I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Technology Equals Baking Soda

Take that, You Scoundrels!
Yes, it's true.  Baking soda puts out small fires and Technology puts out small friendships.  They've been talking for years now about the percentage of marriages that end due to Facebook.  Well, what is on my mind today and of late is that I wonder how many friendships have ended due to technology in general.  Here's my theories on the what and why:

Facebook:  Let's go ahead and start with the big one first.  Ah, yes... Facebook has caused people to murder each other (for reals, look it up!), couples to divorce, affairs to be had, houses to be burglarized-- all stemming from a website that is meant to reunite friends and make new ones.  But it can also lead to non-psychotic splits of friends and "friends."  For instance, there's the check-in.  Here are random thoughts than can be had from a dissed friend due to check-ins.

"She's at dinner with Laquesha when she told me she was too sick to hang out with me??? That $#!%@!!" or "Oh, so Rodunda, Laquesha, Badoo and Svetlana decided to do dinner and karaoke and none of them invited me?  Is my phone off- NOPE.  Those $#!%@es!!"

Then there's the Ooooh, so you ARE alive moment.  You have not received a text back for days, which has left you a sobbing mess, lying in a corner in the fetal position because you are so worried that your friend has died.  But there is no rejoicing to find they are well... because they are happy and well... and don't want to let you know.

Then there's the dreaded Status Update.  Whoa, $#!%@, whoa!!!  Was that post about me??  Did she really just put that out there and think I wouldn't know it was about me??  Imma bout to go all passive aggressive on her a$$ too!

Cell Phones:  There are three friendship killers that can be caused by cell phones.  They are:

1)  Crickets Chirping... remember that time I texted you and you never responded?  Oh, you didn't get that text?  Did I mention I mailed you a check for $1000?  What, you didn't get it?  Hmm, the post office must have lost it.  Does this sound like Grade A Horse Hockey?  Good, cause it is.  I'm not buying into your lack of response.  At least text me with some lie about why you can't text and then just inconveniently forget to text me back.  That's also lame, but a little more acceptable.

2)  Dangling Chads...  Hey, Boo, remember when I was lonely and/or upset and I texted you and you responded like twice and then the crickets started chirping?  I remember cause it happens like everytime I text you!!  At least have the courtesy to LOL kill the conversation so that I know I'm getting blown off, but not snubby like.

3)  No Text Tina... Do you have a friend that doesn't text?  Don't.  Stop being their friends RIGHT NOW, cause that is just creepy.  Who wants friends that don't text??  And no, they can't call instead!!!  What is this, 2009???  F that noise!

4)  Rikki Don't Lose That Number... Sooooooo, we're friends, right?  Oh, we're not??  I should have taken the hint when you never F#$%ing text me!  Hello, just a *poke* would be nice in awhile.  Why should I have to be the only one that texts????  I'm not needy... do I seem needy?  Okay, maybe a little needy... but whatever, who needs you anyway??

So what does this all mean?  I'll tell you what it means... if you have any friends that fall into these categories more often than not, they are small friends.  That means, you probably think more of them than they think of you.  Wait, Hammy, what if they are just busy...  ooooooh, my poor, poor, deluded reader... if they have time to go potty, they have time to text a hi once in awhile.  If they have time to eat, drink or breathe, they have time to respond to your text with an LOL or a Hey, I'm ALIVE!

But if you have friends that don't commit these egregious acts on a regular basis, consider yourself lucky to have them!  Good friends are hard to come by these days!  And what do you do if you have a friend that falls into the small and questionable category??  NOTHING!!!  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!  If you unfriend them on Facebook, you could get murdered!  They might spread malicious rumors about you or... *gulp*... avert their eyes when they pass you in Walmart!! 

Just look in the mirror and tell yourself, "Hey, I have a mirror."

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