Is This a Girl Thing?

I like to think I'm not like all the other girls... of course that would be a little presumptuous of me.  I don't consider myself to be clingy, I'm not all about romance (although a little romance here and there is okay.)  So today, on one of my mind wandering trips, I was thinking about how men and women meet, date and either decide to be together forever or move on to the next poor sap.  The question always arises after an exchange of phone numbers about how many days the guy (or gal) should wait to call so as not to seem desperate.  Well, with texting and FB chat, that kind of makes a large gray area.

But, onto my point... For some reason, I like to know that I'm a hot commodity.  I've always had pretty good luck at getting the guy I've set my sights on.  But, is it a guy that I actually want?  I like attention, but only when I want it.  But I think it might be overkill of me to think that a guy should think about me at least once a day.  Therefore, I expect a text once a day saying, "hey!  I'm alive, are you?"  That's all... is that too much to ask?  Even if I don't wanna spend time with him or he doesn't want to spend time with me, I'd like to at least know that he remembers I exist.

Then what about those guys who send you 100 texts a day?  Should that make you worried?  Is there something to the idea of a chase?  Do chicks tend to fall harder for a guy who shows them tons of attention over a guy they like more, but doesn't show them enough?  Guys like a chase, right?  Do girls?  I recall liking guys here and there who didn't give me anything to chase, so therefore I wasn't interested.  But then when they stopped doting, I became interested again.  Then there was the one who I thought was interested, but then he would go days without letting me know that he was alive or checking to see if I was and although it was hard for me to throw in the towel, my pride made me. I know the Earth doesn't revolve around me, the tides don't come in because I'm happy, the sun doesn't rise and set by my moods... but don't we all want to feel a little special deep down?

I guess my point to all these ramblings comes back to these questions:  Is it really about the chase or do we decide to go with the one that shows us the most attention?  Is is possible to form a deep love with someone who can go days without speaking to you?  Do we just settle for what we can get because we can never get what we want?

My mind wonders...

What a Difference a Day Makes!!

Despite the whole bipolar thing, I see myself as a glass full kind of gal.  I totally abhor suicide because people have to realize that life CAN get better, you just have to work at it.  Of course, I know that not every bad thing in life is specifically that person's fault... believe me, I KNOW.  I always say that the bad things that have happened to me in life are because of other people.  That probably sounds like I don't take the blame for anything, believe me I do!  If I don't have money for gas and I don't work, duh, it's my fault I don't have money for gas!  But if I don't have money for gas because Jen Schirm of Iowa City didn't pay me the $150 she owed me for babysitting... well, then I blame Jen Schirm.  (Of course I can be partially to blame for trusting someone who couldn't be trusted.)

So, rewind to yesterday.  Not to get into details, but when we moved into our apartment, the lady that manages the property we moved into said that she wouldn't cash our deposit until close to Sept. 9th because that's when we'd be caught up from moving.  She even talked us into moving sooner than we had planned because she kept insisting the check wouldn't get cashed until the 9th.  Well, guess what.  Yesterday was soooo not the 9th and the check got deducted from my bank account, which immediately ruined my day.  Once again, I suppose I can take blame for trusting someone... am I beginning to see a pattern here?  Wow, I just had an epiphany... bad things happen to me when I trust people.  Aha!  Now I know why I say you can never trust anyone.

Fast forward back to today.  A deposit came in sooner than I had anticipated, which covered the check that was cashed yesterday!  That immediately put me in a much better mood.  And I sat there and realized, you know, I have two awesome kids who are with me 98% of the time, I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me endlessly, I have friends that occasionally talk to me, I just got a part in a play, which is one of my favorite things to do AND, I love my job!!!  So dang it, I tell myself, I need to start looking more at the positives than the negatives.  Sure, David tells me that all you need is love... well, I don't know that living in a cardboard box with my kids eating rats is really going to make me happy, but I appreciate his sentiment.

So for today, it's a good day and I'm loving life!!!

You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Okay, so this is nothing new.  Everyone knows about this, but today I am choosing to bring it up because it is on my mind...

