I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day to the Non-Biological Fathers!

You know, they say that blood is thicker than water.  But, I'd like to add that love is sometimes thicker than blood.  In these days of "broken" families, step parents, foster parents, absent parents, etc., the meaning of "father" has changed.  I believe that the meaning should include any man who loves a child like their own, respects them, cares for them and does right by them.  I think the words "deadbeat dad" are getting all too common in society today.  Why are those dads to be honored because they made babies, but the men who are raising their children are not technically fathers?

Today I am reminded of several types of fathers.  I have a friend that is a father, but not allowed to see his children for father's day because his ex is mad at him.  Yet he's a father, why does he not deserve to be honored.  My boyfriend David has no biological children, yet for the past 5 months, he has provided for my children in ways their own father has not.  He loves my children as if they were his own and I believe that the more love a child gets, the better they can be as adults.  David sacrificed living on an income only having to support one to trying to support FOUR.  He is constantly wanting to do better.  He nurtures them and cares for them and in return they love and adore him.  Is he their father?  Not biologically.  Is he a father? YES.

So on this day I think we should honor FATHERS.  Men who do right by their children and men who do right by the children in their lives.  It is easy to become a father, but it is much harder to BE a father- and those that are willing to try are to be commended!

And I'd also like to honor my own father.  He was the kind of dad that changed diapers, bathed us, tucked us in at night, prepared dinner every night AFTER working all day.  When I had my tonsils out, my dad was there.  When I broke my first bone, my dad was there.  When I got my first stitches my dad was there.  When I was giving birth to my first child, both my parents were there, but it was my dad who paced with worry hearing me screaming down the hall.  He has been a phenomenal grandparent to my children and it is clear that he adores them.  Although we have views that are about as opposite as they may come, I think my dad raised me to take pride in what I do, work hard and become someone that others can admire.  He has also shown me that you can accomplish any goal at any age.  And then there's all the money he's loaned me that I have and haven't paid back.  Thank you, dad!  I love you.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm Such a Fool!

I'm so mad at myself!

I have been having so many problems with my ex and he has been doing nothing but try to make my life hell.  I have been trying to take the high road through this whole thing and it gets me nowhere but lying in the fetal position bawling my eyes out!!!

When I moved to the town I live in now I had been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 months.  I dealt with phone calls from my ex when I first moved where I got screamed at and cussed out for hours at a time.  I received texts telling me to "get my boyfriend's dick outta my mouth and answer the g**damn phone."  I put up with so much and after several months of dating when I decided it was okay for my boyfriend to meet my kids, my ex FLIPPED!  He was irate and made things even more hellacious for me.

Well, through all the times I've tried to be the better person and despite him treating me so badly and trying to screw me over at every turn while giving me NOTHING for child support, I still let him convince me that we were going to get along and be good for the kids.

So, get this:  he hasn't seen  the kids for 6 weeks because he "didn't have gas money."  And he finally gets them back yesterday because I felt bad that it was father's day weekend.  He told me he'd keep the kids on their normal schedule which involves them going to bed at 8pm.  I asked him to have them call me every night at bedtime so I could talk to them.  Last night it was 8:45p and he said he'd get them on the schedule today.  So, tonight they called me at 9:15p.  They were outside catching fireflies at his girlfriend's house where they were spending the night.  He hasn't seen his kids for 6 weeks and has been seeing her for like a month and decided the second night he had them back they should spend the night at her house.  UGH! 

I'm so tired of letting my guard down and trusting him only to have him F me over!  And I've asked him to get my permission to take them out of state.  She lives in another state and he didn't ask me or give me a heads up.

I know this makes me sound bitter, but when you've been treated the way I have only to have him be hypocritical, it is rough.

Like someone told me today, though, "the cream rises to the top."

I'm gonna try to breathe through it... one day at a time.

Literary Thursday: "Happy the Man" by John Dryden

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call today his own:
He who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.
Be fair or foul or rain or shine
The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself upon the past has power,
But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday Blues

Oh, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.  I expected better from you because you weren't Monday.  But, you have let me down.  I am so blue right now.

What am I blue about?  Well, I'm glad you ask.  I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part.  I am blue that I am alone.  I am lonely.  I am blue and lonely and alone.  I have no friends.  All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I just want a big hug.  But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old.  I don't want to use my kids as snot rags.  They need not know my blue-e-ness.

I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago.  I'm broke.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  I feel no love emanating from myself or from others.  I miss feelings.  I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything.  I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist.  I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness. 

I miss being happy.  I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today!  How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!"   I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person.  I think it was when I was 16.  I was the biggest optimist!  The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it.  People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied.  I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.

Now what am I?  I am useless.  Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so.  I'm a good mom, but not a great mom.  I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon.  But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money.  I babysit, but that's no income.  I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable.  Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel.  I just laid there.  I didn't want to get dressed.  Why?  Cause I don't have any comfortable bras.  I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it.  So I felt depressed.  I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one.  If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.

I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry.  So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity.  And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.

God bless to anyone who read this.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Rude Ebay Lady!

