Wow, it's 2024?! (Musings on my "brand.")

 Where has the time gone?  I haven't blogged in almost a year.  I've decided to blog now because I'm currently taking a grad class about personal branding and although I am clearly not active with blogging, I'm trying to decide what direction is most important to go with my "brand."  I don't aim to make money with it... that's a pipedream that has long since been burst.  But I feel as though I get the most genuine response from followers when I discuss mental health.  Of course my favorite thing to do is use humor to lighten the mood.

I think about some of the blogs that I used to follow the authors and keep in touch with them.  Some have divorced, their children have moved on... but they haven't updated their blogs in years.  I don't keep in touch with them anymore.  I think about all the people that got famous doing the unboxing videos.  I never wanted to do that with my kids, despite their constant proclamations that they were going to grow up to be YouTube stars.  And what about TikTok?  Nope, haven't gotten on board with that.  Don't plan to either.  I have started throwing some YouTube shorts up.  Many of them are recycled Instagram reels, though, lol.  

So what is my "brand" right now?  If you're interested, I still post quite a bit on Facebook and Instagram.  It's mostly humor, mental health (mainly borderline, ptsd, and bipolar), animal videos (I love my squirrels) and occasional trending stuff.

I promise to post an update about my life and those in it very soon just in case there's that one person reading this that has been on pins and needles wondering what's been going on.  I can't make any promises to post more than that because I don't believe in setting myself up for failure.

This is what I've got for now.  Stay tuned...

Oh, and if you're new- I've got a lot of great older content!

Agoraphobia and the big bad world

I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists off an on since I was 17.  I've always had the definitive borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorders diagnoses from most all of them (don't get me started on the horrible, terrible, very bad first psychiatrist I ever had.)  And of course, as tends to happen, it's hard to keep the same ones your whole life.  Therapist-wise, I've only had two in the past 16 years.  They have been great and I have learned so much from them.  My first one retired and recommended the one that I currently see.  I even drive 90 miles to see her as I moved in November, but I prefer not to start all over and you become kind of attached to your therapist.

Now psychiatrists, they tend to not stay put very long apparently.  I've seen 5 over the years, but my current one has been around the longest for me.  He is EXTREMELY smart, although a bit eccentric and prefers holistic approaches, but realizes that he's not in the majority with that theory in the world of psychiatry.

Anyway, when I first started seeing him was when he took over for the previous psychiatrist at my local hospital and clinics when she retired.  (She was sooooo strange- and not too bright either.)  So when Dr. O started, he wanted to get to know all his patients and spent about an hour with me on our first appointment, which tends to be unheard of these days with psychiatrists.  In the appointments over the years since, he spends as much time with me as the mood permits.  Some days I'm just there to get refills and other times I'm there in desperate need of a med change, increased dosage or some other answer that I don't have for myself.  On the first meeting with him, he diagnosed me with PTSD.  He asked me if I knew what it was and I said, "isn't it what people have when they come back to war?"  But he explained in a really interesting way that I sure wish I could remember!

Now back to agoraphobia.  I had always assumed that it was just about being in crowded places, but it is more than that.  This was the most recent diagnosis he gave me.  I, of course, can't tell you my deepest feelings, but let's chalk it up to the fact that I often don't want to leave my house- I can't tell you why (maybe if this blog was 100% anonymous to everyone I knew), but that's how I feel.  The thought of having to go places at times gives me an overwhelming feeling of dread and panic.  It can be something as little as running to the grocery store for one thing to going to work. 

The hardest part about it is getting people I know to accept it.  Of course no one understands you better than you, but everyone is a doctor in their own mind.  Some people know me as outgoing- I've even done theatre!  But it comes and goes- as does the mania and depression, sometimes feelings just last longer than other times.  So people that know me well don't understand how I could possibly be agoraphobic.  But they don't FEEL how I feel.  They aren't in my head and to be honest, I don't want to allow them to be.  Do you know what it feels like to have people treat you like you're being overdramatic, exaggerating the way you feel, when all you want is to feel "normal."  Even loved ones look at you as if you're being a pain in the ass and want you to "get over it."  And people wonder why I have trust issues and don't like to share my feelings.

I'm not trying to throw a pity-party, I'm writing this so that other people who are in my position realize that they aren't alone.  (Definitely email me if you need someone to talk to.)  I would like to think that the people I know that are reading this won't judge or won't roll their eyes to themselves, but again, something I can't change (God grant me the serenity...)  Unfortunately, the "get over its" of the world will continue to exist around me and I will always be thankful that I have my therapist and psychiatrist who believe me and put stock in what I feel... even if I have to pay them to!

