I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I Can Be Proud of Myself

All my life, the only person who ever made me genuinely feel like they were proud of me was my Grandma J.  She would tell me everytime she saw me and I could feel that she really meant it.  On one other occasion out of the blue my ex grandfather-in-law told me he was proud of me because he was amazed by my wealth of computer knowledge and my ability to teach it to him.  That was a great moment for me.  Aside from that, the only time anyone has really told me they were proud of me was when I told them this story and they'd say, "well of course WE are proud of you too."  Yeah, that doesn't count.

I spent about the first 28 years of my life worrying about what other people thought about my choices and decisions, only to have them be unsupportive and over-critical. 

When I decided to leave my husband, you'd think I had just murdered someone.  Apparently being unhappy your entire life is more important than the "shame" of being divorced.  Someone once told me that it is better for children to "come from a broken home than to live in one."  I definitely agree with this.  I want to provide a positive role model for my children and I want them to know that they don't have to suffer their whole lives if they are unhappy just because some people put a negative connotation on divorce.  I want my daughter to become strong and independent and realize that her life doesn't need to revolve around men.  She can accomplish anything she wants in life by herself.  I want my son to grow up in a positive environment to break the cycle of anger and treating women as second class citizens.

If this makes me a selfish demon, that is NOT my opinion of the situation.  As you know if you follow my blog regularly, you know that in August I was offered a job to teach at a community college.  I couldn't believe it.  I have wanted to teach since I was a child, but I could never put my finger on what age I wanted to teach until I actually went to community college and it was my best educational experience by far.  The people actually are choosing to be there and although I like kids, it's nice not having to teach these students right from wrong.

I absolutely LOVE my job.  Sure, I'd love to do a million other things as well, but I would never want to not teach.  I achieved this job because I went to school and chose to pay attention in my classes.  I finished my associates in two years, while working and paying for classes out of my own pocket.  When I finished my bachelor my daughter was 1 and my daughter was 3.  I started my masters the fall after that.

I could have been like many other people I knew and chosen to party and drink and then later drop out.  I could have decided that having kids meant I had to wait until they were grown and gone to finish my education.  But I didn't. 

And how are my kids now?  AWESOME!  Sure, being 6 and 4 they have their issues, but no more so than any other kid.  They smile all the time, they laugh, they're happy, they love being around other kids, they are soooo loving and are constant affirmations that I am making good choices with my life.

So, to draw this to a close: two years ago I realized that there was no point in living my life to try to meet up to someone else's standards.  I wanted to be happy, I wanted my children to have a positive life experience and I wanted us to enjoy our life together.  I am proud of myself and I don't need anyone else to be proud of me.  And that's a good feeling.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I Said No! by Zack and Kimberly King (book review)

One of the more difficult parts of parenting is talking to your kids about the "touchy" subjects.  As a parent, it is our job to let them know things about life, but how do you go about talking about them?

This book came at the perfect time for me.  My daughter is now 6 and there have been some questionable things happening when she is at her dad's and I felt like now is the perfect time to talk to her about inappropriate touching.  I can't be around her all the time and therefore I am going to have to hope that she can keep herself safe when I'm not there.

"I Said No! A kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private" gives the perspective from both a mother and her son's point of view.  Zack attended a slumber party where his friend asked him to touch his privates and told him all the cool kids do it.  Zack realized this was a red flag and tried to tell his friend's mom, but she did nothing about it.  Zack hid out in the bathroom and told his mom immediately when he got home the next day.

This book goes over things for children to say, red flags and green flags and people who are allowed to see your privates.  Also, it gives ideas on what to do if someone is inappropriate with you.  This is great because students are not born with the realization of what is okay and not okay when it comes to privates.  I remember when my daughter was around 2 or 3 and she had a yearly exam with her pediatrician.  He asked my permission to check her over and told her that he asked my permission because no one should be allowed to look at or touch her privates without her permission unless it is mommy or daddy.

Okay, so now that I've told you all the great things, I will give you my only beef with this book.  I didn't like the little pauses for discussion.  Of course I planned to discuss the book with my child, but I didn't need the prompts.

MOTR Grade: A-

I definitely think this is a book every parent should have in their collection and it should be read several times as your children get older.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hell Hath No Fury Like This Lady Without Her Meds!!!

So I need to vent.  As you should all know if you follow my blog, I'm bipolar.  Well, I have been without one of my meds for almost two weeks.  Here is why:

When I moved from my last town in August, I had several months worth of pills left.  Well, thinking it would be a quick and painless transition, about 3-4 weeks ago, I tried to set up an appt with a local psychiatrist to get my meds refilled.  Well, apparently their office only accepts appointments with a referral.  Having my old doctor fax my information to my new doctor was considered a referral, but apparently this process is taking a long time and a lot of pointing fingers in the delay, but I can't make an appt. until the information is received by the new doctor.

In the meantime, I've been out of one of my medications.  You are often warned about the side effects of quitting psychotropic drugs cold turkey, so I decided to make an appointment with a general practice doctor in the same building.  So, I got in today.... and that doctor... wow.  I've never wanted to walk out of an office in my life and it took all my willpower not to!  She was super rude, wouldn't make eye contact and didn't understand why I couldn't wait for an appt with the psychiatrist.  She just kept asking if I was suicidal.  I really wanted to tell her that I'm homicidal, but she didn't seem like the type of person who gets sarcasm or jokes of any kind.  Long story short, she lectured me, told me she wasn't comfortable with it and told me I should try to make an appt with the psychiatrist.

Well, let me tell you.  At this moment, I hate everyone and everything.  I've felt this way since like two days after my meds ran out.  I could literally give a 5-10 minute speech on why I hate every person I know (except my kids.)  Do I actually hate them?  I don't think so... maybe one or two... but at this point in time, I want to stab them all from their left eyebrow to the dimples in their knee caps.  I get mad at the TV, I get mad at the wind.  I'm in a constant state of rage and it makes me pity those around me.  Add to this that I can't sleep and when I do I am having vivid dreams of pointless things.  I wake up 80 times a night and give up around 6am when I don't have to be up until 8.

So, no DOCTOR, I am not SUICIDAL, but how about you take your cracker jack box degree back to where you came from (she's new to the clinic) and learn something called empathy... and tact... and being around other human beings.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Toddler from H-E- Double Hockey Sticks

My son...


He has been going through a loooooooooong phase- we are talking like 8 months or so long- where he cries over EVERYTHING.  You tell him no, he cries.  You tell him it's dinner time, he cries.   You ask him to put his shoes on, he cries.  Well, I've gotten to the point where the crying doesn't bother me.  First I tried putting him in time out because we all knew it was crocodile tears.  Then I tried sending him to his room until he was done crying.  I didn't get mad, I would calmly tell him to go into his room and he could come out when he was done crying.  So, of course this resulted in him coming out two seconds later because he had turned off the waterworks just as easily as he turned them on.

Figuring that it is a phase, I have just kind of accepted it and try to ignore it because I know that he is trying to get attention.

Well, instead of letting that phase die out, he has decided to escalate it- to ear piercing screams.  He intertwines these screams with his usual crying, but throws some even louder sobs in.  And of course, it's still over the same little things.  He smacks his sister in the face, he gets caught, he cries (and screams).  He gets caught jumping on the couch... you get the picture.  So, to his room he goes where he has now decided to start kicking the walls and throwing things during his tantrums.  As much as I would like to go in and knock his block off, I just ignore it.  I know he is trying to get attention out of it, but I refuse to give in.  And believe me, it is HARD.  He is a mama's boy, so when he has legitimate reasons to cry, it breaks my heart... but when he throws these crying/screaming tantrums, I just think, "what am I doing wrong?"  Where have I gone wrong in my parenting that he has decided to take this route when he's upset.  My daughter never went through this phase. 

I'm at my wits end... do I invest in earplugs or try to take him back to WalMart... any advice??

Monday, November 14, 2011

No Shirt for You!

I apologize for yet another post about friendship.  This is just something that is really getting under my skin and I have to vent to someone, anyone... which leaves the one or two people who may read this.

I consider myself to be a good friend.  If you are in need, I will give you anything I can to help.  I try to be there whenever someone asks, and unless I can't afford the gas to get there, I drop everything to be there.  I know there are a couple instances I may have borrowed things and not returned them, but I am either still intending to (money) or we stopped being friends and I stopped caring about returning something and ended up passing it along to someone else.

