I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My Name is Hammy, and I'm a Hypocrite

You know how things bother you?  You can't say that nothing bothers you.  We're all human and whether we smile and act like nothing is wrong, put our faith in God that things will get better, or brush it under the rug, there will always be that instant when your brain tells you, "Hey!  I don't like this feeling."

Well, I've had to become more self aware of myself in the past year than I'd care to.  I'm tired of myself!  But, in order to become the people we want to be, we must take a hard look at our flaws and realize that although we don't want to change, sometimes we need to.

So this leads me into my realization that I am totally a hypocrite!  I used to pride myself in not being a jealous person.  But then I realized that it wasn't so much I wasn't jealous, it was just that when I was younger, I didn't invest much in the guys I was dating, then in my longest relationship, it was more that I had no reason to be jealous.  But then when I did, I chalked it up to mental issues.  I poo poo'd the idea that I was a jealous person.  Well, fast forward to today and I will be honest that I am a jealous person!  Sure, there were the guys that I didn't care about enough to get jealous, but then when there is one, I realize that the thought of him being interested or alone with another chick makes me wanna rip his AND her heads off, wrap them in trashbags full of gasoline, hang them from a flag pole and shoot flaming arrows at them.

But what makes me a hypocrite is that I don't see why it's not okay for me to talk to guys, why it's not okay for me to hang out alone with guys.  It's okay for me to text my exes, but if a guy I'm with even brings up a girl's name that he even kissed while drunk, I'm ready to claw some faces!  And I'll be honest, I'm normally big on keeping my feelings buried down deep because I don't like feeling vulnerable.  But then the bipolar side of me occasionally kicks in and I flip out like a vegetarian at the slaughter house.

I don't know why I can't convince myself not to feel this way.  I know I'm not the hottest looking lady out there, but it's not that I feel threatened.  I guess it's more the idea that a guy I'm interested in would even give a second thought to another girl.  And no, I'm not THAT full of myself!  I know my poo stinks as much as everyone else's does.  I just can't force myself to stop.  All I know is that it hurts.  I get physical pains in my chests at the thought of someone who cared/cares about me caring about someone else, whether I want to be with them or not...

Anyway, I've said too much.

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