Am I getting old?
Has being a parent warped my fragile little mind?
Or am I closely related to the little fishy swimming in a bowl on my countertop?
Lately, my memory has been worthless! It's quite the difficulty knowing what day of the week it is, but some bizarre things have been happening. Like, I will have something I want to do in say 5 days... and it will COMPLETELY slip my mind. I probably wouldn't even have ever remembered it was in there had someone not told me. Things like this have started occurring on a regular basis and it's freaking me out!
I don't know if it my elderly status or post pregnancy brain... like two years late? Anyway, I have no idea, but I do not like it! How can I appear to be a responsible adult when I can't remember something from one day to the next?
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah... turnips. I've never actually eaten a turnip, so I can't say that I know much about them. I don't even really know how one would go about preparing a turnip. Do you cook them, eat them raw? Do they grow in the ground like potatoes? I'm gonna go out on a prejudiced limb and say that I do not like turnips.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Guilt That Keeps On Giving
As you may already know, I hate emotions. I think they are a sign of weakness and I will pass on the emoting train. Of course, I have the occasional time where I let myself feel and then I try to shake it off and get back on track.
Then there's guilt. I hate guilt. Mainly because when I feel guilt it is because I did something wrong. And being wrong is not fun. (As aforementioned.)
The first memory I have of feeling guilt was when I was super young. My dad went to Chicago for something and he brought us all back these tee shirts that said Chicago on them. (At the time I recall thinking Chicago was around Florida.) Well, I felt jipped. I did not want some measly tee shirt. So, my dad went out and bought me some sort of Barbie because I think he felt bad for me. I was excited about the doll, but I remember playing with it later on and thinking, "did I hurt his feelings because I didn't want a shirt?" In hindsight, the shirt was much more significant that a stupid doll.
Anyway, back to today and guilt... and emotions. My mom is retiring and the other day they had an assembly at her school. I cried at the assembly because I know how upset she is about retiring but how she knows it is the right decision. She loves her job. But I cried because I felt her pain. It surprised me and I was sure she saw me crying... but she didn't. And she later commented on how my sister and I were so deadpan at the assembly. I didn't respond because I felt weak for crying and did not want to tell her. So now I feel guilty for letting her think that I didn't care and was emotionless.
Ah, life. Why we do the things we do, why we think the things we think is such an enigma to me. Just when I think I know myself completely, things happen that surprise me. I emote. I hate it. But I know that I'm a human being and it's okay. If I could just come to terms with that, things would be peachy.
Then there's guilt. I hate guilt. Mainly because when I feel guilt it is because I did something wrong. And being wrong is not fun. (As aforementioned.)
The first memory I have of feeling guilt was when I was super young. My dad went to Chicago for something and he brought us all back these tee shirts that said Chicago on them. (At the time I recall thinking Chicago was around Florida.) Well, I felt jipped. I did not want some measly tee shirt. So, my dad went out and bought me some sort of Barbie because I think he felt bad for me. I was excited about the doll, but I remember playing with it later on and thinking, "did I hurt his feelings because I didn't want a shirt?" In hindsight, the shirt was much more significant that a stupid doll.
Anyway, back to today and guilt... and emotions. My mom is retiring and the other day they had an assembly at her school. I cried at the assembly because I know how upset she is about retiring but how she knows it is the right decision. She loves her job. But I cried because I felt her pain. It surprised me and I was sure she saw me crying... but she didn't. And she later commented on how my sister and I were so deadpan at the assembly. I didn't respond because I felt weak for crying and did not want to tell her. So now I feel guilty for letting her think that I didn't care and was emotionless.
Ah, life. Why we do the things we do, why we think the things we think is such an enigma to me. Just when I think I know myself completely, things happen that surprise me. I emote. I hate it. But I know that I'm a human being and it's okay. If I could just come to terms with that, things would be peachy.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
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