I'm so mad at myself!
I have been having so many problems with my ex and he has been doing nothing but try to make my life hell. I have been trying to take the high road through this whole thing and it gets me nowhere but lying in the fetal position bawling my eyes out!!!
When I moved to the town I live in now I had been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 months. I dealt with phone calls from my ex when I first moved where I got screamed at and cussed out for hours at a time. I received texts telling me to "get my boyfriend's dick outta my mouth and answer the g**damn phone." I put up with so much and after several months of dating when I decided it was okay for my boyfriend to meet my kids, my ex FLIPPED! He was irate and made things even more hellacious for me.
Well, through all the times I've tried to be the better person and despite him treating me so badly and trying to screw me over at every turn while giving me NOTHING for child support, I still let him convince me that we were going to get along and be good for the kids.
So, get this: he hasn't seen the kids for 6 weeks because he "didn't have gas money." And he finally gets them back yesterday because I felt bad that it was father's day weekend. He told me he'd keep the kids on their normal schedule which involves them going to bed at 8pm. I asked him to have them call me every night at bedtime so I could talk to them. Last night it was 8:45p and he said he'd get them on the schedule today. So, tonight they called me at 9:15p. They were outside catching fireflies at his girlfriend's house where they were spending the night. He hasn't seen his kids for 6 weeks and has been seeing her for like a month and decided the second night he had them back they should spend the night at her house. UGH!
I'm so tired of letting my guard down and trusting him only to have him F me over! And I've asked him to get my permission to take them out of state. She lives in another state and he didn't ask me or give me a heads up.
I know this makes me sound bitter, but when you've been treated the way I have only to have him be hypocritical, it is rough.
Like someone told me today, though, "the cream rises to the top."
I'm gonna try to breathe through it... one day at a time.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Literary Thursday: "Happy the Man" by John Dryden
| Happy the man, and happy he alone, He who can call today his own: He who, secure within, can say, Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today. Be fair or foul or rain or shine The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine. Not Heaven itself upon the past has power, But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour. |
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday Blues
Oh, Tuesday.
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I expected better from you because you weren't Monday. But, you have let me down. I am so blue right now.
What am I blue about? Well, I'm glad you ask. I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part. I am blue that I am alone. I am lonely. I am blue and lonely and alone. I have no friends. All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon. I don't even want to talk about it. I just want a big hug. But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old. I don't want to use my kids as snot rags. They need not know my blue-e-ness.
I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago. I'm broke. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I feel no love emanating from myself or from others. I miss feelings. I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything. I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist. I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness.
I miss being happy. I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today! How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!" I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person. I think it was when I was 16. I was the biggest optimist! The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it. People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied. I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.
Now what am I? I am useless. Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so. I'm a good mom, but not a great mom. I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon. But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money. I babysit, but that's no income. I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable. Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel. I just laid there. I didn't want to get dressed. Why? Cause I don't have any comfortable bras. I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it. So I felt depressed. I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one. If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.
I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry. So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity. And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.
God bless to anyone who read this.
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I expected better from you because you weren't Monday. But, you have let me down. I am so blue right now.
What am I blue about? Well, I'm glad you ask. I'm blue about a great many things, so I am throwing myself a private pity part. I am blue that I am alone. I am lonely. I am blue and lonely and alone. I have no friends. All I need is someone whose shoulder I can cry upon. I don't even want to talk about it. I just want a big hug. But there are no shoulders to be found, no boney ones or plump ones or tattooed ones, only air... air and a pillow that smells musty and old. I don't want to use my kids as snot rags. They need not know my blue-e-ness.
I'm blue because despite the massive changes I've made in my life the past 9 months, I'm in almost the exact same position I was a year ago. I'm broke. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I feel no love emanating from myself or from others. I miss feelings. I miss what it felt like to have empathy, sympathy, compassion, love, tenderness, excitement, joy, bliss, anxiousness, pity, fear, guilt, shame, longing... anything. I hate feeling nothing but despair when I know all these other emotions exist. I'm tired of trying pill after pill after pill to be able to feel again only to have the only emotion I can experience be sadness.
I miss being happy. I miss getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining and thinking, "oh, today! How I will embrace you and fill your air up in my lungs and squeeze every moment out of you until I must lie down and reboot for another glorious day tomorrow!" I was having a conversation today about the last time I was a happy person. I think it was when I was 16. I was the biggest optimist! The world was at my fingers and I was ready to explore it. People were friendly, I always had things to keep me occupied. I was active, I was healthy, I was motivated.
Now what am I? I am useless. Sure a handful of people like me being a part of their lives because social norms dictate they must do so. I'm a good mom, but not a great mom. I'm a good friend, so I think, but yet have no friends to whom I can lay my tear laden cheeks upon. But I stay home every day with my kids and I make no money. I babysit, but that's no income. I can sub during the school years, but that's not reliable. Today I took a shower and laid down on my bed in my towel. I just laid there. I didn't want to get dressed. Why? Cause I don't have any comfortable bras. I have one, but it makes my bosom look blah and I can't go out in public in it. So I felt depressed. I need a comfortable, yet bosom flattering bra, but I have no money to go get one. If I had any extra money, it would go to my past due mediacom or electric bill.
I know this has sounded like a long pity party and I'm sure you're sick of it, and I know that life is what you make of it and I know that happiness doesn't just fall into your lap, but this is my blog and if I want to talk about why I'm blue and why as I sit here and type this all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep, but I can't because I still have to fix my children dinner and make sure they get to bed before I have anytime to myself to cry. So I'm counting down the next 2.5 hours until I have that opportunity. And then sleep will envelop me and I will sleep and wake up and go through this sham of an existence that I have been walking through for over a decade.
God bless to anyone who read this.
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