There have been times when I had $20 to my name and spent it buying a friend groceries.  I've helped people move, I've FOUND people places to move!  I've given countless hours of requested advice and kept my mouth shut at times I knew it wasn't my place to say anything.  I've taken a friend's word only to be stabbed in the back, I've trusted people that shouldn't be trusted...

And yet again, I reiterate that I know that I'm not perfect.

But what bothers me is this:  I have a couple friends who have been my friends for years.  I can't get them to answer my texts... I can't get them to respond to me on Facebook unless I post something on their wall.  I don't know why, that's just how it is.  I have people that used to be my friends, but now won't even be my friend on Facebook for something that I can't even remember that I did to upset them.  I know I shouldn't care because they are obviously not real friends, but I do care.  You know those people that you call when you are super upset about something and need a shoulder to cry on?  I don't have one of those.  I wish so badly that I did, but I don't.  I have people that call me and rant or cry for hours and I listen.  *sigh*  I just feel like everyone should have SOMEONE they can turn to for comfort, joy, a laugh, a girls' night out, whatever it may be...

So I don't know if this is a shame on me for whatever I may have done wrong, a shame on me for giving second, third, fiftieth chances and holding out hope that my friends are better than they actually are... or is it actually a shame on them... for being crappy friends?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Great Christmas Debate

So yesterday David and I find ourselves talking about Santa and gift giving.  I don't really like the idea of promoting the idea of Santa because it is not what Christmas is about.  But, I don't want my kids to feel like they aren't normal and not give them gifts, so I have told them that they get gifts because Jesus isn't around to give birthday gifts to, so they get gifts instead.  Yes, it may sound weird, but I just want them to know that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, not some guy in a red suit giving out presents.

But, my goal to not get them into Santa quickly faded when my daughter was 2 and everyone (including my then in-laws) felt the need to talk about Santa all the time to them around the holidays.  What did you ask Santa for?  Have you been good so Santa can bring you presents?  Blah, blah.  So, I just let everyone else do the Santa talking and I just never mention him.  I don't put "from Santa" on their gifts, they are just there.

So the debate is that David was raised that once the tree was up, gifts would start getting put under the tree from mom and dad and they would stay there until Christmas morning when they would be opened.  However, "Santa" would bring one BIG gift on Christmas Eve night and they would be surprised at what it was in the morning when they woke up.  Then they took turns opening everything.

What my family did was on Christmas Eve, mom and dad gave us a gift from them, then when we woke up Christmas morning, we were excited to see all these presents under the tree that were not there before.  The only things under the tree before Christmas day were gifts from relatives or the siblings to each other.  Then, we took turns opening everything.

So, we have the agreement on taking turns opening things.  But, I like the way my family did it better and he likes the way his family did it better.  There is no right or wrong, but if you know me, you know I like getting my way... which I probably will... but I'd like to hear any suggestions on ways to combine both traditions or what your family might have done differently!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Let Me Explain My Butt

For years, I've been overweight... some years... borderline Hindenburg. 

But what I hate most is ... my butt!  (Or my rear end for those of you who find that word offensive.)

I have often compared it to one "person" and one person only: the penguin in Batman Returns.  Remember how Danny Devito looked in that pantyhose material stuffed with filling?  He had this really weird shaped body, but if you specifically remember what it looked like when he was in his lair underground and didn't really wear much in terms of clothing and it seemed like he had flesh colored spandex pants... yeah, that's what my tush looks like!

I don't even know what shape you would call it!  Square?  Whatever it is, I hate it.  Last year I lost 45 pounds (don't get excited for me, I've pretty much gained it back) and guess what- my butt was still a square!!

What is the deal???  I hate it!  I don't think I'd opt for a flat hind end, but seriously... what kind of cruel joke is God playing on me when my butt can only be described as that of the penguin from Batman?


Monday, November 7, 2011

A Case of the Blahs

I don't know what my deal is lately- I don't think that it is because winter is coming and people get that seasonal depression thing because the weather has actually been unseasonably nice here and I do love the holidays, so I have that to look forward to.

But lately, I just feel so blah.  I love my job, but I don't feel like going to work because it seems mundane.  I do go, but I feel like I'm boring my students and sometimes when I talk about whatever subject we're on a little voice pops into my head saying, "geez, I can't even focus on what you're saying it's so boring!"

Then there's my blog.  I have a whole bunch of things I could be blogging about, topics floating around in my head, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't think I'd have the zip and zest in my writing that I feel like I should.

I usually post status updates on Facebook a couple times a day... but lately I've gone days without.... it's blah.  I don't have anything witty or interesting to tell the world.  I'm blah.

Nothing seems exciting, every day is just like the last... I'm not in the least trying to say I have a crappy life- quite the opposite, things are going so well in my favor that I should really take the time to sit back and enjoy it!  But I can't... cause I'm blah.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Oh no she didn't!!!

Okay, so as a mom, this made me wanna strangle a first grader like I have never wanted to strangle one before!

Back story:  So we moved into our new house a couple weeks ago and there are lots of kids in the neighborhood that roam after school and on the weekends and since my kids were new, for about a week straight our house was the place to be for kids to hang out.  Well, there were these siblings, a first grade girl and preschool boy that would ride their bikes in the alley and were around, but it took them awhile to ask to play.  They only played outside and I was not a big fan from the get-go because they were rude to L for no reason and didn't want him to play with them because he was the youngest.  Well, I had the opportunity to meet their dad and he did NOT seem like a winner.  He had meth withdrawal mannerisms and talked S about the people in the neighborhood, but yet he is perfectly fine with his kids roaming it unsupervised.  So, he seemed shady and it started making me not be surprised that his kids were shady.

Well, I know that my daughter has a bit of an attitude at times.  Personally, I wouldn't play with her if I were her age- when she is tired, she gets CRANKY.  That leads to more bossiness and selfishness.  Now, I'm not saying she's a bad apple.  She doesn't realize she can alienate friends with this behavior.

So, like three days ago this first grade girl comes over to play and they are all playing in the backyard.  I don't know what happened to instigate it, but the girl called A a baby and went home.  Sure, name calling is totally rude and uncouth, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that A was probably being mean.

Yesterday A was so anxious for someone to play with after school that she put her coat on and wandered around the porch and then sat inside with her coat on in case someone walked by outside so she could run out and ask them to play.  Yes, it was mildly creepy and sad, but that's what she did.  So, an hour later, the first grade girl and a boy are walking down the sidewalk and A immediately runs outside and asks if they want to play...

Here's where my anger comes in...

The girl SNUBBED A!!!  She just kept walking right by her with a haughty look on her face and blatantly snubbed her!  I could see tears immediately well up in my daughter's eyes and I opened the door and had her come inside.  She was just dumbfounded and said, "she didn't even say hi to me!  She just kept walking!"  I had to explain to her that it was very mean of that girl and that she should not play with her anymore because people who do things like that are not who you want to be your friends.

I just couldn't believe it!  That was a total bitch move that is usually something you see from high school girls or catty women!  All I can say is that was a feeling I don't want A or I to ever have to feel again!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011


So my daughter's teacher informed me that I needed to purchase a milk card for her for snacks and that if I send $5 it buys the card and gets her 20 milks.

 No problem.

A has a binder that goes home with her every night and there are instructions on how to send money for anything.  There is a small manilla envelope labeled "money" and you are to put the money inside a different envelope, write what it's for and then put that inside the manilla envelope and close the flap so that the teacher knew there was money in it.  I did this exactly.  I even looked over the directions several times to make sure I did it correctly.

Yesterday I get a new note saying that Aurora still needs to buy a milk card.  This confused me so I decided to speak with her teacher today after school.  I informed her that I had sent money and she just kept telling me she didn't get it.  There was no apologeticness to her voice and she kind of blew me off like I was either lying or A took the money.  Well, I know I was not lying and A doesn't even understand the concept of money, nor would she have anywhere to spend it unless I took her somewhere, so she would have no reason to take the money.

So, after feeling a bit shamed by the teacher, I decided that I would not let it go so easily.  I know that is only $5, but it is the principle!  I went to the office to let the secretary know what happened.  She seemed apologetic and said she'd talk to the lunch lady to see if a miscellaneous envelope with money was turned in, but her final answer was the same as the teachers- I needed to send in another $5.

Well, I emailed the principal to lodge my complaint.  I understand it's not much money, but it frustrates me that the first time I send money, it disappears.  I specifically followed the teacher's instructions to the letter.

