No Shirt for You!

I apologize for yet another post about friendship.  This is just something that is really getting under my skin and I have to vent to someone, anyone... which leaves the one or two people who may read this.

I consider myself to be a good friend.  If you are in need, I will give you anything I can to help.  I try to be there whenever someone asks, and unless I can't afford the gas to get there, I drop everything to be there.  I know there are a couple instances I may have borrowed things and not returned them, but I am either still intending to (money) or we stopped being friends and I stopped caring about returning something and ended up passing it along to someone else.

There have been times when I had $20 to my name and spent it buying a friend groceries.  I've helped people move, I've FOUND people places to move!  I've given countless hours of requested advice and kept my mouth shut at times I knew it wasn't my place to say anything.  I've taken a friend's word only to be stabbed in the back, I've trusted people that shouldn't be trusted...

And yet again, I reiterate that I know that I'm not perfect.

But what bothers me is this:  I have a couple friends who have been my friends for years.  I can't get them to answer my texts... I can't get them to respond to me on Facebook unless I post something on their wall.  I don't know why, that's just how it is.  I have people that used to be my friends, but now won't even be my friend on Facebook for something that I can't even remember that I did to upset them.  I know I shouldn't care because they are obviously not real friends, but I do care.  You know those people that you call when you are super upset about something and need a shoulder to cry on?  I don't have one of those.  I wish so badly that I did, but I don't.  I have people that call me and rant or cry for hours and I listen.  *sigh*  I just feel like everyone should have SOMEONE they can turn to for comfort, joy, a laugh, a girls' night out, whatever it may be...

So I don't know if this is a shame on me for whatever I may have done wrong, a shame on me for giving second, third, fiftieth chances and holding out hope that my friends are better than they actually are... or is it actually a shame on them... for being crappy friends?

Thank You for Being a Friend...

Yes, I'm referencing Golden Girls, but no, this has nothing to do with the show... despite it's timeless humor and awesomeness...

You know, I will be the first, second and third to admit that I'm not the greatest friend in the world... I have much room for improvement.  Granted, I am a giving friend- if I have it, it's yours.  I would give my friends the shirt off my back if they asked for it.  And if I ever have money, I wouldn't hesitate to let a friend in need borrow it.

But I always find myself thinking, "who ARE my friends?"  On Facebook, you can now mark people as friends or acquaintances, although I wish there was an option for "complete strangers," but maybe that's in the works.  But there are people that I consider expendable, and I am sure 98% of my Facebook friends feel that way.  When I moved from my hometown to Cedar Rapids, I considered there to be 3 friends that I would truly miss.  Once I moved, I probably only spoke to one of them on any semblance of a basis.  Now that I am closer, out of those 3, I probably will only ever hang out with on of them.  She and I have NOTHING in common on the surface, but deep down we do have things that make us lifelong friends.  And one of the three hasn't responded to my texts in months and blows me off all the time... whatevs.

Then there's the friends in Cedar Rapids.  I have a friend there that I consider to be one of the truest friends I've ever had and it is amazing because so many people tried to tell me that she used me and wasn't a good friend, but I knew otherwise.  I understood the kind of person she was/is and overlooked any flaws, as we should all try to do.  She was nice to me and if I was in pain or having an emotional crisis, she would have been by my side in a heartbeat.  Since I've moved, she's made it clear that she is not gonna give up on me easily.  It is an amazing feeling.  I other friends who I will definitely keep in touch with and I have friends who still think of me and communicate with me when I was sure they would have forgotten my name once I left town... hearing people tell you that they miss you just because they actually do... makes me feel like I may actually have had a positive impact on their lives.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And finally, there are those that I have long since forgotten that when it is clear I am a wreck or bouncing off the walls with anxiety, I will get a random text, a random Facebook message and their concern, friendliness and just outright acknowledgement of my existence stops me in my tracks.  But to this I start feeling a smidge guilty for not checking in on them.

I guess there was no real point to this blog, but I think that sometimes the people that we think are our friends really aren't as good of friends as the people we have shrugged off as acquaintances.  I definitely wish I were a better friend and hopefully some day I can be, but in the meantime, I think I should try a little harder to appreciate those that I have...

There Aren't Enough Things in this House for Me to Break!!!

Egads, sometimes things suck!  Sometimes they suck reaaaaaaaal bad.  (Badly?)  There are two things about myself that I take pride in: my kindness to animals and my kindness to children.  That's about it.  For the most part, aside from that, I don't know why I exist sometimes.  So, if someone were to come at me with opposition to either of those things, I wouldn't know what to do!

Well, today I found out what I'd do... I'd lie on the bathroom floor for an hour, bawl my eyes out and puke because of the migraine it gave me!  Let me preface this situation with a bit of back story.  As you know from following my blog, I have been babysitting for several months now just for a bit o' extra cash while I can't sub.  Anyway, it has been such a rewarding experience!  I have met some great kids and met some great parents as well!  Sure, I've had a couple bad apples here and there, but for the most part it has been a very positive thing in mine and my children's lives.  And one of the plus sides is that I've made two really good friends (maybe I'm making the assumption that they are friends, though, who knows) and it really boosts my deflated ego when parents tell me there kids ask to come back or when a parent comes to pick up their child and they don't want to go.  So, it has all been pretty great... until today.

