I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Monday, November 26, 2012

A Little Ditty About BPD

As many of my loyal followers know (I'm sure there are sooooo many of you- haha), I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.  Well anyway, I think most people know what bipolar disorder (BD) is to some extent, but I don't think as many people are aware of what borderline personality disorder (BPD) really is.

I found this interesting article through some social media circles I follow and I wanted to share a tidbit out of it that I find to be a big aspect to my personality and my BPD.

Well, first of all, here's a bit about common "symptoms of BPD."

"Characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. Is there someone in your life who has five or more of the following characteristics?
  1. This person makes frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
  2. Their life is filled with unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  3. They have a persistently unstable self-image.
  4. They are impulsive in two of the following areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, binge eating, reckless driving)
  5. They threaten or make gestures toward suicidal behavior or self-mutilation (ex: cutting)
  6. Their moods tend to be reactive and include a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage and despair, lasting from a few hours to a few days.
  7. They have chronic feelings of emptiness
  8. They respond with intense anger which may manifest in physical fights
  9. They dissociate when under stress, which means they detach from a situation and don’t remember it later. Your memory of a particular incident may be very different than their memory of it.
Having five or more of these traits are indicators of a person whose personality fits the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You may also see other attributes that are not part of the actual diagnostic code (DSM IV), but are common to the disorder. Many of these are related to sexual or physical abuse in early life. The person may suffer from deep shame which they are either consumed by or deny. Inside they feel worthless, isolated, empty, but will guard against exposing that inner truth to themselves or others"

First off, I want to point out that I was never abused in any way in early life, just wanted to clarify that!  Secondly, I only have 8 of these traits, so let's be thankful for that!  

Okay, so the main point I wanted to get to from the article, which I have found many similar studies on was about BPDs being able to "read people" very well.  I have always found that I had this knack, but never knew that it was so highly associated with BPD.  So here is the excerpt (from same article linked above) of interest on that: 

Some BPDs have an uncanny ability to read people so well that they can uncover the other person’s vulnerabilities. In Paul Mason’s book, “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder,” he describes this sensitivity as an “astute ability to identify and use social and nonverbal cues of others. BPDs can empathize well with others and often understand and respect how others feel, and they can use these skills to “see through others.” It is thought that many adults who were repeatedly physically and/or sexually abused as children developed these social and emotional antennae as a survival strategy. This helped them predict and therefore prepare themselves for what their abusers were about to do.”

I found this to be quite fascinating and I was so glad to have my feelings on this reaffirmed.  Isn't it an awesome feeling when you learn something is a well-known idea when you have had a hard time convincing people of it when they roll their eyes behind your back and think you're delusional?

Anyway, thank you for taking time to enlighten yourself on BPD.  I'd love to hear thoughts on this! 

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Today I Am Thankful for...

I know that this is totally cliche, but I gotta throw this out there...  you know, toss my hat in the ring...

Today I am thankful for:

  1. My husband: he is probably the most helpful guy I've ever met.  He does so much for me that it makes me feel lazy.  His love is unconditional and he tells me about 50 times a day.  He almost makes me believe that I'm beautiful, but he is the beautiful one on the inside and out.  He has never hesitated in his love for my children and he is one of the best dads I've ever seen.  This guy of mine, he is not afraid to do "girly" housework because he understands that we are a team and therefore should function as one.  He likes my cooking, he laughs at my jokes and although there are days that I would like to punch him in every place that it hurts, I wouldn't trade him for any other man on the planet!
  2. My kids:  first of all, I have never seen a group of such good looking kids!  I have been known to say that obviously I can't create an ugly child.  I must have adorable oozing out my gene pool.   And of course they drive me nuts from time to time (who doesn't), but I do think they are pretty awesome.  A is so sweet to me when she wants to be and makes it clear that I am the center of her universe (unless she is).  She shows me unconditional love and reminds me so much of myself that I worry what the teenage years hold.  L is adorable in his innocence and sweetness.  He's so happy-go-lucky and says the most random off the wall things.  He is very loving and affectionate and it's a rare day when he shows his temper.  He does things like rinse his dishes in the sink and change the toilet paper roll.  And of course, Baby H... although he doesn't do much right now, he's still a great baby!  His smile melts my heart, he is clearly on his way to genius and each day he does something that is so cute it reminds me of what a great family I have and how blessed I am.

