I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Things I Can't Let Go Of

As some of my readers may or may not know, I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.  (I've been diagnosed with both by several qualified individuals in different towns/facilities, so if you're in denial about this, way to be unsupportive and you shouldn't read my blogs if you're such a jerkwad.)

Anyway, if you don't know what either are, there's a thing called wikipedia, so I'm not going into the details.

So, back to the point of this blog.  I have a really hard time sharing my feelings with anyone other than my therapist.  This is for two reasons: my therapist gets paid not to judge me and no one makes me feel better, so what's the point.

Throughout my life there have been a few things that I can't let go of.  I know they say forgive and forget, and I always forgive, but I can't forget.  And by "forgive" in some of those instances I carry a grudge, but I don't act on that grudge or refuse to talk to someone for it.  If that were the case, I'd never talk to anyone!  I've always had the philosophy that I will respect someone unconditionally until they do me wrong.  Unfortunately right now, that pretty much just includes my boss- until he fires me.

Here's a list of things that I've never been able to let go of:

1) My parents letting some idiot with a doctor degree out of a Cracker Jack box put me on Paxil.  This guy was the biggest moron known to man and I kinda wish karma would hunt him down.  How could anyone let him be responsible for the mental health of people who deserved better care??  Anyway, the moron misdiagnosed me after meeting me for 5 minutes.  Then he ended up putting me on Paxil and didn't inform me of any side effects.  My parents ridiculously thought I had an eating disorder and I'm sure they conspired with him about the fact that Paxil makes people blow up like the Hindenburg.  My metabolism went from spectacular to non-existent and I've had to work hard to not be 400 lbs for over a decade!

2) My crappy "friend."  Well, most of friends are/have been crappy in that they could care less whether I was alive or dead, but this one in particular has bugged me the most.  I was there for her when she'd call me crying in the middle of the night.  I was there for her two or three times when she moved out- I even helped her move all her stuff once!  I was there for her when she had no money and I bought her groceries for her kids- even though I didn't have money myself!  I've been there for her for so many things even when no one else was.  Well, now she doesn't have anything to do with me.  I'm not 100% sure why... if I had to guess, it's cause a couple years ago she thought I was interested in this jerk that she had the hots for... and I wasn't.  I don't like jerks- especially not ones that are riddled with STDs.  Other than that, I'm not really aware of what I could have done to her personally that was so atrocious.

3) These guys:
     guy a- lied to me and told me he deleted his exes number and then actually put it in as someone else's number and I only found out cause I was TAKING CARE OF HIM after he had his wisdom teeth removed and his phone kept going off so I thought it might be his parents checking on him.  Yeah... that happened.
     guy b- ripped me a new one for "seeing other guys" when we weren't even a couple, but told his ex on New Year's Eve that he loved her.  (Have I mentioned how much people suck?)
     guys c/d- told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, which I handled with pretty good tact, if I do say so myself.  The part that got to me was that he didn't tell me why.  I hate being rejected cause I'm a pretty big fan of myself (of what's on the inside anyway.)
     guy e- thinks I cheated on him and I never did!  I am totally willing to accept when I do something wrong and people find out, but I don't like being accused of something I didn't do!  But because his moronic friends insisted that it didn't make sense that I DIDN'T cheat, he believed it.  Soooo... ugh.

4) Guilt: I don't often feel guilt, but the few things that have stuck with me that I've felt guilty about- I can't let go of.  I'm pretty sure there was this time my dad went to Chicago and brought us all back tee shirts.  I threw a fit and he ended up buying me a toy.  I feel guilty that I was such a brat about that.  When my mom buys me gifts, if I don't like them- I feel guilty about that.  When I used this person and never talked to them again- I feel guilty about that.

5) This one thing that involved money that I felt I was entitled to: I can't go into details on this one because I'd get reamed up and down the Mississippi, but there was this incident that involved something that was done for my three siblings and wasn't done for me and the lame excuse for why not was essentially that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve it.  It's not about not getting the money (that would be pretty bratty of me), it's about the excuse for why I didn't.

Okay, this list is getting long and I have school work to do.  Don't get yourself confused and think these are the only thing in life that have bothered me... I mean come on, I don't trust anyone, I don't know what affection is and I get angry at the drop of a hat... so if you think nothing bothers me... you're so wrong it's wrong.  These are just a handful of things that I needed to get off my chest and I don't get to see my new therapist until September.  I hope you enjoyed my misery!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

50 Million Questions is 49,999,999 Too Many

I've always had this theory that parents should always answer their kids' questions unless they are super inappropriate.  How will children learn if no one gives them answers?  They are curious beings with thirsts for knowledge and answers to life's questions...