This is what shocked me the most: the parent involved is someone I've known since high school.  We were kinda friends back then and then rekindled our friendship when I moved in January.  I've been to her house, met her kids, I thought things were hunky dory with us.  She and I couldn't be more different personality-wise, but that's the great thing about friends- diversity is somewhat what brings people together.

Well, because her mom was going to be out of state for a week, she asked if I could babysit.  I said yes and told her she didn't have to pay me or she could pay me whatever she wanted.  I didn't really care because her daughter and my daughter could play and it didn't matter to me to have one more kid around.  Well, fast forward to today and she totally threw me for a loop today after picking her daughter up.  I'm all about kids being happy when they are here because childhoods are meant to enjoy- as adults, it is harder to find things to smile about.  Apparently I am wrong and I suck at life.  Not her words, but I'm interpreting it as such.  I felt like she was telling me that I was a horrible person and the things she said made it clear that the way I parent my own children was not her idea of good.  I know she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me, that's just the way she talks.  She is very straightforward and doesn't sugar coat anything.  Well, I'm very much a wuss and never tell people how I really feel.  Fast forward 20 texts later and I'm lying on the floor in the bathroom with the lights out bawling my eyes out.

I'm not gonna knock on her or put her down cause that's not good for anyone.  Although I disagree with a great many things she said to me, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  I'm not going to argue.  I'll just chalk it up to another lesson learned and the loss of a friend.

I suck at life.

What is a friend?

You know, over the past couple days, I have heard the word "friend" used in several different contexts that have left me questioning what a friend is.  What is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?  What makes someone a true friend and at what point can/should someone be downgraded from a friend?

Dictionary.com defines a friend as: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Urban dictionary defines a friend as: A real friend is someone who:

a) it's okay to fart in front of.

b) you don't mind talking to on the bus for at least 20 minutes.

c) can borrow $5 and never has to pay it back

d) you'll actually call up do stuff.  

Interesting.  So, basically I would sum it up as a friend being someone that is giving, you have affection towards and that you can tolerate being around for lengthy amounts of time.  I like this because I can't stand selfish people and if you have ever had a selfish friend, you can feel my pain.  I have spent my whole life trying to stop being a doormat, but on the inside it infuriates me when I give and give and give and my "friends" don't give back in return.  I'm not talking about material things, I'm talking about favors, friendly gestures, shoulder to cry on, you name it.  

I used to say that it was funny that someone wanted to be my "friend" on Facebook, but when I would see them in public, they would never acknowledge me.  But, do I have affection for all of my Facebook friends?  No, not even close.  Would I give them things if they were in need?  Probably, if I was able to.  And would I spend lengthy amounts of time with them all.... eh, maybe not.

But I think that friends should not stress you out.  They should not fragrantly blow you off or make it clear that on their list of priorities you are not in the top 100.  They should not expect you to be their friend despite the fact that you ...................... (omitted because divorce shouldn't involve public mudslinging.)  

I love the friends that I do have though!  Whether it is a smile on a day that I am completely down, loaning me money when I can't afford toilet paper, watching my kids so that I can see my psychiatrist, recommending that I have a much needed night out when I am ashamed of how ugly my face is or even putting me in my place when I'm being absolutely ridiculous.

Am I expecting too much of a friend?  Do you consider many people to be friends, no matter what they give in return or how much they show you are not needed?

I have a hard time putting forth effort in a friendship when the other person does not.  I can only text so many times, stop by so many times or smile so many times before it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  But the friends that I do have... make my life so much better... and I thank each and every one of them... 
 

One of Those Unwritten Rules

You know how sometimes in etiquette there are unwritten rules about things you just shouldn't say or do?

For instance, you should never ask a lady when she'd due unless you know for a fact that she is actually pregnant. Wait for her to mention it or wait until someone else has told you (that is reputable for telling the truth) that the lady is indeed pregnant. Otherwise, you might be placed in the awkward position of finding out that they are not even pregnant or that they have given birth- six months ago!

Well, I have thought of another one that I think is quite important! As a friend, when your good buddy breaks up with their partner, your immediate reaction is often to talk about what a bum said ex was. For example, if my friend Crystal and her husband split, I might think that it would make her feel better if I told her how much better off she was without him or how much of a bum he was. (Whether I felt that way or not.) We do this because we want our friends to realize that life will go on and that they are a good person and can do better.

BUT, I have never done this and would never do this because it is my experience that over half the time, the people end up getting back together! Then, not only does your friend now feel awkward that you dogged on their man like that, but if she tells him what you said, he will always question your sincerity when you are being friendly.

This works on both sides, too, not just if it's a girl or a guy. As a girl, if I were to find out that when my fella and I split, his best friend was instantly trying to find him tail, then we got back together, I would have lost quite a bit of respect for said friend.

I know, I know, the men reading this (if there are any) would say he had every right to do it, but... I'm not going down that road!

So, this is my warning to all of you that don't follow this unwritten rule of etiquette. Give the relationship a little cooling off time before you jump in on the mudslinging bandwagon. Even if your friend is bashing their ex themselves, it is better not to put in your two cents on the ex until it is pretty obvious there is no hope of the relationship surviving.