And before you think I am just being hormonal or I forgot to take my medicine today... neither of those is the issue.  I don't even feel angry, I just think this is some grade A bull hockey.  And I want them to know it too.  Oh, I will take the $5 in tomorrow and hand it directly to the lunch lady, but believe you me, I am NOT happy about it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Is This a Girl Thing?

I like to think I'm not like all the other girls... of course that would be a little presumptuous of me.  I don't consider myself to be clingy, I'm not all about romance (although a little romance here and there is okay.)  So today, on one of my mind wandering trips, I was thinking about how men and women meet, date and either decide to be together forever or move on to the next poor sap.  The question always arises after an exchange of phone numbers about how many days the guy (or gal) should wait to call so as not to seem desperate.  Well, with texting and FB chat, that kind of makes a large gray area.

But, onto my point... For some reason, I like to know that I'm a hot commodity.  I've always had pretty good luck at getting the guy I've set my sights on.  But, is it a guy that I actually want?  I like attention, but only when I want it.  But I think it might be overkill of me to think that a guy should think about me at least once a day.  Therefore, I expect a text once a day saying, "hey!  I'm alive, are you?"  That's all... is that too much to ask?  Even if I don't wanna spend time with him or he doesn't want to spend time with me, I'd like to at least know that he remembers I exist.

Then what about those guys who send you 100 texts a day?  Should that make you worried?  Is there something to the idea of a chase?  Do chicks tend to fall harder for a guy who shows them tons of attention over a guy they like more, but doesn't show them enough?  Guys like a chase, right?  Do girls?  I recall liking guys here and there who didn't give me anything to chase, so therefore I wasn't interested.  But then when they stopped doting, I became interested again.  Then there was the one who I thought was interested, but then he would go days without letting me know that he was alive or checking to see if I was and although it was hard for me to throw in the towel, my pride made me. I know the Earth doesn't revolve around me, the tides don't come in because I'm happy, the sun doesn't rise and set by my moods... but don't we all want to feel a little special deep down?

I guess my point to all these ramblings comes back to these questions:  Is it really about the chase or do we decide to go with the one that shows us the most attention?  Is is possible to form a deep love with someone who can go days without speaking to you?  Do we just settle for what we can get because we can never get what we want?

My mind wonders...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Thank You for Being a Friend...

Yes, I'm referencing Golden Girls, but no, this has nothing to do with the show... despite it's timeless humor and awesomeness...

You know, I will be the first, second and third to admit that I'm not the greatest friend in the world... I have much room for improvement.  Granted, I am a giving friend- if I have it, it's yours.  I would give my friends the shirt off my back if they asked for it.  And if I ever have money, I wouldn't hesitate to let a friend in need borrow it.

But I always find myself thinking, "who ARE my friends?"  On Facebook, you can now mark people as friends or acquaintances, although I wish there was an option for "complete strangers," but maybe that's in the works.  But there are people that I consider expendable, and I am sure 98% of my Facebook friends feel that way.  When I moved from my hometown to Cedar Rapids, I considered there to be 3 friends that I would truly miss.  Once I moved, I probably only spoke to one of them on any semblance of a basis.  Now that I am closer, out of those 3, I probably will only ever hang out with on of them.  She and I have NOTHING in common on the surface, but deep down we do have things that make us lifelong friends.  And one of the three hasn't responded to my texts in months and blows me off all the time... whatevs.

Then there's the friends in Cedar Rapids.  I have a friend there that I consider to be one of the truest friends I've ever had and it is amazing because so many people tried to tell me that she used me and wasn't a good friend, but I knew otherwise.  I understood the kind of person she was/is and overlooked any flaws, as we should all try to do.  She was nice to me and if I was in pain or having an emotional crisis, she would have been by my side in a heartbeat.  Since I've moved, she's made it clear that she is not gonna give up on me easily.  It is an amazing feeling.  I other friends who I will definitely keep in touch with and I have friends who still think of me and communicate with me when I was sure they would have forgotten my name once I left town... hearing people tell you that they miss you just because they actually do... makes me feel like I may actually have had a positive impact on their lives.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And finally, there are those that I have long since forgotten that when it is clear I am a wreck or bouncing off the walls with anxiety, I will get a random text, a random Facebook message and their concern, friendliness and just outright acknowledgement of my existence stops me in my tracks.  But to this I start feeling a smidge guilty for not checking in on them.

I guess there was no real point to this blog, but I think that sometimes the people that we think are our friends really aren't as good of friends as the people we have shrugged off as acquaintances.  I definitely wish I were a better friend and hopefully some day I can be, but in the meantime, I think I should try a little harder to appreciate those that I have...

Monday, September 26, 2011

Excerpt from One of My Textbooks

This was one of the example paragraphs in the textbook for the reading class I teach... I thought I'd share:

"Everyone has heard a few 'Your mama is ugly' jokes.  'Your mama is so ugly that when she entered an ugly contest, the judge said, 'Sorry, no professionals.'  'Your mama is so ugly that when she went to a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck.' 'In the dictionary, your mother's picture is next to the word 'ugly.'  There are several reasons why 'your mama' jokes are popular.  First of all, humor usually contains something surprising or even shocking.  We aren't expected to make fun of someone's mom, so a 'your mama' joke has the element of surprise.  Secondly, humor is a way we deal with taboos, or things that are forbidden.  Insulting anybody is bad enough, but insulting somebody's mother is really out of line.  Finally, 'your mama' jokes are generally told between close friends as a way to express friendship and affection.  Mothers aren't really being insulted.  Instead of getting angry, the friend on the receiving end of the joke usually laughs."

What... a hoot.

In case you were wondering the purpose, this was a practice paragraph where students are supposed to be able to figure out which sentence expresses the main idea.  I will give you a clue.  Look for words that indicate a list is soon to follow.  What's that?  Several reasons IS an indicator.  If you said sentence five, then you are correct, My Friend!

Enjoy this wrinkle in your brain.

Book:  Ten Steps to Building College Reading Skills by John Langan, Fourth Edition.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What a Difference a Day Makes!!

Despite the whole bipolar thing, I see myself as a glass full kind of gal.  I totally abhor suicide because people have to realize that life CAN get better, you just have to work at it.  Of course, I know that not every bad thing in life is specifically that person's fault... believe me, I KNOW.  I always say that the bad things that have happened to me in life are because of other people.  That probably sounds like I don't take the blame for anything, believe me I do!  If I don't have money for gas and I don't work, duh, it's my fault I don't have money for gas!  But if I don't have money for gas because Jen Schirm of Iowa City didn't pay me the $150 she owed me for babysitting... well, then I blame Jen Schirm.  (Of course I can be partially to blame for trusting someone who couldn't be trusted.)

So, rewind to yesterday.  Not to get into details, but when we moved into our apartment, the lady that manages the property we moved into said that she wouldn't cash our deposit until close to Sept. 9th because that's when we'd be caught up from moving.  She even talked us into moving sooner than we had planned because she kept insisting the check wouldn't get cashed until the 9th.  Well, guess what.  Yesterday was soooo not the 9th and the check got deducted from my bank account, which immediately ruined my day.  Once again, I suppose I can take blame for trusting someone... am I beginning to see a pattern here?  Wow, I just had an epiphany... bad things happen to me when I trust people.  Aha!  Now I know why I say you can never trust anyone.

Fast forward back to today.  A deposit came in sooner than I had anticipated, which covered the check that was cashed yesterday!  That immediately put me in a much better mood.  And I sat there and realized, you know, I have two awesome kids who are with me 98% of the time, I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me endlessly, I have friends that occasionally talk to me, I just got a part in a play, which is one of my favorite things to do AND, I love my job!!!  So dang it, I tell myself, I need to start looking more at the positives than the negatives.  Sure, David tells me that all you need is love... well, I don't know that living in a cardboard box with my kids eating rats is really going to make me happy, but I appreciate his sentiment.

So for today, it's a good day and I'm loving life!!!

Thursday, September 1, 2011


So to catch you up to speed, I was offered a teaching job at a community college near my hometown.  David and I had already planned to move to this town and were planning on a January move.  I had forgotten I had even applied at the college.  Well, classes were to start on August 17.  I was called and offered the job August 10.  It wasn't even one of the jobs I applied for!  Apparently, there were so many students enrolled in the developmental English class that they needed to add two more sections.  The dean who hired me sifted through the applications and resumes until he found one that would suit his purpose and it was me, yay! 