I thought I'd share this recent conversation between myself and this super rude ebay seller:

Dear mixon.danielle,

I received the shirt today. And although I appreciate the fast shipping, the shirt is NOT a woman's size large! It's either a girls or it was a juniors and was shrunk. Either way, I believe it was misrepresented AND it absolutely reeks of cigarette smoke.

I would like a refund as I can not wear this and I will have to throw it away because of the smell.

- xxxxxxxxxxxhamsters

Her response:
Dear xxxxxxxxxhamsters,

i am 'very sorry'yr not happy/satisfied.its not misrepresented if you read the descriptionit states juniors/ladies "and thats exactly" wat it is. when i bought/wore it i weighed 140 lbs.it is defeinately """not""" a girls!!! and do you not no/relaize when something is bought new then worn/washed/dried it normally does shrink some-"true"??or not??far as smoke smell,,a wash in the washmachine will remove thatm & we hav """alot""" of our items state ""not-smoke-free"""" but the smell comrs right out if you wash it in alil "tide"far as the sz it was listed as jrs.maybe yr juz too big to wear it??? i dont no!! well im sorry.why is it fair/right to a full refund when it states plainly jrs/ladies??and we state no refunds/please dont bid if yr gonna bid/win/then complain.and if yr a small built/framed lady then it should fit ya!!! thanks

- mixon.danielle
My reaction:
Okay, she got me.  I'm an idiot.  What was I thinking?  I mean, I've clearly been pwned by her expertise as an ebay professional.   I especially loved her use of quotations in "very sorry"... I felt the sincerity in it for sure!   And as per my non-confrontational and gutless personality, I did not respond.  I just left her negative feedback.  Cause that's how I roll.  And I threw the shirt away.  FAIL.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Tuesday Rant

Okay, so since starting on my Lamictal (shout out to GlaxoSmithKline), my rant sessions have been few and far between.  In fact, despite my wanting to rant right now, I feel pretty calm... and pretty dang tired, but I blame that on my friend's cats that are temporarily bunking with me and my boyfriend's nephew waking up 30 times last night.  Anywho, onto my rant:

First, the heat.  What... in... the... freak?  I mean, 100 degrees and humid??  Are you kidding me???  I don't mind the warm weather, but the humidity makes me want to take a sledge hammer and pound some skulls.  I'd eventually like to move to Maine, I think, but I'm thinking it is humid there as well.  Although the Atlantic Ocean is quite chilly, sooooo... I have wanderlust, boo.

Second part of my rant will not involve names.  I just find it humorous that I received a voicemail the other day (ON MY PHONE) where I was told that said person was trying to get a hold of me all weekend, but since I had blocked them on Facebook, it was not possible.  Okay, let me get this right... you are able to call my phone, but you can't get a hold of me any other way than Facebook??  And I was informed that if I unblock them, they can get in touch with me... *smacking forehead* Oy vey! 

Third rant:  why can't people just do what I want when I want and not be upset about it?

Well, that's my rant for today.  I'm always here to listen to your complaints... or pretend I did and nod in agreement.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Big Boys Don't Cry?

This is me at my wit's end...

My 3 year old son cries over everything... no, really, EVERYTHING!  It is starting to make me a little crazy, and I've tried so many things to get him to not do this.  He will cry because you tell him no, he will cry because someone turns the channel on the tv, he will cry because he ran out of toilet paper.  He cries over everything.  Now, I believe it's okay to cry for certain reasons and I understand that he is a child, so I cut him a little slack.  If he gets hurt, if his favorite toy breaks, I get it, go ahead and cry, Son.  But no exaggeration, I would say he cries at least twenty times a day!

And this is a mixture of just throwing his head back and wailing and the occasional real tears.  But if you distract him, two seconds later he will be laughing and smiling.

So what's a mom to do?  (Other than get a Xanax prescription.)  I've scoured the interweb for ideas and solutions with no success.  I've tried ignoring it and going on with life as usual.  I've tried sending him to his room every time and telling him he can't come out until he's done crying.  I've tried timeout.  The one thing I haven't done is give in and give him what he's crying about.

An example:  I am cleaning the living room and he comes up and tells me he wants candy.  Now, my kids get candy maybe once a week, so the likelihood I'm just going to give him random candy is as rare as seeing an albino rhinoceros in Central Park.  So I will simply say, "no, you're not getting candy" and bam!- the crying starts.  There's occasionally throwing himself on the floor crying, hitting things, throwing things, full blown tantrums.

When will it end?  What can I do?  It's been going on for at least three months and since I am the one around him 98% of the time, I know it's not because someone else in his life is giving into him.  It embarrasses me when people come over and see him do this or when I am babysitting kids younger than him and they ask why L is crying. 

Someone attempted to tell me that it's because I didn't let him cry it out as a baby.  I really don't think that's the case.  I didn't let my daughter cry it out and her only issue is a bad attitude.

I'm at a loss.  This is one conundrum that has me pulling my hair out and banging my head on the wall.  I am willing to try anything at this point short of shock therapy.  Help!