You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Okay, so this is nothing new.  Everyone knows about this, but today I am choosing to bring it up because it is on my mind...

You know when you first start developing feelings for someone?  You're giddy, your pulse raises when you first see them, their kiss gives you butterflies, you think about them all the time when they are not around... well, why can't that last forever?  Why can't we be lovey dovey for life?  If you're sappy like me, then you see old people walking and holding hands and think, "I'd love for that to be me some day."  I think that is why so many people get divorced these days.  Well, this and the fact that people don't like putting up with anyone else's $hit.  I'd like to believe that every couple has these aforementioned feelings at some point in their relationship, if not, that is really sad.  But, why do these feelings go away?  Why can't we still get butterflies and racing pulses and googly eyes?  Is it because once people get comfortable with each other, they no longer feel the need to try? 

You know what gets me the most about that old couple holding hands?  They have been holding hands their whole lives!  I don't think a couple gets to be 80 and all of the sudden decides to start holding hands.  No, they have always realized what the other one means to them and they hold on to them because they never want to let them go.  Well, dammit, I wanna be holding hands with someone!  I wanna be snuggling with someone instead of arguing with them over who cleans more, why we shouldn't keep the cats, who wastes more money, why one of us used to be an alcoholic... and so on and so forth.  I want to sit on the same side of the couch instead of polar opposite and co-existing through life.  I want to spoon in bed instead of facing the opposite direction and lying on the edge of the bed.

What does it mean when people lose that loving feeling?  Does that mean they are no longer in love?  Is it a feeling that you can get back?  I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it!  I know some of the arguments are my fault too.  And I know that sometimes the lack of affection can be from me being mad and withholding it.  But, I refuse to believe that a relationship has to be boring and vanilla.  I refuse to spend another decade of my life drifting through with a roommate.  I don't know what to do to get it back or if I should just jump ship now and enjoy being free.  Why can't things just be easy??

My Name is Hammy, and I'm a Hypocrite

You know how things bother you?  You can't say that nothing bothers you.  We're all human and whether we smile and act like nothing is wrong, put our faith in God that things will get better, or brush it under the rug, there will always be that instant when your brain tells you, "Hey!  I don't like this feeling."

Well, I've had to become more self aware of myself in the past year than I'd care to.  I'm tired of myself!  But, in order to become the people we want to be, we must take a hard look at our flaws and realize that although we don't want to change, sometimes we need to.

So this leads me into my realization that I am totally a hypocrite!  I used to pride myself in not being a jealous person.  But then I realized that it wasn't so much I wasn't jealous, it was just that when I was younger, I didn't invest much in the guys I was dating, then in my longest relationship, it was more that I had no reason to be jealous.  But then when I did, I chalked it up to mental issues.  I poo poo'd the idea that I was a jealous person.  Well, fast forward to today and I will be honest that I am a jealous person!  Sure, there were the guys that I didn't care about enough to get jealous, but then when there is one, I realize that the thought of him being interested or alone with another chick makes me wanna rip his AND her heads off, wrap them in trashbags full of gasoline, hang them from a flag pole and shoot flaming arrows at them.

But what makes me a hypocrite is that I don't see why it's not okay for me to talk to guys, why it's not okay for me to hang out alone with guys.  It's okay for me to text my exes, but if a guy I'm with even brings up a girl's name that he even kissed while drunk, I'm ready to claw some faces!  And I'll be honest, I'm normally big on keeping my feelings buried down deep because I don't like feeling vulnerable.  But then the bipolar side of me occasionally kicks in and I flip out like a vegetarian at the slaughter house.

I don't know why I can't convince myself not to feel this way.  I know I'm not the hottest looking lady out there, but it's not that I feel threatened.  I guess it's more the idea that a guy I'm interested in would even give a second thought to another girl.  And no, I'm not THAT full of myself!  I know my poo stinks as much as everyone else's does.  I just can't force myself to stop.  All I know is that it hurts.  I get physical pains in my chests at the thought of someone who cared/cares about me caring about someone else, whether I want to be with them or not...

Anyway, I've said too much.