I don't proofread my posts before I publish them... cause I keep my thoughts au naturale.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Guilt That Keeps On Giving

As you may already know, I hate emotions. I think they are a sign of weakness and I will pass on the emoting train. Of course, I have the occasional time where I let myself feel and then I try to shake it off and get back on track.

Then there's guilt. I hate guilt. Mainly because when I feel guilt it is because I did something wrong. And being wrong is not fun. (As aforementioned.)

The first memory I have of feeling guilt was when I was super young. My dad went to Chicago for something and he brought us all back these tee shirts that said Chicago on them. (At the time I recall thinking Chicago was around Florida.) Well, I felt jipped. I did not want some measly tee shirt. So, my dad went out and bought me some sort of Barbie because I think he felt bad for me. I was excited about the doll, but I remember playing with it later on and thinking, "did I hurt his feelings because I didn't want a shirt?" In hindsight, the shirt was much more significant that a stupid doll.

Anyway, back to today and guilt... and emotions. My mom is retiring and the other day they had an assembly at her school. I cried at the assembly because I know how upset she is about retiring but how she knows it is the right decision. She loves her job. But I cried because I felt her pain. It surprised me and I was sure she saw me crying... but she didn't. And she later commented on how my sister and I were so deadpan at the assembly. I didn't respond because I felt weak for crying and did not want to tell her. So now I feel guilty for letting her think that I didn't care and was emotionless.

Ah, life. Why we do the things we do, why we think the things we think is such an enigma to me. Just when I think I know myself completely, things happen that surprise me. I emote. I hate it. But I know that I'm a human being and it's okay. If I could just come to terms with that, things would be peachy.


  1. H-Kitty, it's okay to cry. Or emote or share things like that. It's not weak. Not showing anything to anyone makes life more difficult for both you and others.

  2. I cry regularly like rain in the tropic of capricorn. If I don't I turn promptly in to a big swelling ribena berry and burst emotionally over a nice clean page of paper. It's good to emote. It's even better to vent. It's even better to vent at someone. Your not weak at all Kitty, your just not being a bot. Loves ya Kitty

  3. Admitting that you're human is tough. It's almost like you're giving up control. No emotions means you're always in control & life is predictable. If you have emotions you're weak & out-of-control. Did I get that right???

    Had the same problem... Eventually I gave up & gave in. Life is sooooo much better now. It's like giving yourself permission to play again after "being an adult" gets old.

    Wait until it's time for Menopause. Girl, you'll be thankful for the tears, 'cause it means you're too busy to kill someone! LOL


  4. You guys are so great!

    I know that it's okay to have emotions. I'm trying to break down that wall and let myself go more. You are all right.

    I'm gonna stand in front of the mirror and say, "Hammy, you're a human being. Emote and embrace it!"