I am now an adjunct teacher, which means that I am only contracted one semester at a time and I don't teach a full load.  I teach two classes a day.  Each class lasts an hour.  So if you did the math, yep, I work two hours a day.  But, being as ambitious and dedicated as I am, I actually stay on campus about 4.5 hours a day.  I use the time in between classes to work with students, grade papers and work on my lesson plans.  I absolutely love my job!  I would probably do it for free if they asked me to... I hope they don't, though.

So, David, the kids and I moved from Cedar Rapids to this new town.  I'm going to refrain from saying it because I was less likely to get stalked and murdered in Cedar Rapids than I am in this town as it is much much smaller.  So far, we love where we live, but are a bit disappointed in that most of this people in this town seem like a$$holes.  Well, I haven't experienced it as much as David has.  People from here just tend to be a little on the snooty and holier than thou side.  But, I have met so many nice people that it doesn't dissuade me from liking the town overall.  We are located in a great area and it is only about 5 minutes from my work, A's school and L's babysitter.

Yep, I had to start L at a babysitter.  He so far loves it, which takes a huge burden off my mind.  I also plan to start substitute teaching on Fridays once everyone gets settled and into a routine.  I love subbing as well.

Okay, well that's my update.  I'm going to be chomping at the bit for September to get over because the cost of the move set us back quite a bit and now we have a lot of catching up to do.  That and the fact that Jen Schirm of Iowa City never paid me the babysitting money that she owed me AND she has some of my DVDs.  I still need to figure out how to file a lawsuit.

I will update you as needed!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

One Week Post Mirena Update

***Warning: the following contains TMI... you've been warned!!***

All I can say is... thank you, Jesus and RN at Planned Parenthood for getting this demon spawn tool of Satan out of me!!!

I had my Mirena removed August 23rd.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but hoped for immediate relief as some people had indicated was possible.  Well, the relief was not immediate, but having it removed took two seconds and was completely painless!  I felt a wee bit dizzy at first, but that went away quickly.

Within a day I started being relieved of the bloating.  I peed like 82 times an hour, but hey, it's worth it to feel better, right?  Then, I started feeling happy again... it was as if a fog lifted!  I had more energy, I was in a better mood, I wanted to end world hunger and make world peace...

And I still feel great!  I'm hoping to get greater by the day, and I will continue to update as I notice more progress.  I've also lost 2 lbs so far and don't feel like eating 24/7! 

***Second warning about TMI***

I'm doing my own research and contemplations in my head.  I was previously a heavy bleeder during AF time.  Well, as most of you know, when you are on the Mirena, your AF ceases to be or is super minimal.  I have often thought that was unhealthy, but hey, I don't have a medical degree!  Well, it just seems to me that if your bleeding was heavy and you now don't bleed anymore, no wonder you bloat!  And you know those PMS symptoms that you used to get?  Where do they go?  I will tell you where they go- nowhere!  They sit there... 24/7/365!!  Of course you are always hungry, cause your body is in PMS mode... same with breaking out, bloating, irritability... bang!  So, in a nutshell, I'm saying... embrace the periods!  I could go into detail about the bleeding I've experienced since getting my Mirena out a week ago... but I won't... cause I haven't found one person that wasn't grossed out by it, lol.

Monday, August 15, 2011

You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Okay, so this is nothing new.  Everyone knows about this, but today I am choosing to bring it up because it is on my mind...

You know when you first start developing feelings for someone?  You're giddy, your pulse raises when you first see them, their kiss gives you butterflies, you think about them all the time when they are not around... well, why can't that last forever?  Why can't we be lovey dovey for life?  If you're sappy like me, then you see old people walking and holding hands and think, "I'd love for that to be me some day."  I think that is why so many people get divorced these days.  Well, this and the fact that people don't like putting up with anyone else's $hit.  I'd like to believe that every couple has these aforementioned feelings at some point in their relationship, if not, that is really sad.  But, why do these feelings go away?  Why can't we still get butterflies and racing pulses and googly eyes?  Is it because once people get comfortable with each other, they no longer feel the need to try? 

You know what gets me the most about that old couple holding hands?  They have been holding hands their whole lives!  I don't think a couple gets to be 80 and all of the sudden decides to start holding hands.  No, they have always realized what the other one means to them and they hold on to them because they never want to let them go.  Well, dammit, I wanna be holding hands with someone!  I wanna be snuggling with someone instead of arguing with them over who cleans more, why we shouldn't keep the cats, who wastes more money, why one of us used to be an alcoholic... and so on and so forth.  I want to sit on the same side of the couch instead of polar opposite and co-existing through life.  I want to spoon in bed instead of facing the opposite direction and lying on the edge of the bed.

What does it mean when people lose that loving feeling?  Does that mean they are no longer in love?  Is it a feeling that you can get back?  I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it!  I know some of the arguments are my fault too.  And I know that sometimes the lack of affection can be from me being mad and withholding it.  But, I refuse to believe that a relationship has to be boring and vanilla.  I refuse to spend another decade of my life drifting through with a roommate.  I don't know what to do to get it back or if I should just jump ship now and enjoy being free.  Why can't things just be easy??

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Crazy Things Parents Text by Stephen and Wayne Miltz book review

OMGosh, guys, this book can be summed up in two words... "hi" and "larious!"  Apparently their is a wesbite created by Stephen and Wayne Miltz that is CrazyThingsParentsText.com.

The book is pretty much self explanatory.  It's a collection of texts between a child and their parent.  It is organized into categories with texts that have similar themes.  Well, within 2 pages, I was LOL'ing.  Literally.  I laughed out loud and my daughter asked me what was funny and I explained it to her.  Since she was 5, she didn't get it, but man, it was funny.  Now I find myself using every free 5 minutes I have to keep forging ahead because it is so funny.  Of course, being a child of parents who don't know how to text (and Dad refuses because it costs X amount of pennies each text) I don't know how a conversation via text would go with my parents.  I did MMS a picture of an open wound to my dad when I was getting stitches in the ER.  I got a phone call from my mom 2 hours later asking what it was.

Also, some of the content between parent and child in this book is quite... blunt and things that I would be super afeared to talk to my parents about.

But, long story short... if you have a sense of humor at any age, you will get a huge kick out of this book!!!

MOTR Grade:  A+

This title will be available for purchase September 1, 2011.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cars Need Gas and Being Wrong Sucks

So let me preface this by saying since getting my driver's license at the age of 16, I have never run out of gas- EVER.  So, when David is constantly mentioning how we need to get gas, how are we gonna have enough gas to get here, how will we have enough gas to get there, we need gas for the week, blah blah blah gas blah gas blah gas gas gas blah blah blah.  Finally yesterday I flipped out and told him I never wanted to hear the word gas come out of his mouth again.  It's like that's all he ever talks about.  I don't know if he was doused in gasoline and set on fire as a child, but seriously, this dude is obsessed with gas.  (And yes, he thinks flatulence is funny too, ugh!!)

Well, fast forward 24 hours.  I knew the car had been telling me low fuel and I had to take the laundry to the laundromat.  I figured I'd get gas when I went back to put it in the dryer because I live a block away from 2 gas stations and the laundromat.  So, I put the laundry in and head back.  Then I go put it in the dryer and figure I will get gas when I go pick the clothes up.  Well, as chance would have it, David decides to go back with me to get the laundry (I think it's because I told him the chick working there was really pretty).  We go through the bank drive thru on the other end of the parking lot to deposit some cash and I start pulling out of the parking lot and he said something about gas and I said, oops, let's get it after we pick up the clothes.  So we park the car, get the clothes, get back in the car aaaaaaaaand... it won't start.  It blinks low fuel.  He looks at me and I want to die.  I knew, from that second forward that I will NEVER hear the end of it.  I'm wondering if we should just break up now because I don't know if I can live like this.

Luckily, it was only like half a block to the gas station.  It was a breezy and beautiful 75 degrees out.  We walked over, bought a one gallon thingamabobber (cause apparently this gas station doesn't believe in good will towards man.)  Bought the gallon, put it in the car, then went and filled the gas tank.

All I can say is... man, does it totally suck to be wrong... but I guess having it happen once in my life is okay.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Memories... Light the Corners of My Mind: Roasted Carpet Edition

I was babysitting this girl the other day and she asked me if I knew that carpet was made out of plastic.  I'm not sure if I know or don't know this, but it kind of made sense when I thought about this thing that once happened...