  3. My parents:  although he grumbles about it immensely, my dad has been known to loan me a buck or two here and there when I am in dire need.  Of course I pay him back, but sometimes it may take me awhile.  My parents are always there to babysit even when I think we've worn out our welcome.  When I started the semester at work and realized the first day that the daycare was a nightmare, they quickly made it possible to alleviate some of my worries while I looked for a new option.  And of course I recently mentioned all the great things my mom does for me such as provide great friendship, listen to me complain and gossip with me like we are old biddies in a beauty parlor.

  4. The regulars:  my health, having a roof over my head, a job that I love, the ability to have been in college for the majority of 12 years, food, friends, certain luxuries like a car, televisions, phones, blah blah and a partridge and a pear tree.  
I have a great many things to be thankful for this year and I'm sure many of you reading this do too- it doesn't do anyone any good to dwell on the negative, but we tend to.  Instead, especially on days like this, we should rejoice in all the great things that we do have.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Monday, November 19, 2012

This year on my birthday...

So, it's another year, another birthday...

Since I have been an adult living on my own (like 12 years now)... I'm pretty sure I have cried on every single birthday.  It's not about getting old, it's just the realization that each year that goes by I am not where I want to be in life.  I don't like to think that it is my fault that this is true, but I have no one else to blame because I make all my choices in life, no one makes them for me.

I don't think I cried last year... but I can't remember- that was a whole year ago.

And I don't think it can all be chalked up to being bipolar either.  I just think that I overthink and so when I think about the things that I think about on my birthday, it really makes me think... and so I cry.

Anyway, I am writing this the Friday before because I probably won't feel like blogging on the day of.   But this year, although I am thankful for a great great great many things in my life, there are still some things that I had hoped would be different by now.

See you next year and I will update you on 2013's success or not.

On a more positive note!!  Happy birthday to my mother... she was given the greatest gift the day I was born... yep, painful labor and a 10 lb baby.  What more could a mother ask for?

And despite the years of extreme torture I put her through and our quite different views on thing, I would have to say that my mom is my best friend.  Whenever something happens good or bad, my first thought is that I have to tell my mom.  Even when I know that she has no interest in the subject (like when I called her Friday night to tell her about the new Twilight movie) she pretends to care, and that's mostly what I need.  Like I said, we have polar opposite views on many many things, but she has been an excellent role model for me in life and I aspire to be as respected as she is.  I have the greatest respect for my mom and thinks that she has done so much good with her life.  I can't thank her enough for all the wonderful things she has done for my family and I...

Happy birthday, Mom!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

5 Movies I Will Never Get Tired of Watching

Although this is an absolutely pointless blog post, I do want to share with you guys the 5 movies that I could watch a million times (not consecutively) and never get tired of them.  About 10 years ago I would have said Babe and Lord of the Rings (the first one) because I fell asleep to them every night.  I don't watch either of them anymore...  also, I'm not going to bother with accuracy in regards to name spellings or anything, cause I don't care right now.

So, in no particular order, here are the 5 movies and a little bit about why I think they are so awesome!

1.  Anchorman

I am not always a fan of Will Ferrell, but he happens to be in two of these movies.  I think my favorite thing he has done other than these was when he did Alex Trebek in Celebrity Jeopardy skits on SNL.  The completely random and off the wall things that are said in Anchorman are just so stupid they are hilarious.  I am pretty dang stoked about Anchorman 2.  I think Paul Rudd is dreamy and the whole cast of the first one was fantastic.  Remember when Brick killed a guy?

2.  Bridesmaids

Although this is probably my last choice out of the 5, it's a doozy for mostly two reasons: Melissa McCarthy and the cute guy with the accent.  Again, McCarthy's off the wall, what in the world comments just make me giggle.  Did you know the guy she wanted on the plane is her husband in real life?  True story.

