Tuesday Blues

Oh, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.  I expected better from you because you weren't Monday.  But, you have let me down.  I am so blue right now.

What am I blue about?  Well, I'm glad you ask.  I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part.  I am blue that I am alone.  I am lonely.  I am blue and lonely and alone.  I have no friends.  All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I just want a big hug.  But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old.  I don't want to use my kids as snot rags.  They need not know my blue-e-ness.

I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago.  I'm broke.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  I feel no love emanating from myself or from others.  I miss feelings.  I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything.  I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist.  I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness. 

I miss being happy.  I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today!  How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!"   I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person.  I think it was when I was 16.  I was the biggest optimist!  The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it.  People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied.  I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.

Now what am I?  I am useless.  Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so.  I'm a good mom, but not a great mom.  I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon.  But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money.  I babysit, but that's no income.  I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable.  Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel.  I just laid there.  I didn't want to get dressed.  Why?  Cause I don't have any comfortable bras.  I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it.  So I felt depressed.  I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one.  If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.

I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry.  So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity.  And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.

God bless to anyone who read this.