I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hell Hath No Fury Like This Lady Without Her Meds!!!

So I need to vent.  As you should all know if you follow my blog, I'm bipolar.  Well, I have been without one of my meds for almost two weeks.  Here is why:

When I moved from my last town in August, I had several months worth of pills left.  Well, thinking it would be a quick and painless transition, about 3-4 weeks ago, I tried to set up an appt with a local psychiatrist to get my meds refilled.  Well, apparently their office only accepts appointments with a referral.  Having my old doctor fax my information to my new doctor was considered a referral, but apparently this process is taking a long time and a lot of pointing fingers in the delay, but I can't make an appt. until the information is received by the new doctor.

In the meantime, I've been out of one of my medications.  You are often warned about the side effects of quitting psychotropic drugs cold turkey, so I decided to make an appointment with a general practice doctor in the same building.  So, I got in today.... and that doctor... wow.  I've never wanted to walk out of an office in my life and it took all my willpower not to!  She was super rude, wouldn't make eye contact and didn't understand why I couldn't wait for an appt with the psychiatrist.  She just kept asking if I was suicidal.  I really wanted to tell her that I'm homicidal, but she didn't seem like the type of person who gets sarcasm or jokes of any kind.  Long story short, she lectured me, told me she wasn't comfortable with it and told me I should try to make an appt with the psychiatrist.

Well, let me tell you.  At this moment, I hate everyone and everything.  I've felt this way since like two days after my meds ran out.  I could literally give a 5-10 minute speech on why I hate every person I know (except my kids.)  Do I actually hate them?  I don't think so... maybe one or two... but at this point in time, I want to stab them all from their left eyebrow to the dimples in their knee caps.  I get mad at the TV, I get mad at the wind.  I'm in a constant state of rage and it makes me pity those around me.  Add to this that I can't sleep and when I do I am having vivid dreams of pointless things.  I wake up 80 times a night and give up around 6am when I don't have to be up until 8.

So, no DOCTOR, I am not SUICIDAL, but how about you take your cracker jack box degree back to where you came from (she's new to the clinic) and learn something called empathy... and tact... and being around other human beings.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Toddler from H-E- Double Hockey Sticks

My son...


He has been going through a loooooooooong phase- we are talking like 8 months or so long- where he cries over EVERYTHING.  You tell him no, he cries.  You tell him it's dinner time, he cries.   You ask him to put his shoes on, he cries.  Well, I've gotten to the point where the crying doesn't bother me.  First I tried putting him in time out because we all knew it was crocodile tears.  Then I tried sending him to his room until he was done crying.  I didn't get mad, I would calmly tell him to go into his room and he could come out when he was done crying.  So, of course this resulted in him coming out two seconds later because he had turned off the waterworks just as easily as he turned them on.

Figuring that it is a phase, I have just kind of accepted it and try to ignore it because I know that he is trying to get attention.

Well, instead of letting that phase die out, he has decided to escalate it- to ear piercing screams.  He intertwines these screams with his usual crying, but throws some even louder sobs in.  And of course, it's still over the same little things.  He smacks his sister in the face, he gets caught, he cries (and screams).  He gets caught jumping on the couch... you get the picture.  So, to his room he goes where he has now decided to start kicking the walls and throwing things during his tantrums.  As much as I would like to go in and knock his block off, I just ignore it.  I know he is trying to get attention out of it, but I refuse to give in.  And believe me, it is HARD.  He is a mama's boy, so when he has legitimate reasons to cry, it breaks my heart... but when he throws these crying/screaming tantrums, I just think, "what am I doing wrong?"  Where have I gone wrong in my parenting that he has decided to take this route when he's upset.  My daughter never went through this phase. 

I'm at my wits end... do I invest in earplugs or try to take him back to WalMart... any advice??

Monday, November 14, 2011

No Shirt for You!

I apologize for yet another post about friendship.  This is just something that is really getting under my skin and I have to vent to someone, anyone... which leaves the one or two people who may read this.

I consider myself to be a good friend.  If you are in need, I will give you anything I can to help.  I try to be there whenever someone asks, and unless I can't afford the gas to get there, I drop everything to be there.  I know there are a couple instances I may have borrowed things and not returned them, but I am either still intending to (money) or we stopped being friends and I stopped caring about returning something and ended up passing it along to someone else.

There have been times when I had $20 to my name and spent it buying a friend groceries.  I've helped people move, I've FOUND people places to move!  I've given countless hours of requested advice and kept my mouth shut at times I knew it wasn't my place to say anything.  I've taken a friend's word only to be stabbed in the back, I've trusted people that shouldn't be trusted...