I was sitting on my bed in my room looking at this shoebox full of letters that I had kept from an old boyfriend and an old flame.  Well, I was thinking about how big of jerks they were and how I hated all men and though they needed to burn in heck, so I decided I needed to think of a ritualistic way to dispose of these notes.  Of course, clearly I was not thinking too rationally, because I thought the best idea was to set them on fire... in a shoebox... in the middle of my bed...

I think you see where this is going.  So aflame they went!  And as the fire blazed, I threw the box onto the floor.  Smoke filled the room, my dad banged on the door and wiggled the handle, put the fire out and voila!- melted carpet and a hole in the middle of the floor.  Well, Dad was irate, and I was clearly a moron, for not thinking that it was a bad idea... oh, hindsight, how you elude us all!!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Apparently Sunday Was Evil B@#%* Day!!

Man, what a horrible God's day it was yesterday! 

Here's the skinny...

So I had this "friend" that I had started babysitting for overnights on the weekend.  She started as a stranger and then we became friends.  Well, I needed extra money, so I offered to babysit M-F for her.  Since she didn't want to get up early and bring them to me (she lived about 20 min away) it was decided that they would stay the nights M-Th... which somehow turned into Sun-Th and sometimes Friday.  Well, she would come up Wednesday nights, conveniently after her kids were asleep.  She got off work at 5 and would somehow come up with excuses not to show up for a couple hours.  She was only paying me $150 a week, which turned into me only getting paid every other week, but her often saying she wasn't sure if she would end up having it.

So, apparently today she somehow decided it wasn't important to ask me what time it was okay to bring the kids up.  She texts me to inform me that she is on her way and has groceries.  I had spent the last 2 hours trying to come up with a way for my kids' dad to see them.  I tell her that we are on the road and she throws a fit.  She wanted to bring the kids ASAP.  I mentioned that it would be nice for David and I to get 5 minutes of alone time since we hadn't had any alone time for like 2 months!  Apparently this was totally wrong of me to say because she kinda flipped.  And when I asked how late she was planning to stay she said she needed to go home early and get to sleep.  Seriously??

So, me being super passive with my "friends" I don't say anything, but David decides to text her and let her have it.  She then sends me an angry text saying she is gonna have to figure something else out and I ask her if she means tonight or forever... this was her response:

"Forever.  That's bull.  I don't appreciate it... I pay you 300 dollars every two weeks and bring food up everytime I come up and everything.  I'm sorry that I had something I need to do so that I have money.  I didn't get the check I was supposed to get in the mail, so I have no money right now.  I wasn't planning on doing ANYTHING tonight when I went home but eat and go to bed because I was planning on getting up early for work.  I wasn't told anything about you wanting me to stay later for karaoke or anything, if it's not going to work, I guess I'll figure something else out.  Idk what... But something."

A) The only "groceries" she brings is when she occasionally brings milk, which is mostly consumed by her 18 month old.  But that is like pulling teeth because she says she knows her daughter isn't the only one to drink it.

B) I HAD mentioned going to karaoke to her several times today and yesterday.

Needless to say I don't expect to get paid Friday for last week.  Needless to say I won't have enough to pay rent.  UGH!


As some of you may know from following my FB, Tweets or blogs, I've been feeling really icky lately and have not wanted to be out in public in over a month.  So I finally muster up the courage to go to the bar down the street because a pal does karaoke and it was his birthday.  Barely get a foot in the door before the bartender loudly proclaims that David isn't technically supposed to be in the bar because he haggled about his tab over a month ago.  WTFrench??   It made me feel trashy and I was mortified.  I know this was total pansy of me, but I hugged the friend and his girlfriend and quickly exited out the side door before I started bawling.  I don't recall ever being embarrassed like that in public, but maybe I am burying it in the darkest corners of my mind.

I don't know.  I'm so sick of people who don't know how to treat other human beings... Have we all forgotten the golden rule?  ARGH!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011


If you are a guy, you may want to not read this... or if you grew up referring to things as "monthly visitors" and blush at the though of contraceptives, this is not for you either.

So, when the Mirena came on the market, the idea of a birth control that lasted 5 years sounded like a miracle!  No more pills, patches, shots, etc. that you have to remember because one memory lapse could equal a bundle of joy in the making!  But, the idea that for 5 years you don't have to remember anything sounds fantastic!

Or does it?

I'm not saying that these can't be related to other things.  I'm not a doctor.  I haven't run tests on myself, but I feel like since it's my body, I just KNOW.  I was very wary of getting on Mirena because I had several friends and acquaintances tell me they didn't like it and had it removed or were thinking of having it removed.  But, after talking to the nurses, and being assured that it had very little side effects, I decided to take the plunge.  I also shared my concerns with them about how I hate adding extra hormones to my body because I have enough emotional problems as it is with being bipolar.

But ever since I had it put in, I've had these nagging suspicions and it just hasn't felt right.  I'm not saying it's unnatural... more like having a little piece of Satan embedded into your uterus... just saying.  Since getting on the Mirena, I have gained 15 lbs, felt bloated ALL THE TIME, been more depressed, crabby, etc.  I asked a couple months into having it about the weight gain and was told, oh, it doesn't cause weight gain.  I don't know if these people are just uninformed or have been brainwashed into telling all these women that the Mirena is completely harmless.

Well, I have never felt bloated in my life except when I was pregnant or occasionally during PMS.  I constantly feel like I'm 8 months pregnant!  I'm fatigued 95% of the time, I have no energy, I don't want to be seen in public, I'm already so bloated that the idea of drinking alcohol makes me fear I will explode, I get headaches, I get nauseous, I'm moody... ugh!  Like I said, I don't know if this is all from the Mirena, but from the intense googling I've been doing lately, these are all side effects.  Another big one I've read about is hair loss.  I don't know if this is true for me or not.  I've always had really thick hair and always shed like crazy, so yes, I still shed like crazy, but I don't know if it's anymore than usual.

I made an appt. to have the Mirena removed, but they can't get me in until the 17th.  I can't wait!  I will keep you posted on if it makes a difference or not.  I have read that some people notice an instant change.  I've read that some people go through withdrawal symptoms... but I'm anxious to experience it myself.

I just hope that more people will think about looking at the bad side to Mirena from other sources than what the company prints out or from the people who are getting some kind of kick back from endorsing the product.  I'm going to go back to ortho tri-cyclen.  Heck, I'd rather give birth to 10 children than enduring what I've been going through since I had my Mirena put in in December.  UGH!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

There Aren't Enough Things in this House for Me to Break!!!

Egads, sometimes things suck!  Sometimes they suck reaaaaaaaal bad.  (Badly?)  There are two things about myself that I take pride in: my kindness to animals and my kindness to children.  That's about it.  For the most part, aside from that, I don't know why I exist sometimes.  So, if someone were to come at me with opposition to either of those things, I wouldn't know what to do!

Well, today I found out what I'd do... I'd lie on the bathroom floor for an hour, bawl my eyes out and puke because of the migraine it gave me!  Let me preface this situation with a bit of back story.  As you know from following my blog, I have been babysitting for several months now just for a bit o' extra cash while I can't sub.  Anyway, it has been such a rewarding experience!  I have met some great kids and met some great parents as well!  Sure, I've had a couple bad apples here and there, but for the most part it has been a very positive thing in mine and my children's lives.  And one of the plus sides is that I've made two really good friends (maybe I'm making the assumption that they are friends, though, who knows) and it really boosts my deflated ego when parents tell me there kids ask to come back or when a parent comes to pick up their child and they don't want to go.  So, it has all been pretty great... until today.

This is what shocked me the most: the parent involved is someone I've known since high school.  We were kinda friends back then and then rekindled our friendship when I moved in January.  I've been to her house, met her kids, I thought things were hunky dory with us.  She and I couldn't be more different personality-wise, but that's the great thing about friends- diversity is somewhat what brings people together.

Well, because her mom was going to be out of state for a week, she asked if I could babysit.  I said yes and told her she didn't have to pay me or she could pay me whatever she wanted.  I didn't really care because her daughter and my daughter could play and it didn't matter to me to have one more kid around.  Well, fast forward to today and she totally threw me for a loop today after picking her daughter up.  I'm all about kids being happy when they are here because childhoods are meant to enjoy- as adults, it is harder to find things to smile about.  Apparently I am wrong and I suck at life.  Not her words, but I'm interpreting it as such.  I felt like she was telling me that I was a horrible person and the things she said made it clear that the way I parent my own children was not her idea of good.  I know she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, that's just the way she talks.  She is very straightforward and doesn't sugar coat anything.  Well, I'm very much a wuss and never tell people how I really feel.  Fast forward 20 texts later and I'm lying on the floor in the bathroom with the lights out bawling my eyes out.

