I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Things I Miss About Not Being Fat

So here's my weight fluctuations in nut shell.  Up until around 9th grade I would say I was "large framed," but not really fat.  I didn't have a gut or anything, but I was by no means skinny.  I accepted it and was oblivious to the idea I may have been judged for my weight.  (Although in 8th grade I did have a boy in my class say something quite mean to me and awkwardly his dad brought him to my house to apologize for it because he got sent to the principal's office.  Thank God I wasn't home and my dad took the message.)

Then my metabolism kicked in and I started losing weight up until my senior year.  Of course I felt like I could always be thinner, but I didn't need to be.  And of course my parents thought I had an eating disorder (probably still do to this day) but I surely did not!  So, my psychiatrist at the time put me on Paxil, which he failed to mention makes you turn into a cow in a short amount of time.  (I still think he conspired with my parents to do this.)  Anyway, for the next 10 years I was in a state of depression that I had no willpower or ambition to get out of.  Then, I got on a good antidepressant, felt good about life again, started exercising for funsies and bam- weight started melting off!

I felt sooooo good about myself.  I had confidence, I liked wearing cute clothes and I was pretty well content with my looks.  Then I got on the Mirena... and that demon spawn device from the bowels of hell did a number on my body... I felt 8 months pregnant all the time.  And then I got it out... long story short, I AM pregnant (only 6 months, not 8) and I'm super chunk again.

But here's where the things I don't miss come in.  You really do notice how people react when you're fat versus not-fat.  Seriously.  There's certain looks that people give you that border on disgust and revulsion.  They don't want to look you in the eye, they act like you're a leech on society.  And I feel like if I ever go through a drive thru I have to wear a disguise because I know they are thinking I don't need to be there.  And going to the doctor makes me cringe.  Nurses can be so judgmental!  (not all of them, but most it seems.)  AND doctors!  And they act like you do nothing but eat chili fries with a tub of mayonnaise on them all day every day.  It is awful.  And anytime anyone is mean to you for any reason, you always ask yourself, "is it because I'm fat?"

But when you're not fat, you can walk the earth freely without dirty glares, whispers and glances.  People smile at you, they hold doors for you, they don't secretly hope you get hit by a bus because they are burdened by your existence in their non-fat world.  So hopefully after I pop this kid out I can go back to being not-fat.  After knowing what the world is like without being judged, I don't know if I can handle it if I don't lose weight.

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