I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The 7 Stages of Grief

My husband asked me last night what the seven stages of grief were. His family is going through sad times and it feels like the stages are blurring together. So, I thought I would share the stages with my readers, in case you were unaware of them. It is always good to learn new things! The seven stages are:

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.


  1. Oh, my. I'll bet there are some extra stages when the situation is a tragic and confusing as yours. My condolences to all of you.

  2. Thanks for this. It was just what I needed to read today.

  3. You and your family are in my prayers.

  4. Wishing your husband and his family peace and holding all of you in my heart. I like these 7 stages better than the 5 stage model from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Still, grief is a roller coaster and it seems there's no straight path through the stages...It's just one day at a time and one foot in front of the other.

  5. Thank you all for the nice sentiments. One day at a time...