And yet again, I reiterate that I know that I'm not perfect.

But what bothers me is this:  I have a couple friends who have been my friends for years.  I can't get them to answer my texts... I can't get them to respond to me on Facebook unless I post something on their wall.  I don't know why, that's just how it is.  I have people that used to be my friends, but now won't even be my friend on Facebook for something that I can't even remember that I did to upset them.  I know I shouldn't care because they are obviously not real friends, but I do care.  You know those people that you call when you are super upset about something and need a shoulder to cry on?  I don't have one of those.  I wish so badly that I did, but I don't.  I have people that call me and rant or cry for hours and I listen.  *sigh*  I just feel like everyone should have SOMEONE they can turn to for comfort, joy, a laugh, a girls' night out, whatever it may be...

So I don't know if this is a shame on me for whatever I may have done wrong, a shame on me for giving second, third, fiftieth chances and holding out hope that my friends are better than they actually are... or is it actually a shame on them... for being crappy friends?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Great Christmas Debate

So yesterday David and I find ourselves talking about Santa and gift giving.  I don't really like the idea of promoting the idea of Santa because it is not what Christmas is about.  But, I don't want my kids to feel like they aren't normal and not give them gifts, so I have told them that they get gifts because Jesus isn't around to give birthday gifts to, so they get gifts instead.  Yes, it may sound weird, but I just want them to know that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, not some guy in a red suit giving out presents.

But, my goal to not get them into Santa quickly faded when my daughter was 2 and everyone (including my then in-laws) felt the need to talk about Santa all the time to them around the holidays.  What did you ask Santa for?  Have you been good so Santa can bring you presents?  Blah, blah.  So, I just let everyone else do the Santa talking and I just never mention him.  I don't put "from Santa" on their gifts, they are just there.

So the debate is that David was raised that once the tree was up, gifts would start getting put under the tree from mom and dad and they would stay there until Christmas morning when they would be opened.  However, "Santa" would bring one BIG gift on Christmas Eve night and they would be surprised at what it was in the morning when they woke up.  Then they took turns opening everything.

What my family did was on Christmas Eve, mom and dad gave us a gift from them, then when we woke up Christmas morning, we were excited to see all these presents under the tree that were not there before.  The only things under the tree before Christmas day were gifts from relatives or the siblings to each other.  Then, we took turns opening everything.

So, we have the agreement on taking turns opening things.  But, I like the way my family did it better and he likes the way his family did it better.  There is no right or wrong, but if you know me, you know I like getting my way... which I probably will... but I'd like to hear any suggestions on ways to combine both traditions or what your family might have done differently!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Let Me Explain My Butt

For years, I've been overweight... some years... borderline Hindenburg. 

But what I hate most is ... my butt!  (Or my rear end for those of you who find that word offensive.)

I have often compared it to one "person" and one person only: the penguin in Batman Returns.  Remember how Danny Devito looked in that pantyhose material stuffed with filling?  He had this really weird shaped body, but if you specifically remember what it looked like when he was in his lair underground and didn't really wear much in terms of clothing and it seemed like he had flesh colored spandex pants... yeah, that's what my tush looks like!

I don't even know what shape you would call it!  Square?  Whatever it is, I hate it.  Last year I lost 45 pounds (don't get excited for me, I've pretty much gained it back) and guess what- my butt was still a square!!

What is the deal???  I hate it!  I don't think I'd opt for a flat hind end, but seriously... what kind of cruel joke is God playing on me when my butt can only be described as that of the penguin from Batman?


Monday, November 7, 2011

A Case of the Blahs

I don't know what my deal is lately- I don't think that it is because winter is coming and people get that seasonal depression thing because the weather has actually been unseasonably nice here and I do love the holidays, so I have that to look forward to.

But lately, I just feel so blah.  I love my job, but I don't feel like going to work because it seems mundane.  I do go, but I feel like I'm boring my students and sometimes when I talk about whatever subject we're on a little voice pops into my head saying, "geez, I can't even focus on what you're saying it's so boring!"

Then there's my blog.  I have a whole bunch of things I could be blogging about, topics floating around in my head, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't think I'd have the zip and zest in my writing that I feel like I should.

I usually post status updates on Facebook a couple times a day... but lately I've gone days without.... it's blah.  I don't have anything witty or interesting to tell the world.  I'm blah.

Nothing seems exciting, every day is just like the last... I'm not in the least trying to say I have a crappy life- quite the opposite, things are going so well in my favor that I should really take the time to sit back and enjoy it!  But I can't... cause I'm blah.