That being said, can I draw the line at 50 million questions a day?  I heard a statistic on the radio (it was a trivia question) that asked what a 4 year old does X amount of times per day?  (Couldn't remember the exact number.)  Immediately I thought- ask questions!  I didn't call in cause I was driving, but it was the right answer.  I looked up the statistic and according to 10 Facts About.com, 4 year olds ask an average of 437 questions a day.  I'm not sure how that's possible, but at times it feels like it.  When I googled to find this answer, the top gazillion search results were "how many times a day does a 3 year old, 4 year old, 5 year old, 6 year old... ask questions?"  So apparently it's a common theme.  BUT, my 4 year old is for once not the child I'm referring to!!!

My 6 year old daughter has been driving me bat $hit with how many questions she asks me every day... all day... I can't take a step in any direction with her ask me about everything from "why do babies cry" to "what makes it so hot out" to "is there butter on this bread" to "can I go see if so and so is home?"  It's not just questions about things she's curious about learning, it's questions about everything.  Plus she's going through a stage where she argues with everything, so if she asks you something and doesn't like your response she will argue. 

I'm sure it has something to do with not being at school during the summer and having nothing to stimulate her brain.  I've told her a million times that she would know all these answers if she would read.  Then she tells me she hates to read (which I don't get).  But when she asks me how I know so much, I always say because I liked to read and I listened.

So, going against my beliefs, I've gotten to the point where I beg her to stop asking me so many questions.  I feel bad, but really... her last question might be, "why did they put mommy in a straight jacket and to that building with padded walls?"


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bitter Pills Are the Hardest to Swallow

Here I'm going to go again, making sweeping generalizations... but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason, right?

Okay, so neither of these are new ideas, but I don't think I've vented about them yet and I wouldn't be me if I didn't complain about something!  So here's my recent beef with men, but more importantly dads who live with moms.

1) New babies: when you are having your first child, it's such an exciting time filled with anticipation and thoughts of how your life is going to change.  Of course everyone involved knows that it's going to be a big responsibility, but apparently most men think that responsibility ends at bedtime.  Now I'm not knocking anyone per say, but I've I've had kids with oodles of guys... okay, that's not true.  Either way, before the first child is born comes the statement, "oh, I'll get up with them at night.  I hear every noise and whether you get up or not, I'll get up too."  Not only have I heard this from two different men, but I've established from speaking to other women that this is a common lie that they hear.  Maybe the intent actually was there, but regardless, it soooooooo doesn't happen.

If you take 6 weeks off work, guaranteed you will hear this more than once, "but I have to get up for work in the morning."  If you stay at home after 6 weeks, expect to hear this until your child graduates from high school.  If you go back to work full-time after 6 weeks, expect to hear, "but I have to get up for work earlier than you do."  You'll never win this argument.  They just have it ingrained in their minds that somehow you are just not as deserving of a restful night's sleep as they are.  Then there's the promise of a nap when they get home, but because you have so many other things to do and it's not nighttime, that's easier said than done- plus if you hear the baby cry once, you're up.  What's the solution, you ask?  Well, how about if you're a dad, you get up with your kid once in awhile and let the mom sleep.  No?  Oh, okay then. 

Now as I said, this is not every man.  There are those lucky duck women who net themselves a guy who actually ENJOYS common human decency.  I could be wrong (don't think I am) but I'm pretty sure my dad was the one who go up with us every night when we were babies and he and my mom worked the same hours.

2) I just thought I'd throw this one out there because it's the same vain of topics.  You know how the truth always comes out when people are angry?  (Not me, I speak the truth all the time cause I'm not worried about hurting people's feelings.)  If you are a woman who works part-time or no-time, expect your man to say that you don't work and therefore you shouldn't expect his help around the house.  Of course when he's in a good mood he will say that he knows you do a lot and you work hard... but the first time you ask him to do the dishes and he really doesn't want to... be prepared for his true feelings come out.

Have you experienced either of these things or should I hate you for having a one in a million kinda guy?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

My Theory About This Guy at WalMart

So Friday I was in WalMart. 

It's no fresh news that often you come across some "interesting" people there.  Of course in my hometown the most I usually scoff at are the people cussing out their children loudly in the store- talk about trashy!  But nothing so interesting as what you see on People of WalMart.  (If you've never checked out the site, you're really missing out on some good laughs!)

Okay, so anyway, I was in WalMart in my hometown on Friday.  I was just casually strolling towards the cat food aisle and was passing the hair care aisle when I noticed a gentleman that looked to be either a rough late 30s or in his 40s.  Well, he was using a hairbrush to brush his hair and then I saw him put said brush back on the shelf.  His hair appeared to be somewhat greasy, but I wasn't going to get close enough to look.

First thing that came to mind was, "totally gross."  Second thing that came to mind is that I'm glad I've had the same awesome hairbrush since the 80s so I don't have to worry about buying a new one that has been slightly used.

So I'm thinking that maybe what happened was that this guy had a hot date and decided to use the WalMart facilities to get ready.  Maybe he washed up in the bathroom, went to the deodorant aisle to manage his body odor (assuming he had some), stopped by the cologne and spritzed himself and who knows- maybe he tested out some toothpaste while he was at it.

Of course, this is all just hypothetical.  But what a great story to tell his future grandkids if he was in fact going out on a hot date.