"Overwhelmed" is profanity.

whelm verb: to submerge, engulf

overwhelm verb (used with object) 

1. to overcome completely in mind or feeling: overwhelmed by remorse.

2. to load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything

I have an extreme abhorrence for the word "overwhelmed" but mainly when people try to use it in regards to me.  I had one of the top 5 worst experiences in my life happen about 3 years ago in grad school and a certain pompous meanie face with total social ineptitude had the gall to say that I might be "overwhelmed" with my work load and personal life.  I was livid!  And of course the other aspects of that incident left me wondering about humanity and how on earth people could be so vicious and unfeeling blows my mind.

Well the other day my new therapist used the word "overwhelmed," but in a question as in, "do you feel overwhelmed and is that causing...?"  And of course the answer is no.  I don't feel overwhelmed.  She wasn't saying it in a mean or accusing or negative way, so I won't fault her for that.

Although I think that people may assume I am overwhelmed, whether from my behavior, irritability, throwing things at walls, no, I am not overwhelmed.  I would never take on more than I can handle.  In fact, I thrive on being busy.  Yes, some days I want to just bum it out, but I can't stand the thought of lying in bed all day, sitting around in my pajamas all day, watching tv all day... maybe for the first part of the day I can sit and chill, but that's about it.  My mind begins to flood with the things that I could be doing but I am not.  

I work, but not full time.  I am taking 3 grad classes right now, but I should have been finished two years ago.  I have 3 kids, but they are pretty great kids and I have a wonderful husband who helps me immensely.  Sure I get a bit frustrated when I am inundated with questions and ideas thrown at me in a 30 second period of time.  Sure I get set off by little things time to time, but that has to do with my mental illnesses and not because I am completely overwhelmed.

So if you think I am, I am not.  I am as busy as I want to be.  Life is short and you gotta pack as much of it as you can and right now I think there are many other things in life I could be doing.  

Oh, and I've been having a great physical issue with having a complete lack of energy and my psychiatrist is an idiot (as they all seem to be so far) and she just keeps throwing wacky meds at me to try and help me out.  

But I'm not overwhelmed.

The Things I Can't Let Go Of

As some of my readers may or may not know, I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.  (I've been diagnosed with both by several qualified individuals in different towns/facilities, so if you're in denial about this, way to be unsupportive and you shouldn't read my blogs if you're such a jerkwad.)

Anyway, if you don't know what either are, there's a thing called wikipedia, so I'm not going into the details.

So, back to the point of this blog.  I have a really hard time sharing my feelings with anyone other than my therapist.  This is for two reasons: my therapist gets paid not to judge me and no one makes me feel better, so what's the point.

Throughout my life there have been a few things that I can't let go of.  I know they say forgive and forget, and I always forgive, but I can't forget.  And by "forgive" in some of those instances I carry a grudge, but I don't act on that grudge or refuse to talk to someone for it.  If that were the case, I'd never talk to anyone!  I've always had the philosophy that I will respect someone unconditionally until they do me wrong.  Unfortunately right now, that pretty much just includes my boss- until he fires me.

Here's a list of things that I've never been able to let go of:

1) My parents letting some idiot with a doctor degree out of a Cracker Jack box put me on Paxil.  This guy was the biggest moron known to man and I kinda wish karma would hunt him down.  How could anyone let him be responsible for the mental health of people who deserved better care??  Anyway, the moron misdiagnosed me after meeting me for 5 minutes.  Then he ended up putting me on Paxil and didn't inform me of any side effects.  My parents ridiculously thought I had an eating disorder and I'm sure they conspired with him about the fact that Paxil makes people blow up like the Hindenburg.  My metabolism went from spectacular to non-existent and I've had to work hard to not be 400 lbs for over a decade!

2) My crappy "friend."  Well, most of friends are/have been crappy in that they couldn't care less whether I was alive or dead, but this one in particular has bugged me the most.  I was there for her when she'd call me crying in the middle of the night.  I was there for her two or three times when she moved out- I even helped her move all her stuff once!  I was there for her when she had no money and I bought her groceries for her kids- even though I didn't have money myself!  I've been there for her for so many things even when no one else was.  Well, now she doesn't have anything to do with me.  I'm not 100% sure why... if I had to guess, it's cause a couple years ago she thought I was interested in this jerk that she had the hots for... and I wasn't.  I don't like jerks- especially not ones that are riddled with STDs.  Other than that, I'm not really aware of what I could have done to her personally that was so atrocious.

