As you may already know, I hate emotions. I think they are a sign of weakness and I will pass on the emoting train. Of course, I have the occasional time where I let myself feel and then I try to shake it off and get back on track.
Then there's guilt. I hate guilt. Mainly because when I feel guilt it is because I did something wrong. And being wrong is not fun. (As aforementioned.)
The first memory I have of feeling guilt was when I was super young. My dad went to Chicago for something and he brought us all back these tee shirts that said Chicago on them. (At the time I recall thinking Chicago was around Florida.) Well, I felt jipped. I did not want some measly tee shirt. So, my dad went out and bought me some sort of Barbie because I think he felt bad for me. I was excited about the doll, but I remember playing with it later on and thinking, "did I hurt his feelings because I didn't want a shirt?" In hindsight, the shirt was much more significant that a stupid doll.
Anyway, back to today and guilt... and emotions. My mom is retiring and the other day they had an assembly at her school. I cried at the assembly because I know how upset she is about retiring but how she knows it is the right decision. She loves her job. But I cried because I felt her pain. It surprised me and I was sure she saw me crying... but she didn't. And she later commented on how my sister and I were so deadpan at the assembly. I didn't respond because I felt weak for crying and did not want to tell her. So now I feel guilty for letting her think that I didn't care and was emotionless.
Ah, life. Why we do the things we do, why we think the things we think is such an enigma to me. Just when I think I know myself completely, things happen that surprise me. I emote. I hate it. But I know that I'm a human being and it's okay. If I could just come to terms with that, things would be peachy.