You know when you first start developing feelings for someone?  You're giddy, your pulse raises when you first see them, their kiss gives you butterflies, you think about them all the time when they are not around... well, why can't that last forever?  Why can't we be lovey dovey for life?  If you're sappy like me, then you see old people walking and holding hands and think, "I'd love for that to be me some day."  I think that is why so many people get divorced these days.  Well, this and the fact that people don't like putting up with anyone else's $hit.  I'd like to believe that every couple has these aforementioned feelings at some point in their relationship, if not, that is really sad.  But, why do these feelings go away?  Why can't we still get butterflies and racing pulses and googly eyes?  Is it because once people get comfortable with each other, they no longer feel the need to try? 

You know what gets me the most about that old couple holding hands?  They have been holding hands their whole lives!  I don't think a couple gets to be 80 and all of the sudden decides to start holding hands.  No, they have always realized what the other one means to them and they hold on to them because they never want to let them go.  Well, dammit, I wanna be holding hands with someone!  I wanna be snuggling with someone instead of arguing with them over who cleans more, why we shouldn't keep the cats, who wastes more money, why one of us used to be an alcoholic... and so on and so forth.  I want to sit on the same side of the couch instead of polar opposite and co-existing through life.  I want to spoon in bed instead of facing the opposite direction and lying on the edge of the bed.

What does it mean when people lose that loving feeling?  Does that mean they are no longer in love?  Is it a feeling that you can get back?  I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it!  I know some of the arguments are my fault too.  And I know that sometimes the lack of affection can be from me being mad and withholding it.  But, I refuse to believe that a relationship has to be boring and vanilla.  I refuse to spend another decade of my life drifting through with a roommate.  I don't know what to do to get it back or if I should just jump ship now and enjoy being free.  Why can't things just be easy??

Happy Father's Day to the Non-Biological Fathers!

You know, they say that blood is thicker than water.  But, I'd like to add that love is sometimes thicker than blood.  In these days of "broken" families, step parents, foster parents, absent parents, etc., the meaning of "father" has changed.  I believe that the meaning should include any man who loves a child like their own, respects them, cares for them and does right by them.  I think the words "deadbeat dad" are getting all too common in society today.  Why are those dads to be honored because they made babies, but the men who are raising their children are not technically fathers?

Today I am reminded of several types of fathers.  I have a friend that is a father, but not allowed to see his children for father's day because his ex is mad at him.  Yet he's a father, why does he not deserve to be honored.  My boyfriend David has no biological children, yet for the past 5 months, he has provided for my children in ways their own father has not.  He loves my children as if they were his own and I believe that the more love a child gets, the better they can be as adults.  David sacrificed living on an income only having to support one to trying to support FOUR.  He is constantly wanting to do better.  He nurtures them and cares for them and in return they love and adore him.  Is he their father?  Not biologically.  Is he a father? YES.

So on this day I think we should honor FATHERS.  Men who do right by their children and men who do right by the children in their lives.  It is easy to become a father, but it is much harder to BE a father- and those that are willing to try are to be commended!

And I'd also like to honor my own father.  He was the kind of dad that changed diapers, bathed us, tucked us in at night, prepared dinner every night AFTER working all day.  When I had my tonsils out, my dad was there.  When I broke my first bone, my dad was there.  When I got my first stitches my dad was there.  When I was giving birth to my first child, both my parents were there, but it was my dad who paced with worry hearing me screaming down the hall.  He has been a phenomenal grandparent to my children and it is clear that he adores them.  Although we have views that are about as opposite as they may come, I think my dad raised me to take pride in what I do, work hard and become someone that others can admire.  He has also shown me that you can accomplish any goal at any age.  And then there's all the money he's loaned me that I have and haven't paid back.  Thank you, dad!  I love you.

Short Story: Beauty & The Beast (An Internal Story of Conflict)

The Beast was one of those guys that thought he knew everything.  He refused to listen to anyone and just went with his gut on every major and minor life decision.  When it came to girls, he had a wall up and refused to let them in because it would be unbeastly of him.  The other beasts were much easier to hang out with than the female species.  Beasts are beasts and there is no drama, no heartache, no game playing, just beasts being beasts.


In reality, The Beast did not know much outside of the edges of his bitter soul.  He had been hardened by a previous pointless mistake and it had blinded him to the reality of goodness in the world.  He could no longer see the sun through the clouds and a smile was something that just occurred as a reciprocation of politeness.  He knew little outside the four walls of his own private hell.