3.  The Other Guys

 Oh man, where to I begin?  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  Aim for the bushes... this movie is so ridiculous it's ridiculous... and I love it.  Mark Wahlberg should only be allowed to do comedies.  It's one of those great thinks like with Robert DeNiro, Christopher Walken, Bruce Willis, Al Pacino... you are so used to them in serious roles that when they are in comedies it just blows your mind.  Michael Keaton's silliness was a gem too... and then the classic lines... you shot Derek Jeeter... he's a biracial angel!  Good times.

4.  Jack & Jill

I know, this one shocked me too!  I think I was bored one day and this was on, so I watched it.  I haven't found an Adam Sandler movie funny since I was 14, so this came out of left field that I thought it was so funny.  And the great thing about it is that my daughter loves watching it with me too.  I vow that one day I will have pets that I can name Poopsy and Pagogo.  I am using this photo because Johnny Depp has a great cameo where he is at a Lakers game with Al Pacino.  He's wearing a ridiculous Justin Bieber tee shirt and Jill asks him if he's from Duran Duran and he says yes.  I love me some Johnny Depp... but this movie was funny for many other reasons. 

5.  Bad Teacher

I think the first time I saw this I was really disappointed... but then the next 20 times I loved it!  For some reason, seeing Cameron Diaz play a money hungry deadbeat slacker is quite fun.  And her attitude about some things reminds me of myself.  I could never be quite so vicious, but still... and the chick who plays Amy Squirrel is great, Jason Siegel is great, Justin Timberlake is great, the dowdy teacher who wants to be cool is great  and the guy who plays the principal that I always confuse with Fred Willard is great.  The cast just makes the whole thing work out perfectly and the plot was actually pretty good as well.

The end.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Some Lucky Girl in 2028

...is going to get to marry my son.   Yes, he will be 30.  This is because he will have gone to school and established a good career before he gets mixed up with the likes of some she-devil girl!

I know I've mentioned how he drives me insane, but that is from a non-obsessive mom point of view.  But there are many ways that I can already tell he's going to be a great catch.  Those ways are:

  1. He'd adorable.  I mean, you've seen pictures.  The kid looks fabulous!
  2. He changes the roll of toilet paper when he uses up the last one- without being asked!
  3. He likes to rinse his own plate and put it in the dishwasher.
  4. He's affectionate.
  5. He's hilarious.
  6. He's always in a good mood.
  7. He likes to hold the door open for people.
  8. He offers to carry my bags for me.
  9. He's a cuddler.
  10. He likes babies.
Sure, he sometimes puts his shoes on the wrong feet, but I'm confident that by 30 he will get it figured out.  And not only will this girl be lucky that she gets to marry a guy as awesome as my son, but the icing on the cake is that she will get me as a mother-in-law!  I know how much of a big deal that is... believe me.  Sure, I might make her life hell from time to time because I'm always right, but I will also let her watch Golden Girls and gossip with me.  Of course, if I hate her, I will also be gossiping behind her back, but that's just how things go.

Again, you're welcome future daughter-in-law.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Honesty Really IS the Best Policy... Sometimes

I grew up being a huge liar.  Mostly it was little white lies, and initially I would blush and give myself away, but then I began to perfect the art so well that I think I convinced myself I was telling the truth sometimes.  When I met my ex-husband I had to my arse off quite a bit.  It's not that I felt like I had done something wrong, it's just that I know HE thought it was wrong.  I pride myself with having some sense, and I don't think I've ever done anything that was so stupid I can't get over it... except one big thing that I will always regret, but I thankfully can chalk that up to an extended manic episode.  Not that it makes what I did okay!  It's like people who cheat and say it was because they are drunk.  We all have a moral compass and if it was a good one, being drunk would never excuse any kind of behavior.  Clearly a lot of people lost their compasses somewhere in their childhood.  Well anyway, all of my crimes are victimless except for this one thing... and now you all wish you know what it was, but that is going to my grave my friends!