I'm not gonna knock on her or put her down cause that's not good for anyone.  Although I disagree with a great many things she said to me, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  I'm not going to argue.  I'll just chalk it up to another lesson learned and the loss of a friend.

I suck at life.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

There Are Still Good People in the World!!!

You may often think to yourself when watching the news or looking on the internets that there is nothing good about humanity anymore.  It's a dog eat dog world and everyone is gnawing each other to the bone.  Knock on your neighbor's door to borrow a cup of sugar and they will hold you at gunpoint until the cops come because you are clearly trying to rob them.  We no longer open doors to religious groups because they are all zealots, when really, they believe what they are doing is for the good of man.  I will open the door and give a smile, take their pamplets and let them know I'm a satanist... haha, jk! 

So, although I try to find the good in everyone, it has seemed to become rarer and rarer.  Your best friend may look you in the eye while trying to stab you in the back.  The man you wake up to in the morning may be the man warming someone else's bed at noon.  Where am I going with this you ask- well, quit rushing me, I'm getting there!

The other day I posted an ad on craigslist.  I don't like my kids' mattresses being on the floor.  Sure, it's not a big deal, but I think it's tacky.  I'm poor, I'm the first to admit it.  I posted an ad looking for twin bed frames and said I could only pay like $20 apiece.  Well, the second person to respond told me she had two frames she would just GIVE me.  We emailed back and forth a bit and she asked how old my kids were.  When I got there to pick up the frames (although she offered to deliver them) she had bags of movies, a keyboard, games, etc. to give my kids as well!  She asked if she could save my number for when she unearthed more things.  I said definitely.  Well, she had only been able to dig out one of the bed frames and said she would call me when she unburied the other one.  I decided to give the first one to A as she is older.  After putting it together, she was so excited it was like Christmas.  Well, then L asked where his was and I told him we would have to wait a bit.  Of course this made him cry...

Well, not 5 minutes later I received a call from the lady saying that she felt so bad that my son wasn't getting his that she had dug it out, loaded it up and was on her way to bring it to me!!  I was so happy.  I couldn't believe that someone was so nice.  I mean, I know that I would do something like that for a total stranger, but I can't even get most of my friends to do anything nice for me.

All I can say is that I hope karma does something really nice for this lady in the near future, because she definitely deserves it!!!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Saturday Rant: Old Lady Busybody Edition

You know what kind of people I can't stand?  No, not those... no, not those either... okay, okay, so there's a lot on my list.  But today I am especially referring to Old Lady Busybodies!

Case in point:  yesterday, David and I took a group of 7 kids to the pool at our apartment complex.  First, you need to know that WHEN I WAS SIGNING THE LEASE, I asked a million question.  One of those questions was, "how many people are we allowed to bring to the pool?"  I asked this in case my kids wanted to bring friends.  I was specifically told that you were allowed one guest PER PERSON LIVING IN THE APARTMENT.  Now, if that was not the rule, so be it, but I know what I was told because I specifically asked the question for a reason.  I was also told that if the pool was empty that the rule can be fudged a bit.  These words I remember.  Now, I didn't say I THOUGHT I remembered them.  No, that's what happened.

So, yesterday as aforementioned, I ventured to the pool with 7 kids in tow.  So, if there was myself, David and my two children, all of us whom live in the apartment, that would reason that there could be 8 of us.  Well, one was a baby who I would have had to hold the whole time, but I figured I'd see how full the pool was.

So, before entering the building, I told all the children they had to be silent until we got into the pool because people were busy and didn't want it to be noisy.  All kids complied with what I said!  To get to the pool you have to walk through the fitness center.  So, through we marched, quietly and happily.  The only person in the fitness center was an old lady with bright red hair (like she was fooling anyone.)  I smiled at her, David smiled at her and she glared at us in return.  We get into the pool room and I remind the kids they can talk but no screaming.  They were all excited and started getting into the pool as did I.  David looks out the window at the office and he sees the old lady go in and start talking.  He tells me that she is probably complaining.  Sure enough, one of the office ladies comes in and tells us that we have too many people.  Mind you, we are the ONLY ones in the pool.  I tell her that I was told that it was one guest per resident.  She rebutted that it was 2 guests per APARTMENT.  I wasn't about to argue, but that is NOT what I was told.  And I reminded her that we were the only ones even using the pool and her response was that if other people walked by and saw how many kids were in the pool they would be turned off and not want to come in.  That's their problem!  If they don't wanna be around 7 kids, they won't want to be around 4 kids.  Because people like that are douchebags.  If the kids are bad I have no problem making them get out and sit.  I don't tolerate obnoxious children.  Any of you that know me, know this.  So, because I hate confrontation, I agreed to send 3 away.  But, I was PI$$ED.  And guess what!  The old busybody never got in the pool.  So it didn't matter anyway!!!  And by the time we left there were 5 other people in the pool and not one of them cared that we were there.  EW!  What kind of people purposely try to screw other people out of joy in life?  I told David I was going to look at the sign in sheet to see the old lady's apartment number and leave a flaming bag of dog poo at her front door.  He said it would be more funny if it were a flaming diaper, but he stopped me nonetheless.  (Spoilsport!)

Long story short.  I hope karma gets this lady hit by a school bus.  Jerk!

Oh, and the apartment complex is The Pointe and is owned by Cunat.  Yeah, that's right.  That's what they get for LYING TO MY FACE.  Good luck getting us to stay another second after our lease is up.  Nazis!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My Name is Hammy, and I'm a Hypocrite

You know how things bother you?  You can't say that nothing bothers you.  We're all human and whether we smile and act like nothing is wrong, put our faith in God that things will get better, or brush it under the rug, there will always be that instant when your brain tells you, "Hey!  I don't like this feeling."

Well, I've had to become more self aware of myself in the past year than I'd care to.  I'm tired of myself!  But, in order to become the people we want to be, we must take a hard look at our flaws and realize that although we don't want to change, sometimes we need to.

So this leads me into my realization that I am totally a hypocrite!  I used to pride myself in not being a jealous person.  But then I realized that it wasn't so much I wasn't jealous, it was just that when I was younger, I didn't invest much in the guys I was dating, then in my longest relationship, it was more that I had no reason to be jealous.  But then when I did, I chalked it up to mental issues.  I poo poo'd the idea that I was a jealous person.  Well, fast forward to today and I will be honest that I am a jealous person!  Sure, there were the guys that I didn't care about enough to get jealous, but then when there is one, I realize that the thought of him being interested or alone with another chick makes me wanna rip his AND her heads off, wrap them in trashbags full of gasoline, hang them from a flag pole and shoot flaming arrows at them.

But what makes me a hypocrite is that I don't see why it's not okay for me to talk to guys, why it's not okay for me to hang out alone with guys.  It's okay for me to text my exes, but if a guy I'm with even brings up a girl's name that he even kissed while drunk, I'm ready to claw some faces!  And I'll be honest, I'm normally big on keeping my feelings buried down deep because I don't like feeling vulnerable.  But then the bipolar side of me occasionally kicks in and I flip out like a vegetarian at the slaughter house.

I don't know why I can't convince myself not to feel this way.  I know I'm not the hottest looking lady out there, but it's not that I feel threatened.  I guess it's more the idea that a guy I'm interested in would even give a second thought to another girl.  And no, I'm not THAT full of myself!  I know my poo stinks as much as everyone else's does.  I just can't force myself to stop.  All I know is that it hurts.  I get physical pains in my chests at the thought of someone who cared/cares about me caring about someone else, whether I want to be with them or not...

Anyway, I've said too much.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Mystery Solved!

So, for the last two weeks, we've had a mystery on our hands.  I'm a bit of a neat freak about my living room because that is the place that everyone sees when they first come in.  We keep our shoes on a rug by the door and I'm constantly organizing them when they get messed up- my daughter is pretty good at organizing them as well!  Well, there have been several times lately where my kids have gone to put one of their shoes on and the other shoe is missing.  I will remember having seen it in the upstairs hallway and we always assume one of the kids took it upstairs for some random reason.

So, this happened for several days.  I will bring the shoes back and the exact same shoes will end up upstairs.  Well, one day they were lying near the cat food dish and I could have sworn they weren't there before bedtime.  We started wondering if one of the new cats was the culprit.  We were so sure, we just decided that was what was happening.

