I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dear Johnsonville


To you wonderful makers of the world's best brats, I have two key points to make, so please read all the way through.

First and foremost come the compliments! You have perfected the art of the brat in a way that can not be touched. Other brands pale in comparison to the mingling of delightful flavors that you have encapsulated in your meaty links. In fact, just yesterday I was saddened when at a cook out discovered that the brats were not Johnsonville, and as expected, they were uber gross and tasted like roadkill. No amount of saurkraut could redeem them.

Then there are your cheddar brats. How did you know that my motto is "if it's got cheese on it, it's the best food ever!" Meat, cheese, classic combination. Ever since I was introduced to cheddar brats in my youth, I have vowed to make them a staple in my diet as an adult. Grilled to perfection, the juicy cheese flavor explodes in my mouth and causes a slight dairy high in my senses.

BUT

This is where the unsettling part comes in. A week ago, someone near and dear to me was accosted and injured by said cheddar brats. One of my favorite relations (whose anonymity I must protect) was egregiously injured while eating a cheddar brat. This man, who has been a master of the grill for decades had chosen to prepare your scrumptious chedbrats on his grill. He allowed them to cool and sit on the table before taking a bite. He was shocked when a slew of hot steamy cheese shot onto the side of his face. He recoiled in pain and wiped it off, commenting on how painful it was. Upon finishing his dinner, he looked in the mirror and realized he had a big chunk of skin missing from his face. A week later, he has a VERY visible wound and is a bit traumatized by what happened. Will he ever eat your cheddar brats again, I don't know. I will, but will be very careful when eating them as I do not want my face marred as well!

In closing, thank you again for your fine products and perhaps you should start a campaign to warn people of the ramifications of hot cheese.

Sincerely,

hamsterkitten

12 comments:

  1. OMG! I bet it will be a LONG time before he eats one. I can't believe they don't already have a watning on their packaging.

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  2. We find danger everywhere, even in a Brat... I'm a safer, more cautious person today because of your letter... I'll not forego cheese Brats but will always approach them with caution..

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  3. That is why I break mine in half when I put them in the bun. I am very afraid of this happening to me. Mmmmm cheese.

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  4. I looked on the package and I didn't see anywhere that it warned about being potentially harmful if hot. I'm glad if I could save just a couple faces with this post, lol.

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  5. I see a new Johnsonville Brats Commercial in the works ;)

    --James http://ccb-radio.blogspot.com/

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  6. CrazyCatLadie aka SarahMay 11, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    OMG, what a scary story to know something so delicious could also burn off flesh. There should be a warning

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  7. Lord Love a Duck, but that had to hurt like hell...zouch!

    However, I shall not let his misfortune deter me from the goodness that is Johnsonville Brats...

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  8. Ha! Best post in a while. I couldn't agree more with your paean to Johnsonville.

    BTW, the best thing? Cook bacon on the grill and then wrap it around your beer-brat. It's the effin' trifecta.

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  9. I'm glad that everyone is still on the brats bandwagon! Us carnivores have to stick together! And maybe they should make me the new spokesperson for Cheddar Brats and how to eat one without getting injured.

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  10. This was so funny! they need a warning label attached for possible exploding cheese burns LoL!
    Lori Barnes-(photoquest)

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  11. Lori- this is what I'm saying! I looked at that package from back to front- no warning!

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  12. OMG that sound scary. I don't think I can eat one of these again.

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