The Things I Can't Let Go Of

As some of my readers may or may not know, I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.  (I've been diagnosed with both by several qualified individuals in different towns/facilities, so if you're in denial about this, way to be unsupportive and you shouldn't read my blogs if you're such a jerkwad.)

Anyway, if you don't know what either are, there's a thing called wikipedia, so I'm not going into the details.

So, back to the point of this blog.  I have a really hard time sharing my feelings with anyone other than my therapist.  This is for two reasons: my therapist gets paid not to judge me and no one makes me feel better, so what's the point.

Throughout my life there have been a few things that I can't let go of.  I know they say forgive and forget, and I always forgive, but I can't forget.  And by "forgive" in some of those instances I carry a grudge, but I don't act on that grudge or refuse to talk to someone for it.  If that were the case, I'd never talk to anyone!  I've always had the philosophy that I will respect someone unconditionally until they do me wrong.  Unfortunately right now, that pretty much just includes my boss- until he fires me.

Here's a list of things that I've never been able to let go of:

1) My parents letting some idiot with a doctor degree out of a Cracker Jack box put me on Paxil.  This guy was the biggest moron known to man and I kinda wish karma would hunt him down.  How could anyone let him be responsible for the mental health of people who deserved better care??  Anyway, the moron misdiagnosed me after meeting me for 5 minutes.  Then he ended up putting me on Paxil and didn't inform me of any side effects.  My parents ridiculously thought I had an eating disorder and I'm sure they conspired with him about the fact that Paxil makes people blow up like the Hindenburg.  My metabolism went from spectacular to non-existent and I've had to work hard to not be 400 lbs for over a decade!

2) My crappy "friend."  Well, most of friends are/have been crappy in that they couldn't care less whether I was alive or dead, but this one in particular has bugged me the most.  I was there for her when she'd call me crying in the middle of the night.  I was there for her two or three times when she moved out- I even helped her move all her stuff once!  I was there for her when she had no money and I bought her groceries for her kids- even though I didn't have money myself!  I've been there for her for so many things even when no one else was.  Well, now she doesn't have anything to do with me.  I'm not 100% sure why... if I had to guess, it's cause a couple years ago she thought I was interested in this jerk that she had the hots for... and I wasn't.  I don't like jerks- especially not ones that are riddled with STDs.  Other than that, I'm not really aware of what I could have done to her personally that was so atrocious.

3) These guys:
     guy a- lied to me and told me he deleted his exes number and then actually put it in as someone else's number and I only found out cause I was TAKING CARE OF HIM after he had his wisdom teeth removed and his phone kept going off so I thought it might be his parents checking on him.  Yeah... that happened.
     guy b- ripped me a new one for "seeing other guys" when we weren't even a couple, but told his ex on New Year's Eve that he loved her.  (Have I mentioned how much people suck?)
     guys c/d- told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, which I handled with pretty good tact, if I do say so myself.  The part that got to me was that he didn't tell me why.  I hate being rejected cause I'm a pretty big fan of myself (of what's on the inside anyway.)
     guy e- thinks I cheated on him and I never did!  I am totally willing to accept when I do something wrong and people find out, but I don't like being accused of something I didn't do!  But because his moronic friends insisted that it didn't make sense that I DIDN'T cheat, he believed it.  Soooo... ugh.

4) Guilt: I don't often feel guilt, but the few things that have stuck with me that I've felt guilty about- I can't let go of.  I'm pretty sure there was this time my dad went to Chicago and brought us all back tee shirts.  I threw a fit and he ended up buying me a toy.  I feel guilty that I was such a brat about that.  When my mom buys me gifts, if I don't like them- I feel guilty about that.  When I used this person and never talked to them again- I feel guilty about that.

5) This one thing that involved money that I felt I was entitled to: I can't go into details on this one because I'd get reamed up and down the Mississippi, but there was this incident that involved something that was done for my three siblings and wasn't done for me and the lame excuse for why not was essentially that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve it.  It's not about not getting the money (that would be pretty bratty of me), it's about the excuse for why I didn't.

Okay, this list is getting long and I have school work to do.  Don't get yourself confused and think these are the only thing in life that have bothered me... I mean come on, I don't trust anyone, I don't know what affection is and I get angry at the drop of a hat... so if you think nothing bothers me... you're so wrong it's wrong.  These are just a handful of things that I needed to get off my chest and I don't get to see my new therapist until September.  I hope you enjoyed my misery!

The Guilt That Keeps On Giving

As you may already know, I hate emotions. I think they are a sign of weakness and I will pass on the emoting train. Of course, I have the occasional time where I let myself feel and then I try to shake it off and get back on track.

Then there's guilt. I hate guilt. Mainly because when I feel guilt it is because I did something wrong. And being wrong is not fun. (As aforementioned.)

The first memory I have of feeling guilt was when I was super young. My dad went to Chicago for something and he brought us all back these tee shirts that said Chicago on them. (At the time I recall thinking Chicago was around Florida.) Well, I felt jipped. I did not want some measly tee shirt. So, my dad went out and bought me some sort of Barbie because I think he felt bad for me. I was excited about the doll, but I remember playing with it later on and thinking, "did I hurt his feelings because I didn't want a shirt?" In hindsight, the shirt was much more significant that a stupid doll.

Anyway, back to today and guilt... and emotions. My mom is retiring and the other day they had an assembly at her school. I cried at the assembly because I know how upset she is about retiring but how she knows it is the right decision. She loves her job. But I cried because I felt her pain. It surprised me and I was sure she saw me crying... but she didn't. And she later commented on how my sister and I were so deadpan at the assembly. I didn't respond because I felt weak for crying and did not want to tell her. So now I feel guilty for letting her think that I didn't care and was emotionless.

Ah, life. Why we do the things we do, why we think the things we think is such an enigma to me. Just when I think I know myself completely, things happen that surprise me. I emote. I hate it. But I know that I'm a human being and it's okay. If I could just come to terms with that, things would be peachy.