I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Thursday, March 28, 2024

The Grief Monster Comes for Us All

 I experienced a lot of funerals as a kid.  I can't put a number on it, but I remember going to quite a few.  My parents weren't old, but they had me in their mid-thirties and they had some family members that were on the older side and it just seemed like people were always dying.  My paternal grandfather died before I was born and then my step-grandfather died when I was like six.  Great grandparents went as an adolescent and grandparents were gone in my teens, with my last one passing in my early twenties.  Then I was exposed to tragedies like a middle school nurse dying in a car wreck, a friend in high school committing suicide, a friend in my late twenties committing suicide... I think that the way I learned to handle it was by just reminding myself that death was part of life and never thinking about the people again.

Sounds easy, right?  Of course it's not possible, we know this.  Some are easier to forget than others.  Some you never forget.  Some remain burned into your memories and haunt you at the most inopportune times.  Then comes the big death- the death of a parent.  I have not experienced the death of a child, and I hope never to have to.  I have a friend that I have recently seen experience this and I can't even fathom her pain.  But in my case, I finally experienced the death of a parent.   One of my best friends lost both of her parents at a young age and she was very close to them.  I went to the funerals and I have seen how hard it has been on her.  But I didn't think it would be like that for me because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my parent.  

But then when my dad started to get sick, one of my therapists worried because she said that people with borderline personality disorder experience loss differently if we have unresolved trauma.  She told my husband that I was going to take it hard.  I told myself that she didn't know me as well as she thought because I would accept it like I did every other death in my life.  Okay, so maybe I was wrong, and maybe she was right.  My sister-in-law once told me that I should have a "come to Jesus" moment with my dad and tell him how I felt about how I was raised.  I disagreed.  I thought it would put an undue strain on our already strained relationship.  Why say unkind things to each other when we clearly are two different people who think completely different things?  Those would leave memories that could never be taken back.  She said if he died having never unburdened myself I'd regret it.  I'm glad I didn't listen to her.  Like I thought, I would never have wanted my dad to have died knowing that I felt the way that I did.  Instead, the last memory I want him to have of me is the text I sent him telling him that I loved him.

What will I have?  Grief.  But just like with all those funerals I went to as a child, I'm trying to tell myself that death is a part of life.  But then it raises questions about my own mortality that I don't want to think about.  And that's a topic for a whole 'nother blog- or therapy session.

(See, I told you I'd make another post!)

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Wow, it's 2024?! (Musings on my "brand.")

 Where has the time gone?  I haven't blogged in almost a year.  I've decided to blog now because I'm currently taking a grad class about personal branding and although I am clearly not active with blogging, I'm trying to decide what direction is most important to go with my "brand."  I don't aim to make money with it... that's a pipedream that has long since been burst.  But I feel as though I get the most genuine response from followers when I discuss mental health.  Of course my favorite thing to do is use humor to lighten the mood.

I think about some of the blogs that I used to follow the authors and keep in touch with them.  Some have divorced, their children have moved on... but they haven't updated their blogs in years.  I don't keep in touch with them anymore.  I think about all the people that got famous doing the unboxing videos.  I never wanted to do that with my kids, despite their constant proclamations that they were going to grow up to be YouTube stars.  And what about TikTok?  Nope, haven't gotten on board with that.  Don't plan to either.  I have started throwing some YouTube shorts up.  Many of them are recycled Instagram reels, though, lol.  

So what is my "brand" right now?  If you're interested, I still post quite a bit on Facebook and Instagram.  It's mostly humor, mental health (mainly borderline, ptsd, and bipolar), animal videos (I love my squirrels) and occasional trending stuff.

I promise to post an update about my life and those in it very soon just in case there's that one person reading this that has been on pins and needles wondering what's been going on.  I can't make any promises to post more than that because I don't believe in setting myself up for failure.

This is what I've got for now.  Stay tuned...

Oh, and if you're new- I've got a lot of great older content!