I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Friday, December 28, 2012

2013 New Year's Resolutions

I tend to only make resolutions that I'm pretty sure I can accomplish.  Of course I always wanna resolve to lose weight, but let's be honest... who sticks to that resolution passed the first week?  If it happens, yay, if it doesn't happen, boo.

So this year I am making four more realistic and do-able resolutions.

1) Be nicer to my husband.  I have issues.  I'm hard to live with.  I don't like people.  But I chose to marry my husband and really, I can't imagine a better catch.  He loves me unconditionally, he loves my children like his own (well, one is his), he is a good provider, a hard worker and he would do anything for me.  Sure he annoys the crap outta me a lot, but anyone that doesn't completely agree with their spouse is annoying, am I right?  And although when he is grumpy it is hard for me to bite my tongue and not wanna throw him out the nearest window, I'm going to try my best to be nicer to him both to his face and behind his back.

No one tell him about this resolution- he doesn't read my blog, so don't be snitching on me!

2) Blog more and blog better.  I have three blogs.  This one, 365 Queries and my anonymous mental health blog.  I go through phases when I feel like blogging and when I don't.  Aside from reviews, which I've tried to be more selective about, I only blog if I feel I have something good to say.  I don't want to force out some blah blog about some menial topic like the weather.  I took a grad class last semester (I got an A, thank you very much!) that was all about writing for the web.  I learned so many good tips about being an effective blogger and social media persona!  Hopefully I can work on implementing these- I've been taking baby steps.

3) Play with my kids more.  I have issues.  "Play" is not a word that often enters my vocabulary, let alone my way of thinking.  Although I love my parents and thing they did a lot of things right, I can not recall a single instance when they played with me.  I'm sure they did when I was really little, but after that, I don't remember any form of interaction that involved fun having.  I was fortunate to have two older brothers who would play with me, though.  I can tell that when I do play with my children it means so much to them.  My sons are already happy-go-lucky and affectionate, but my daughter tends to be a little more reserved with those emotions.  But when I play with her, I find that she really feels happy and afterwards is very loving towards me.  I like it!

4) Finish my masters.  Now this is easier said than done.  I'm done with the grad class portion where I have to meet my hour requirements.  But I'm still waiting on someone to get on board with my capstone.  I don't know if it is because I burned bridges when I withdrew from the university in 2010 and no one wants to work with me.  I understand that many of the professors are legitimately busy, but nonetheless... I am hitting brick walls.  In theory I could be done at the end of this semester.  Is it likely?  No.  Unless I can find someone to direct my capstone by Jan. 14, it's a no go.  Then comes summer semester... and if I still can't find anyone... fall... then spring... you get my drift.  I just wanna be done with it so that my boss will quit harassing me and I can have more teaching opportunities.  Plus I'd like to start on my masters in sociology as well.

Well, that about sums it up.  I have a few little things here and there that I think about, like not caring so much about having shitty "friends" (there are a couple that aren't), being a better teacher, being more positive... but those are kind of lifelong ambitions.

Anyone wanna share their resolutions?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guilt and the chubby guy in a red suit.

You know one word that probably doesn't come to mind when people think about Christmas?

 I'm sure a few of you reading this are thinking, "um, I've totally been saying this for years!"  Okay, well to those of you who haven't... this blog's for you.  I have a huge issue with guilt as it is.  In fact, my new therapist pointed out to me the first visit how many times I used the words guilt and guilty when talking about my feelings.  I had never realized what a huge "burden" it was to me until she pointed it out.  But this blog is more centered around guilt and Christmas, so I will forge ahead.

My first point about guilt is the receiving end.  I've had this problem for YEARS... if my mom gets me a gift I don't like, I feel huge amounts of guilt.  I know she put a lot of thought into it, spent her hard earned money on it and was probably quite pleased.  So I feel awful if I don't like something.  I think that this is the reason why to this day I abhor (and I mean ABHOR) opening gifts in front of people.  I don't like having to fake a smile if I don't like something, but I don't want to hurt someone's feelings either.  What tends to happen if I get a gift I don't like is that I put it in a closet for a year until I can let go.  Then I feel guilty getting rid of it, but feel better about not hoarding things I don't need.  It doesn't really bug me if anyone else gets me a gift I don't like... because it's kind of expected.

Next item of guilt: gift giving.  I've never really realized how much guilt this brings until this year.  I don't really emphasize Santa with my kids.  I don't want to "lie" to them, but I don't want them to miss out on something that the kids around them are excited about.  So I don't really tell them about Santa, I just don't NOT tell them about Santa.  I let them think what they like based on the world around them, books, peers, mass media.  They can't even make a trip to the doctor without being asked about Santa.  But this year I was privy to seeing what both kids asked for from Santa.  Each only asked for one thing and guess what- I hadn't bought either of those things!  They were definitely not expensive items, I just didn't know they wanted them.  I'm not big on the "make me a list of 100 things you want and I'll buy 10."  I prefer at the age my kids are now to buy things I think they will like based on what their interests are.  Now if I noticed them eying something on the shelf at WalMart, I might keep that in mind, but I don't ask them specifically for a list.  I like to think I'm in tune with what my kids like.  But anyway, I felt guilty knowing that neither of them got the one thing they asked for.  Well, as luck would have it, what my daughter asked for was actually something I got for my son for his upcoming birthday.  He didn't ask for it, I just thought he'd like it.  So quick wrapping paper swap and under the tree it went with her name on it.  That meant he had one gift less than her... which meant I needed to get him another one... which left room for the thing he asked for.
Does this make it seem like my kids are spoiled?  I don't think so.  But it alleviated a bit of my guilt, and that's what I wanted.  I also feel guilty if I don't think the gift I got another family member is something they really want, but there's not much I can do about that.

Anyone else get Christmas anxiety due to guilt?    

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Restoring some faith in humanity.

So I have to say that lately I've been bombarded by how selfish people can be and also how lackadaisical people can be.  It just blows my mind how people don't realize that you can't just take, you have to give... it's called karma because when people do nice things for you, treat you with respect or do things that they wouldn't normally do just because they are good people... and you don't reciprocate- don't be surprised if your life doesn't come out roses.  I think this is generally because shitty people make shitty life choices and decisions and it crashes down on their shoulders eventually.

Anyway, but on a positive note.  I recently met this gal through my grad class.  We instantly clicked and although I never get my hopes up, she seems like someone I'd like to be friends with for a long, long time.  Anyway, she has really kept my spirits up and made me laugh (which is a huge deal in my book.)  Well, last night I drove 100 miles to class on a different campus just because she wanted me to.  I thought it would be nice to see her again (she lives a distance away) and it would be courteous of me to do so.

At the end of class right before I had to make the 100 mile trip back home at 8:30 pm in the dark in unfamiliar territory... my phone died.  I was a bit freaked.  Not only would the hubster be worried sick for 2 hours, but if something happened out in the middle of these podunk 55 mph highways, I'd be SOL.

Enter new friend... she (out of nothing but pure goodness of heart) GIVES me her car charger.  WHO DOES THAT???  She does!  I was so thankful and blown away that I have not stopped thinking of it.  It has somewhat restored my faith in humanity and I'd also like to thank her parents, cause they obviously did something right in raising her.

Thank you, New Friend.