Well, last night while watching America's Got Talent, David tapped my arm.  I didn't look very quickly because I wasn't sure what he wanted, so I missed it.  Apparently, the cat had my daughters sneaker in his mouth and was starting to walk with it, but for some reason decided not to.  Mystery solved!  And a reminder that cats are strange creatures sometime...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sweet Valley Confidential by Francine Pascal

Are you familiar with the Sweet Valley series of the past?  I am!  I was IN LOVE with these books!  When I was in elementary school I read all of the Sweet Valley Twin books.  I would anxiously await the new arrivals and run out and buy them.  As I got into middle school, I start reading the Sweet Valley High series.  I was ecstatic about these and would go to used book stores and try to get the entire series.  At one point I think I had all of both series, but get this- I boxed them up and put them in my parents' basement and haven't seen them since.  The optimistic part of me wants to say that they are still buried somewhere down there.  The pessimistic side of me fears that my sister stole them and sold them.  I can't think of another logical explanation because I can't imagine my parents just throwing them away without asking me!  Then there was the short lived series The Unicorn Club, which I wasn't a big fan of.

Anyway, fast forward to today.  Francine Pascal has realized that some of her fans are probably wondering what would have happened to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield after becoming adults and moving out of Sweet Valley. 

I was THRILLED when I got offered this book to review.  It was like they had somehow received full documentation of my interests from the past and realized I'd love to review this... but that's probably not what happened.  When I received it I was giddy and stoked to get started.

Okay, now onto what I thought.  The book established that Elizabeth had pursued journalism and moved to New York to make her way into the writing world.  This was after a huge fallout with Jessica when something completely unforgivable happened.  I won't tell you what because it's a shocker.  Jessica is still in Sweet Valley living with her boyfriend (or was he her fiancee, I can't remember.)  She is beyond desolate that Elizabeth refuses to speak to her.  In fact, most of her old friends are so shocked by what happened that they feel awkward being around her.  Life is extremely rough for Jessica, but it's not that easy for Elizabeth either.  The book details the struggles they have dealing with their own problems while trying to repair a bond that no one thought could be broken.

I wish I could say I loved the book.  I really tried.  I just had a couple things that really bugged me.  The first was all the flash backs and references to things in the past.  It happened quite a bit and I found it extremely annoying.  I ended up just skipping all those parts.  The other thing that bothered me, which I'm sure wouldn't bother a lot of other people is that I was so used to the writing in Sweet Valley High being mostly PG and PG-13 on the rare occasion.  So, this book was a bit more graphic and talked more about sex and it made me sad because it showed a change in writing style that I wasn't quite able to readily adopt.  I guarantee that isn't going to be the way most of the other readers feel.  I just had a loyalty to the previous writing.

Otherwise, it was good catching up with the girls and I would definitely say that people who were die hard fans like I was would be really interested.

MOTR Grade:  B

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day to the Non-Biological Fathers!

You know, they say that blood is thicker than water.  But, I'd like to add that love is sometimes thicker than blood.  In these days of "broken" families, step parents, foster parents, absent parents, etc., the meaning of "father" has changed.  I believe that the meaning should include any man who loves a child like their own, respects them, cares for them and does right by them.  I think the words "deadbeat dad" are getting all too common in society today.  Why are those dads to be honored because they made babies, but the men who are raising their children are not technically fathers?

Today I am reminded of several types of fathers.  I have a friend that is a father, but not allowed to see his children for father's day because his ex is mad at him.  Yet he's a father, why does he not deserve to be honored.  My boyfriend David has no biological children, yet for the past 5 months, he has provided for my children in ways their own father has not.  He loves my children as if they were his own and I believe that the more love a child gets, the better they can be as adults.  David sacrificed living on an income only having to support one to trying to support FOUR.  He is constantly wanting to do better.  He nurtures them and cares for them and in return they love and adore him.  Is he their father?  Not biologically.  Is he a father? YES.

So on this day I think we should honor FATHERS.  Men who do right by their children and men who do right by the children in their lives.  It is easy to become a father, but it is much harder to BE a father- and those that are willing to try are to be commended!

And I'd also like to honor my own father.  He was the kind of dad that changed diapers, bathed us, tucked us in at night, prepared dinner every night AFTER working all day.  When I had my tonsils out, my dad was there.  When I broke my first bone, my dad was there.  When I got my first stitches my dad was there.  When I was giving birth to my first child, both my parents were there, but it was my dad who paced with worry hearing me screaming down the hall.  He has been a phenomenal grandparent to my children and it is clear that he adores them.  Although we have views that are about as opposite as they may come, I think my dad raised me to take pride in what I do, work hard and become someone that others can admire.  He has also shown me that you can accomplish any goal at any age.  And then there's all the money he's loaned me that I have and haven't paid back.  Thank you, dad!  I love you.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm Such a Fool!

I'm so mad at myself!

I have been having so many problems with my ex and he has been doing nothing but try to make my life hell.  I have been trying to take the high road through this whole thing and it gets me nowhere but lying in the fetal position bawling my eyes out!!!

When I moved to the town I live in now I had been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 months.  I dealt with phone calls from my ex when I first moved where I got screamed at and cussed out for hours at a time.  I received texts telling me to "get my boyfriend's dick outta my mouth and answer the g**damn phone."  I put up with so much and after several months of dating when I decided it was okay for my boyfriend to meet my kids, my ex FLIPPED!  He was irate and made things even more hellacious for me.

Well, through all the times I've tried to be the better person and despite him treating me so badly and trying to screw me over at every turn while giving me NOTHING for child support, I still let him convince me that we were going to get along and be good for the kids.

So, get this:  he hasn't seen  the kids for 6 weeks because he "didn't have gas money."  And he finally gets them back yesterday because I felt bad that it was father's day weekend.  He told me he'd keep the kids on their normal schedule which involves them going to bed at 8pm.  I asked him to have them call me every night at bedtime so I could talk to them.  Last night it was 8:45p and he said he'd get them on the schedule today.  So, tonight they called me at 9:15p.  They were outside catching fireflies at his girlfriend's house where they were spending the night.  He hasn't seen his kids for 6 weeks and has been seeing her for like a month and decided the second night he had them back they should spend the night at her house.  UGH! 

I'm so tired of letting my guard down and trusting him only to have him F me over!  And I've asked him to get my permission to take them out of state.  She lives in another state and he didn't ask me or give me a heads up.

I know this makes me sound bitter, but when you've been treated the way I have only to have him be hypocritical, it is rough.

Like someone told me today, though, "the cream rises to the top."

I'm gonna try to breathe through it... one day at a time.

Literary Thursday: "Happy the Man" by John Dryden

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call today his own:
He who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.
Be fair or foul or rain or shine
The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself upon the past has power,
But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday Blues

Oh, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.  I expected better from you because you weren't Monday.  But, you have let me down.  I am so blue right now.

What am I blue about?  Well, I'm glad you ask.  I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part.  I am blue that I am alone.  I am lonely.  I am blue and lonely and alone.  I have no friends.  All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I just want a big hug.  But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old.  I don't want to use my kids as snot rags.  They need not know my blue-e-ness.

I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago.  I'm broke.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  I feel no love emanating from myself or from others.  I miss feelings.  I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything.  I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist.  I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness. 

I miss being happy.  I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today!  How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!"   I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person.  I think it was when I was 16.  I was the biggest optimist!  The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it.  People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied.  I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.

Now what am I?  I am useless.  Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so.  I'm a good mom, but not a great mom.  I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon.  But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money.  I babysit, but that's no income.  I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable.  Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel.  I just laid there.  I didn't want to get dressed.  Why?  Cause I don't have any comfortable bras.  I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it.  So I felt depressed.  I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one.  If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.

I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry.  So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity.  And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.

God bless to anyone who read this.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Rude Ebay Lady!

I thought I'd share this recent conversation between myself and this super rude ebay seller:

Dear mixon.danielle,

I received the shirt today. And although I appreciate the fast shipping, the shirt is NOT a woman's size large! It's either a girls or it was a juniors and was shrunk. Either way, I believe it was misrepresented AND it absolutely reeks of cigarette smoke.

I would like a refund as I can not wear this and I will have to throw it away because of the smell.

