I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

A Hero’s Journey, But It’s Just Me Getting Out of Bed


There are days when getting out of bed feels like climbing Mount Everest.

Not literally — no frostbitten fingers, no oxygen tanks, no Sherpa watching me cry because my sock seam feels “wrong.” But emotionally? It’s the same mountain. And the worst part? I can see the summit. It’s right there. The summit is: Stand up. Walk downstairs. And yet my brain acts like I’m gearing up for a National Geographic documentary.

People say things like “Just put your feet on the floor!” with the same confidence of someone telling you the secret to losing weight is “Just eat less.” If it were that easy, Karen, I wouldn’t be lying here calculating whether I have the energy to blink.

I wish I could be one of those people who wakes up, stretches, springs out of bed, and decides it’s a great day to go for a jog or scrub baseboards or alphabetize the spice rack.

Meanwhile I’m over here negotiating with myself like:

“If you get up now, you can sit on the couch instead.”

“If you walk to the kitchen, you don’t even have to cook — just vibe in front of the fridge like a sad little goblin.”

“If you check the mailbox, there’s a 1% chance it’s not bad news.”

There’s this invisible weight that sits on my chest some mornings — the kind of heavy that isn’t dramatic enough to write about in a medical journal but is absolutely heavy enough to keep me from standing up. It’s not laziness. It’s not lack of motivation. It’s not “needing a better morning routine” (thanks, reels).

It’s mental illness.

It’s exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix.

It’s depression creeping in like a fog machine at a middle-school dance.

It’s anxiety whispering, “Don’t move, something might go wrong.”

It’s trauma saying, “You’re safer here.”

And yet — I still want to be the person who can just will themselves into action. I want to be the person who throws on shoes and checks the mailbox without giving themselves an internal TED Talk about perseverance. I want to be the person whose brain doesn’t turn a simple task into a death-defying expedition.

But here’s the thing I’m slowly learning:

Getting out of bed is climbing Mount Everest for some of us.

That doesn’t make us weak.

It just means we’re hiking a different mountain.

And on the days I finally swing my legs over the edge of the mattress, stand up, and take even five steps?

That’s my summit. That’s my flag at the top. That’s my “Hey, look, Ma, I made it!”

Some people climb Everest for bragging rights.

Some of us climb it just to get to the couch.

Both are victories.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday Blues

Oh, Tuesday.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.  I expected better from you because you weren't Monday.  But, you have let me down.  I am so blue right now.

What am I blue about?  Well, I'm glad you ask.  I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part.  I am blue that I am alone.  I am lonely.  I am blue and lonely and alone.  I have no friends.  All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I just want a big hug.  But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old.  I don't want to use my kids as snot rags.  They need not know my blue-e-ness.

I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago.  I'm broke.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  I feel no love emanating from myself or from others.  I miss feelings.  I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything.  I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist.  I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness. 

I miss being happy.  I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today!  How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!"   I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person.  I think it was when I was 16.  I was the biggest optimist!  The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it.  People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied.  I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.

Now what am I?  I am useless.  Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so.  I'm a good mom, but not a great mom.  I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon.  But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money.  I babysit, but that's no income.  I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable.  Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel.  I just laid there.  I didn't want to get dressed.  Why?  Cause I don't have any comfortable bras.  I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it.  So I felt depressed.  I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one.  If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.

I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry.  So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity.  And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.

God bless to anyone who read this.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Finding Joy in the Little Things

You know, I've often asked myself over the last few months: why am I not depressed? Should I be bawling my eyes out on a regular basis? But, I'm not. And it's because I'm a "make lemons outta lemonade" kinda gal. I take pleasure in the little things.

Case in point: today, I was getting kinda stressed because the kids were being uber clingy and I was trying to write a school paper. So, after finishing the paper, I rewarded myself with vacuuming and doing laundry (insert me laughing hysterically here). While I was vacuuming, I thought to myself, "self, this has to be one of the best sounds in the world- the plink plink of the vacuum picking up dirt off the floor." And indeed, it is! How often do you get to experience the SOUND of something being cleaned? I love it!

And there it was, me thinking about how I enjoy the little things in life and that is what gets me through the day and the hard times. I have a positive outlook on life that I wish I could share with the world. But, alas I can't. I can only tell you how I feel and hope that you can find your plink plink sounds as well!