Anyway, so one of the biggest things I've learned in my life is that honesty is the best policy.  It started with my ex-husband.  When we met I lied lied lied to cover up things that he thought were wrong, but I didn't.  It was stupid, we were in high school, it was soooooo stupid.  But I didn't want him to get mad, so I would lie.  And then when he caught me lying, man did stuff hit the fan!  And he would always say, "I am more mad at you for lying than for what you did."  Then after that, I learned a lot from Judge Judy and she really did not like Liar Liar Pants on Fire..ers.   Then I started realizing, why should I have to lie?  I don't do anything BAD, so I shouldn't have to lie about it.  I have a pretty high opinion of myself (half the people I know probably think I'm a cocky bitch) and I don't think that there is anything I do that is malicious or BAD.  So why should I have to lie?   The only times I have felt like I needed to is when I knew the other person was super judgmental and I didn't wanna have to deal with the backlash.

With my current husband, he will say the same thing- he's more mad if I lie than for what I did.  Once again, I don't think I have wronged him in any way, but that is something he has to deal with.  I have passed this same theory on to other things in my life.  I find that I have a big issue with being lied to because it is SOOOOO disrespectful.  I am trying to teach my children about this, but of course they are afraid of getting "punished" when generally they are so bad at not being caught that they might as well tell the truth.

So I have this one student in my class this semester who breaks so many stereotypes.  I am so impressed and I truly think that his conscious decision to be honest, polite and respectful will get him far in life.  One day he clearly copied someone's vocab and did it in a hurry because he left off the ends of the definitions and it made no sense.  So I asked him about it and he said he did.  He had mentioned before that he doesn't like lying.  Anyway, so I have had an inkling about a few people in class who had been getting all their answers in the back of the book.  He is one of them.  He is pretty smart, so I think he does it because he wants to ensure good grades.  But then when review tests and mastery tests come up he doesn't know the material as well.  This chapter's answers were all varied, so when they came up with the exact "answers" from the back, it was totally obvious.  I took the 5 people in the hall one at a time and the generic response was, "I only look the ones up that stump me."  Well, it's not cheating, but I "lectured" them on how they don't learn from it.  Then I sent them on their way.  When I asked him, he flat out told me he does.  I greatly appreciated his honesty, gave him my short lecture and sent him on his way.  It just showed me how greatly I respect honesty in people.

To end this, I will quickly say that the only time I don't believe honesty is the best policy involves things you DON'T have to say.  For instance, if I think that someone is a complete loser living off the government and being lazy, I'm not gonna tell them... cause that would be malicious... it's true, but it would be malicious.

So, to sum up... maliciousness bad, honesty good.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

The Orajel Incident: Made for TV

I love my husband and it is with love that I post this story, because it was right off a TV comedy and sooooooooooo new dad typical...

Upon realizing that Baby H's inconsolability was due to the emergence of his first tooth, it was quickly decided that if he was going to go to sleep (and thusly if we were to get any sleep) we needed some Baby Orajel ASAP!

I had just showered and was in my jammy jammers sitting on the couch with Baby H, playing some Bruno Mars (his favorite) to try to get him to sleep.  He just seemed so exhausted and would randomly start crying like he had been pinched hard.  Poor guy!!!

So, since I was not appropriately attired, David decided to run up the block to the grocery store.  It is a chain, not a mom and pop store, so I was 99.99% sure that they had Baby Orajel.

While Baby H is fussing, it seems like the minutes are taking hours.  Finally David arrives and pulls out.... Baby Orajel TOOTH PASTE!  I laugh in a, "ooooooooooooh, David" kind of way.  I let him know (very nicely, which is shocking for myself) that it was toothpaste.  He claims that they did not have any other kind of Baby Orajel there... he offered to drive to a different grocery store a couple miles away.  I just couldn't do it... I had to get dressed and go back to the first store to prove to him that they had it... they just HAD to!

So we go...


They have it!  We return the toothpaste and pay the difference for the right stuff.  I give him the $hit-eating grin that you know you would have a hard time holding back if you were in my position too.

We get home, rub some on Baby H's gums and BOOM- magic in a tube and he's been asleep 9 hours and counting...

My husband is so cute... lol.