Then he met Beauty.  Her soul was pure, her smile was genuine.  Some would say her only fault was being too nice.  (Well, that and her feet- she inherited the hideous feet gene.)  In her niceness, she failed to see evil.  She failed to consider the fact that the world wasn't always sunshine and roses all day long.  With her unwaivering smile, she set out to make the world a happier place, one person at a time.


One day Beauty met The Beast.  It was a chance meeting that was completely unplanned.  Beauty was in a state of mind of passing out daisies and rainbows to those around her.  The Beast was despondent.  Beauty felt her heart opening in sympathy and had decided to make it her mission to make The Beast whole again.  She invested her time, she devoted a small piece of her soul, she felt The Beast begin to crack and his smile start to radiate a little bit of truth.  She was hopeful that she could repair his shattered being.  But in her eagerness, she lost sight of her reason for being, her purpose in life- to share her generosity, warmth and kindness to everyone, not just one person.  She needed an intervention, but she didn't listen to those that told her The Beast was bad news.


After weeks of trying to bandage The Beast's hopeless soul, Beauty was entangled in a cloud of undulated happiness, having thought she had succeeded.


But she had failed.  The Beast, like a deer in the headlights of a freight train carrying lead and bullets, put the wall back up.  Beauty ran right into it.  She smacked her face so hard it left her dizzy, spinning, shocked.  For once, her smile faded and the world wasn't so rosey.  The bright hues around the objects in front of her were losing their luster.  What had happened?  Had she failed?  Her world no longer was what she had thought it was.  She, who had devoted her life to bringing joy to herself and ALL those around her, had done the ultimate disgrace to her being and fallen for The Beast, only to be blindsided by his dark heart.


Beauty wandered the forest of emotion that was wracking her body and her being.  Questions filled her head.  Was she not good enough to deserve affection from The Beast?  Why did she care?  Why had she failed to keep her promise to herself to stay true to her mission and not focus solely on one entity?


Beauty was crushed, but refused to let it ruin her.  She refocused her energy on all the positive things life still had to offer.  There were many people out there that still needed smiles.  She knew that The Beast still needed joy in his life, but she was no longer going to let him steal all of her radiance.  She was going to put a band-aid on the part of her heart that he had chipped away at and continue to bring sunshine into a world threatened by so much darkness.  Eventually the world became so enamored of Beauty's mission that the good people at Nobel decided to make a new honor- The Nobel Prize for Good Tidings.  Beauty was the first recipient.  She continues to wear a smile everywhere she goes...


And The Beast?  His tale does not end so pleasantly.  He is fortunate in that he still has a little Beauty in his life, but has since realized that being blackhearted is not what he really wants out of life.  He ventured on a roller coaster of skanks and misery that left him 50, thrice divorced and lonely.  

THE END

No More I Love Yous?

Have you ever thought about the simple phrase, "I love you?"

Parents generally say it to their children, spouses, significant others, partners say it to each other, grandparents and so on.

But why do people STOP saying it? Is there some magic number that some parents feel it is time to stop telling their children? I try to tell my children more than once a day. Affection doesn't come naturally to me, so I had to make it become a habit because I wanted my kids to grow up in a very nurturing environment. I can't recall when my own parents stopped saying it to me, but they did. Am I any worse for it? I don't feel so, but who doesn't like hearing that they are loved?

On the other hand, what about the parents who tell their children they love them all the time, but have funny ways of showing it. Do their words count for more than their actions? As an adult, the awkward feeling of hearing a parent whom you have lost all trust for tell you that they love you, feels almost painful.

And then there are spouses. My husband and I were those crazy gaga people when we first met that thought that love conquered all and that poo smelled more like roses just because we were in love. Well, we've long since passed that phase! The "I love yous" get fewer and more far between with each year that passes. I often listen to the end of people's phone calls to their partners and wait to hear the closing. You can always tell whether it's a new relationship or not by how exuberantly the closing is stated. And it always seems as though you don't hear "I love you" at the end if it's a couple whose been together awhile.

It's a sad state of affairs when people just assume that someone else knows they love them and that it is no longer necessary to say it. And who doesn't like hearing those words? So, as you're kissing your children goodbye or tucking them in at night, or as you're waving to your spouse before work in the morning, perhaps take the time to say "I love you." And if you say it enough, it just might become a habit.