- xxxxxxxxxxxhamsters

Her response:
Dear xxxxxxxxxhamsters,

i am 'very sorry'yr not happy/satisfied.its not misrepresented if you read the descriptionit states juniors/ladies "and thats exactly" wat it is. when i bought/wore it i weighed 140 lbs.it is defeinately """not""" a girls!!! and do you not no/relaize when something is bought new then worn/washed/dried it normally does shrink some-"true"??or not??far as smoke smell,,a wash in the washmachine will remove thatm & we hav """alot""" of our items state ""not-smoke-free"""" but the smell comrs right out if you wash it in alil "tide"far as the sz it was listed as jrs.maybe yr juz too big to wear it??? i dont no!! well im sorry.why is it fair/right to a full refund when it states plainly jrs/ladies??and we state no refunds/please dont bid if yr gonna bid/win/then complain.and if yr a small built/framed lady then it should fit ya!!! thanks

- mixon.danielle
My reaction:
Okay, she got me.  I'm an idiot.  What was I thinking?  I mean, I've clearly been pwned by her expertise as an ebay professional.   I especially loved her use of quotations in "very sorry"... I felt the sincerity in it for sure!   And as per my non-confrontational and gutless personality, I did not respond.  I just left her negative feedback.  Cause that's how I roll.  And I threw the shirt away.  FAIL.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Tuesday Rant

Okay, so since starting on my Lamictal (shout out to GlaxoSmithKline), my rant sessions have been few and far between.  In fact, despite my wanting to rant right now, I feel pretty calm... and pretty dang tired, but I blame that on my friend's cats that are temporarily bunking with me and my boyfriend's nephew waking up 30 times last night.  Anywho, onto my rant:

First, the heat.  What... in... the... freak?  I mean, 100 degrees and humid??  Are you kidding me???  I don't mind the warm weather, but the humidity makes me want to take a sledge hammer and pound some skulls.  I'd eventually like to move to Maine, I think, but I'm thinking it is humid there as well.  Although the Atlantic Ocean is quite chilly, sooooo... I have wanderlust, boo.

Second part of my rant will not involve names.  I just find it humorous that I received a voicemail the other day (ON MY PHONE) where I was told that said person was trying to get a hold of me all weekend, but since I had blocked them on Facebook, it was not possible.  Okay, let me get this right... you are able to call my phone, but you can't get a hold of me any other way than Facebook??  And I was informed that if I unblock them, they can get in touch with me... *smacking forehead* Oy vey! 

Third rant:  why can't people just do what I want when I want and not be upset about it?

Well, that's my rant for today.  I'm always here to listen to your complaints... or pretend I did and nod in agreement.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Big Boys Don't Cry?

This is me at my wit's end...

My 3 year old son cries over everything... no, really, EVERYTHING!  It is starting to make me a little crazy, and I've tried so many things to get him to not do this.  He will cry because you tell him no, he will cry because someone turns the channel on the tv, he will cry because he ran out of toilet paper.  He cries over everything.  Now, I believe it's okay to cry for certain reasons and I understand that he is a child, so I cut him a little slack.  If he gets hurt, if his favorite toy breaks, I get it, go ahead and cry, Son.  But no exaggeration, I would say he cries at least twenty times a day!

And this is a mixture of just throwing his head back and wailing and the occasional real tears.  But if you distract him, two seconds later he will be laughing and smiling.

So what's a mom to do?  (Other than get a Xanax prescription.)  I've scoured the interweb for ideas and solutions with no success.  I've tried ignoring it and going on with life as usual.  I've tried sending him to his room every time and telling him he can't come out until he's done crying.  I've tried timeout.  The one thing I haven't done is give in and give him what he's crying about.

An example:  I am cleaning the living room and he comes up and tells me he wants candy.  Now, my kids get candy maybe once a week, so the likelihood I'm just going to give him random candy is as rare as seeing an albino rhinoceros in Central Park.  So I will simply say, "no, you're not getting candy" and bam!- the crying starts.  There's occasionally throwing himself on the floor crying, hitting things, throwing things, full blown tantrums.

When will it end?  What can I do?  It's been going on for at least three months and since I am the one around him 98% of the time, I know it's not because someone else in his life is giving into him.  It embarrasses me when people come over and see him do this or when I am babysitting kids younger than him and they ask why L is crying. 

Someone attempted to tell me that it's because I didn't let him cry it out as a baby.  I really don't think that's the case.  I didn't let my daughter cry it out and her only issue is a bad attitude.

I'm at a loss.  This is one conundrum that has me pulling my hair out and banging my head on the wall.  I am willing to try anything at this point short of shock therapy.  Help!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

MOTR Recipe: David's Junk

I don't know if this is a real recipe or not, David said someone told it to him and called it "shipwreck" but when I googled recipes for shipwreck, it wasn't even close.  Plus we tweaked it a bit from what he was told, so... I'm calling it "David's Junk"... if you are okay with eating KFC famous bowls, you should not mind this.


1 lb. ground beef, browned, drained

2 packages instant potatoes, four cheese flavor (betty crocker is good)

1 can corn

Doritos (any flavor, but I prefer nacho cheese)

Shredded cheese such as cheddar or colby jack

Find a casserole dish and start layering with ground beef, then mashed potatoes, cheese, corn, more ground beef, potatoes, cheese.  Then crush Doritos on top and bake at 350 for approximately 20 minutes.

There can be lots of variations to this, but this flavor combination is by far the best in my opinion!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Adventures in Babysitting

Due to a "lack of support" (if you will) and the dwindling school days left before summer and impending inability to substitute teach until the end of August, I have been scrambling to come up with an income to pay my share of my bills, pay my car payment and all the other goodies that come from being an independent single mother of two.

So, I have three talents that I believe I am best at (that are legal) and those are: acting, interacting with animals and faking my way through enjoying the company of small children (which I guess goes along with acting.)  Oh, I guess I like to think I am good at writing, but the grad advisor at Western Illinois University would probably beg to differ.

Anyway, I am constantly looking for drop-in babysitting for my kids, occasional babysitting if you will.  You know, they always say that if there's a niche out there that needs to be filled, it will be a lucrative and worthwhile venture to fill it yourself.  Well, since moving to the second largest city in Iowa (move over Los Angeles, you've been p'owned) I have been annoyed with the lack of options for childcare.  Part time is pretty much unheard of.  Transportation to and from school is even less of a possibility unless you wanna pay a thousand bucks a month, which is not in a substitute teacher's budget.  And what about those occasional times when you need to go to your psychiatric appointment or visit your favorite ob/gyn?  Neither of these are kid-friendly situations and living 100 miles from my parents/most reliable babysitters makes for a hard time for this mom.  I have occasional reliability in friends, but that is a rarity. 

So, on my quest, I have discovered that other parents have this quest as well: affordable, occasional babysitters.  Add this to my recent obsession with craigslist and VOILA! - I have a supplemental income.  I currently have 9 kids in my roladex of children I watch, with more inquiries each day and occasional interviews.  They range in ages 1-9.  (Thankfully the majority are 5 and under because the older they get, the sassier and less afraid of my dirty glares they get.)  Whether it's 3 days a week while a parent works 9 hours, a day here and there for 2-4 hours, before and after school or overnight on the weekend, you name it, I make myself available.  My biggest day was getting up at 6 am, having 5 kids by 8, 6 kids until 4, a two hour break and then two kids overnight from 6pm until 9am the next day.

And in case you are wondering, no I am absolutely not getting rich from this venture... can I get an Amen from my fellow babysitters?  Just like being a stay at home moms, in-home daycare providers, teachers and babysitters are underpaid and under-appreciated. And in case you are hoping to turn me into the state for being an "unlicensed daycare provider," suck it, cause I already checked and what I am doing does not constitute being a daycare provider... (na na na boo boo).

I'll admit, some kids annoy me far worse than others, but in general, the worst behaved out of the group is my son, so it makes the other kids much more tolerable.  And I will be honest and admit that when one of them tells me they love me, my heart melts a little... (but if you tell anyone about this, I will kill you!)  And I can never pass up a hug.  I'm working on getting over my fear of snot and boogers and wiping noses  Plus, who needs a day off?  That's what death is for, right?  And I'm pretty sure other than my own kids, I have Memorial Day free from hitting, biting, kicking and pinching over the fact that someone else had a toy first... which is when the jekkyl side of me wants to just set the freaking toy on fire...

As I'm sure you all care immensely, I will keep you posted on how long my nerves can last with this venture... and if you don't hear from me in five days, assume I have been duct taped to a chair and please alert the local authorities...