Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I expected better from you because you weren't Monday. But, you have let me down. I am so blue right now.
What am I blue about? Well, I'm glad you ask. I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part. I am blue that I am alone. I am lonely. I am blue and lonely and alone. I have no friends. All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon. I don't even want to talk about it. I just want a big hug. But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old. I don't want to use my kids as snot rags. They need not know my blue-e-ness.
I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago. I'm broke. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I feel no love emanating from myself or from others. I miss feelings. I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything. I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist. I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness.
I miss being happy. I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today! How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!" I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person. I think it was when I was 16. I was the biggest optimist! The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it. People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied. I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.
Now what am I? I am useless. Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so. I'm a good mom, but not a great mom. I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon. But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money. I babysit, but that's no income. I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable. Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel. I just laid there. I didn't want to get dressed. Why? Cause I don't have any comfortable bras. I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it. So I felt depressed. I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one. If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.
I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry. So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity. And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.
God bless to anyone who read this.
Here's a virtual hug from me to you. I've had days like that too and I can totally relate. I hope things get better for you. I truly do.ReplyDelete
Cara, if this is true I feel sad for you and I hope you are able to change things for yourself. Unfortunately, no one else can do that. JanetReplyDelete
@Terra- thanks for the hug! I am feeling much better!ReplyDelete
@Janet- yes, it was true. I have been trying hard to improve things. I am feeling much butter!