3) These guys:
     guy a- lied to me and told me he deleted his exes number and then actually put it in as someone else's number and I only found out cause I was TAKING CARE OF HIM after he had his wisdom teeth removed and his phone kept going off so I thought it might be his parents checking on him.  Yeah... that happened.
     guy b- ripped me a new one for "seeing other guys" when we weren't even a couple, but told his ex on New Year's Eve that he loved her.  (Have I mentioned how much people suck?)
     guys c/d- told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, which I handled with pretty good tact, if I do say so myself.  The part that got to me was that he didn't tell me why.  I hate being rejected cause I'm a pretty big fan of myself (of what's on the inside anyway.)
     guy e- thinks I cheated on him and I never did!  I am totally willing to accept when I do something wrong and people find out, but I don't like being accused of something I didn't do!  But because his moronic friends insisted that it didn't make sense that I DIDN'T cheat, he believed it.  Soooo... ugh.

4) Guilt: I don't often feel guilt, but the few things that have stuck with me that I've felt guilty about- I can't let go of.  I'm pretty sure there was this time my dad went to Chicago and brought us all back tee shirts.  I threw a fit and he ended up buying me a toy.  I feel guilty that I was such a brat about that.  When my mom buys me gifts, if I don't like them- I feel guilty about that.  When I used this person and never talked to them again- I feel guilty about that.

5) This one thing that involved money that I felt I was entitled to: I can't go into details on this one because I'd get reamed up and down the Mississippi, but there was this incident that involved something that was done for my three siblings and wasn't done for me and the lame excuse for why not was essentially that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve it.  It's not about not getting the money (that would be pretty bratty of me), it's about the excuse for why I didn't.

Okay, this list is getting long and I have school work to do.  Don't get yourself confused and think these are the only thing in life that have bothered me... I mean come on, I don't trust anyone, I don't know what affection is and I get angry at the drop of a hat... so if you think nothing bothers me... you're so wrong it's wrong.  These are just a handful of things that I needed to get off my chest and I don't get to see my new therapist until September.  I hope you enjoyed my misery!

Hell Hath No Fury Like This Lady Without Her Meds!!!

So I need to vent.  As you should all know if you follow my blog, I'm bipolar.  Well, I have been without one of my meds for almost two weeks.  Here is why:

When I moved from my last town in August, I had several months worth of pills left.  Well, thinking it would be a quick and painless transition, about 3-4 weeks ago, I tried to set up an appt with a local psychiatrist to get my meds refilled.  Well, apparently their office only accepts appointments with a referral.  Having my old doctor fax my information to my new doctor was considered a referral, but apparently this process is taking a long time and a lot of pointing fingers in the delay, but I can't make an appt. until the information is received by the new doctor.

In the meantime, I've been out of one of my medications.  You are often warned about the side effects of quitting psychotropic drugs cold turkey, so I decided to make an appointment with a general practice doctor in the same building.  So, I got in today.... and that doctor... wow.  I've never wanted to walk out of an office in my life and it took all my willpower not to!  She was super rude, wouldn't make eye contact and didn't understand why I couldn't wait for an appt with the psychiatrist.  She just kept asking if I was suicidal.  I really wanted to tell her that I'm homicidal, but she didn't seem like the type of person who gets sarcasm or jokes of any kind.  Long story short, she lectured me, told me she wasn't comfortable with it and told me I should try to make an appt with the psychiatrist.

Well, let me tell you.  At this moment, I hate everyone and everything.  I've felt this way since like two days after my meds ran out.  I could literally give a 5-10 minute speech on why I hate every person I know (except my kids.)  Do I actually hate them?  I don't think so... maybe one or two... but at this point in time, I want to stab them all from their left eyebrow to the dimples in their knee caps.  I get mad at the TV, I get mad at the wind.  I'm in a constant state of rage and it makes me pity those around me.  Add to this that I can't sleep and when I do I am having vivid dreams of pointless things.  I wake up 80 times a night and give up around 6am when I don't have to be up until 8.

So, no DOCTOR, I am not SUICIDAL, but how about you take your cracker jack box degree back to where you came from (she's new to the clinic) and learn something called empathy... and tact... and being around other human beings.

FAIL.