The Things I Can't Let Go Of

As some of my readers may or may not know, I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.  (I've been diagnosed with both by several qualified individuals in different towns/facilities, so if you're in denial about this, way to be unsupportive and you shouldn't read my blogs if you're such a jerkwad.)

Anyway, if you don't know what either are, there's a thing called wikipedia, so I'm not going into the details.

So, back to the point of this blog.  I have a really hard time sharing my feelings with anyone other than my therapist.  This is for two reasons: my therapist gets paid not to judge me and no one makes me feel better, so what's the point.

Throughout my life there have been a few things that I can't let go of.  I know they say forgive and forget, and I always forgive, but I can't forget.  And by "forgive" in some of those instances I carry a grudge, but I don't act on that grudge or refuse to talk to someone for it.  If that were the case, I'd never talk to anyone!  I've always had the philosophy that I will respect someone unconditionally until they do me wrong.  Unfortunately right now, that pretty much just includes my boss- until he fires me.

Here's a list of things that I've never been able to let go of:

1) My parents letting some idiot with a doctor degree out of a Cracker Jack box put me on Paxil.  This guy was the biggest moron known to man and I kinda wish karma would hunt him down.  How could anyone let him be responsible for the mental health of people who deserved better care??  Anyway, the moron misdiagnosed me after meeting me for 5 minutes.  Then he ended up putting me on Paxil and didn't inform me of any side effects.  My parents ridiculously thought I had an eating disorder and I'm sure they conspired with him about the fact that Paxil makes people blow up like the Hindenburg.  My metabolism went from spectacular to non-existent and I've had to work hard to not be 400 lbs for over a decade!

2) My crappy "friend."  Well, most of friends are/have been crappy in that they couldn't care less whether I was alive or dead, but this one in particular has bugged me the most.  I was there for her when she'd call me crying in the middle of the night.  I was there for her two or three times when she moved out- I even helped her move all her stuff once!  I was there for her when she had no money and I bought her groceries for her kids- even though I didn't have money myself!  I've been there for her for so many things even when no one else was.  Well, now she doesn't have anything to do with me.  I'm not 100% sure why... if I had to guess, it's cause a couple years ago she thought I was interested in this jerk that she had the hots for... and I wasn't.  I don't like jerks- especially not ones that are riddled with STDs.  Other than that, I'm not really aware of what I could have done to her personally that was so atrocious.

3) These guys:
     guy a- lied to me and told me he deleted his exes number and then actually put it in as someone else's number and I only found out cause I was TAKING CARE OF HIM after he had his wisdom teeth removed and his phone kept going off so I thought it might be his parents checking on him.  Yeah... that happened.
     guy b- ripped me a new one for "seeing other guys" when we weren't even a couple, but told his ex on New Year's Eve that he loved her.  (Have I mentioned how much people suck?)
     guys c/d- told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, which I handled with pretty good tact, if I do say so myself.  The part that got to me was that he didn't tell me why.  I hate being rejected cause I'm a pretty big fan of myself (of what's on the inside anyway.)
     guy e- thinks I cheated on him and I never did!  I am totally willing to accept when I do something wrong and people find out, but I don't like being accused of something I didn't do!  But because his moronic friends insisted that it didn't make sense that I DIDN'T cheat, he believed it.  Soooo... ugh.

4) Guilt: I don't often feel guilt, but the few things that have stuck with me that I've felt guilty about- I can't let go of.  I'm pretty sure there was this time my dad went to Chicago and brought us all back tee shirts.  I threw a fit and he ended up buying me a toy.  I feel guilty that I was such a brat about that.  When my mom buys me gifts, if I don't like them- I feel guilty about that.  When I used this person and never talked to them again- I feel guilty about that.

5) This one thing that involved money that I felt I was entitled to: I can't go into details on this one because I'd get reamed up and down the Mississippi, but there was this incident that involved something that was done for my three siblings and wasn't done for me and the lame excuse for why not was essentially that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve it.  It's not about not getting the money (that would be pretty bratty of me), it's about the excuse for why I didn't.

Okay, this list is getting long and I have school work to do.  Don't get yourself confused and think these are the only thing in life that have bothered me... I mean come on, I don't trust anyone, I don't know what affection is and I get angry at the drop of a hat... so if you think nothing bothers me... you're so wrong it's wrong.  These are just a handful of things that I needed to get off my chest and I don't get to see my new therapist until September.  I hope you enjoyed my misery!

Hell Hath No Fury Like This Lady Without Her Meds!!!

So I need to vent.  As you should all know if you follow my blog, I'm bipolar.  Well, I have been without one of my meds for almost two weeks.  Here is why:

When I moved from my last town in August, I had several months worth of pills left.  Well, thinking it would be a quick and painless transition, about 3-4 weeks ago, I tried to set up an appt with a local psychiatrist to get my meds refilled.  Well, apparently their office only accepts appointments with a referral.  Having my old doctor fax my information to my new doctor was considered a referral, but apparently this process is taking a long time and a lot of pointing fingers in the delay, but I can't make an appt. until the information is received by the new doctor.

In the meantime, I've been out of one of my medications.  You are often warned about the side effects of quitting psychotropic drugs cold turkey, so I decided to make an appointment with a general practice doctor in the same building.  So, I got in today.... and that doctor... wow.  I've never wanted to walk out of an office in my life and it took all my willpower not to!  She was super rude, wouldn't make eye contact and didn't understand why I couldn't wait for an appt with the psychiatrist.  She just kept asking if I was suicidal.  I really wanted to tell her that I'm homicidal, but she didn't seem like the type of person who gets sarcasm or jokes of any kind.  Long story short, she lectured me, told me she wasn't comfortable with it and told me I should try to make an appt with the psychiatrist.

Well, let me tell you.  At this moment, I hate everyone and everything.  I've felt this way since like two days after my meds ran out.  I could literally give a 5-10 minute speech on why I hate every person I know (except my kids.)  Do I actually hate them?  I don't think so... maybe one or two... but at this point in time, I want to stab them all from their left eyebrow to the dimples in their knee caps.  I get mad at the TV, I get mad at the wind.  I'm in a constant state of rage and it makes me pity those around me.  Add to this that I can't sleep and when I do I am having vivid dreams of pointless things.  I wake up 80 times a night and give up around 6am when I don't have to be up until 8.

So, no DOCTOR, I am not SUICIDAL, but how about you take your cracker jack box degree back to where you came from (she's new to the clinic) and learn something called empathy... and tact... and being around other human beings.

FAIL.