Preface: Ever been pushed past your limit by a condescending student who blames you for their laziness? Yeah, me too. What follows is the absolutely unprofessional, completely unsendable, but 100% therapeutic draft of the email I fantasized about sending. I didn’t actually send it—because I’m a professional (unfortunately). But writing it saved me from throat-punching my laptop.
Subject: Read. The. Fucking. Rubric.
Dear J. the Fuckface,
I don’t know whether to be impressed by your confidence or concerned about your reading comprehension. Let me break this down for you in the simplest terms possible, since everything else I provided apparently flew straight over your head like a fucking weather balloon.
Yes, you were required to include five sources in your final annotated bibliography. Where was that listed? Oh, I don’t know—maybe in the rubric I told everyone to check. You know, the one attached directly to the assignment? The one I referenced multiple times? The one that starts with the words “5+ sources”? That rubric?
But sure—let’s pretend it wasn’t clear. Let’s pretend the personal video, the student example, the MLA guides, and the detailed assignment instructions weren’t enough. Let’s pretend I just threw this together on a napkin and expected you to mind-read.
Spoiler alert: I didn’t. You just didn’t pay attention. Again.
And now, instead of taking responsibility for missing obvious instructions, you’ve decided to email me with a passive-aggressive tone suggesting I “make that clear” next time. Bold move for someone who writes sentences like “I’ve took your feedback.”
Here’s some feedback in return: next time, try doing the actual assignment and reading the materials like a functioning adult instead of a discount Reddit troll. If you’d spent half the energy on your paper that you spent trying to gaslight your instructor, you might’ve gotten that A you think you deserved.
Now go forth and take several seats. Preferably in a remedial reading course.
Unapologetically,
C.
